raccoon thoughts

reasons why some of my friendships bother me
(just need to get this o u t of me)

- “i will only talk to you when it’s convenient for me”
- “i only want to share my excitement with you”–no sharing of bad or even simply subpar days–ends up feeling like bragging and a plea for accolades/attention
- with that, no desire to catch up entirely after long periods of times, leading to the feeling of distance which is probably only felt by me
- the feeling of “if i am not physically there, then you do not hold a presence in their life”
- the proximity effect of only being friends if you are physically within the same space
- no follow ups so there’s the wonder of “do they actually care?” “do they actually value spending time together?” “do they want to spend time on me?”
- the constant debate of “will we be friends years down the road” (esp if it goes months where we don’t speak and there’s no form of catch up)
- they “only want to talk about their self” which is incredibly draining
- generally no chill/exhausting
- ok with being a static person, rather than dynamic–no growth on their end and wallowing in unhappiness

When I see an enemy...
  • Pharah: fffffffFFFFUUUUCCKKKKKKK [gets blown apart]
  • Genji: Hello genjimin would you like to sample my Fine Wines
  • Ana: Fuck you grandma you're not my real mom
  • Hanzo: hans. hans. hans. hans.
  • Symmetra: You DARE use my wife against ME
  • Symmetra, but they win: A worthy enemy.
  • Winston: Angry monkey. Angry monkey!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Sombra: God. she's so beautiful. I'm not even mad she killed me.

so now that it’s happened, i feel more okay talking about what this means

these past three days, i’ve been in california. me!!! in california!!!!!!!! east coast to west coast!!!!! aaaaa! doing what??? interviewing for a PhD program and, beyond that, exploring a PhD program. there is so much cool science that exists within this world that researchers are trying to explain and to predict. it is truly marveling. incredible. and what i found at this program was that it was so interdisciplinary, the faculty is so collaborative, and the students are happy. it’s such a nice place to be at–it is a providing program academically, emotionally, and financially. i think my interviews all went well and i met some really wonderful people who will end up being in my cohort if i end up here. the one “problem” is that it’s far–it’s scary. and really, it’s lonely to be in a place by yourself where you don’t know anyone. it’s a lot of big change. i don’t know if i’m ready–i’m scared. but then again, i haven’t gotten a letter of acceptance yet either so we’ll just have to see what happens from here on out. hoping for the best.

in the meantime, i’m going to keep working to create more opportunity and options for myself. 

This year was basically an intense and beautiful expedition of trying to find out who am I am and where I want to be. I think that the early months of the year, I started to wonder if teaching was truly for me. I found that I love my major so much, especially with the way that it connects to other subjects that I began to pursue research. It led me to Dr. Lobo’s computational and systems biology lab where I’ve been trying to develop a mathematical model that can simulate a planarian worm’s regeneration by calculating cell density over the span of its regeneration. Along this journey of research, I decided no grad school for education (prolonging teaching), but going for computational biology and I started loving this idea of a PhD and have been on that route since. Maybe work will come first or a Masters, but the goals right now are PhD and teaching later on in my life. With that, I feel that I’ve really earned the title of “interdisciplinary thinker” through this year with how I immerse myself in these different disciplines out of desire to know everything about the world around me. 

Other side journeys included love–hehe. I don’t know, this is the second New Years Eve I’ll be spending with David…our second. And I couldn’t imagine spending it any different, yano? We’ve butted heads a lot in these past couple months, but I always end up back at this decision and rationality that regardless of how hard it gets sometimes, I’m still so very happy and content with him in many regards. He makes my life easier and supports me becoming who I am. I love loving him and providing the support that he needs also. Now, another small learning moment that I’ve achieved this year was progression from viewing old relationships and past loves. I’ve learned a lot about welcoming character–allowing people to just be who they are, providing that space for them, and trying to treat them as a novel, everchanging being in every moment. If I decide that I don’t want to deal with them in a moment, then that’s a decision I can make, but at least I know that it doesn’t come out of bitterness from the past or anything of the sort. There are also just some friendships that are better left gone and I’ve learned that the hard way. I don’t think I’ve ever truly “broken” a friendship until this year and I’ve just came to this conclusion that maybe it can fix itself in time, maybe it can’t–whatever happens, will run its course, but I can’t allow that to affect and poison who I am and all of my other friendships/relationships…because that just sucks. And any person who isn’t aware of their poisonous impact and treats it with little regard isn’t really…worth my time. In general, I think this redefining self and learning how to manage my emotions in a healthy way, to communicate them productively is something that I’ve readily been working on and I think that I am doing a better job than I have previously, but it’s also something that I’ll continue to work on. 

Anyway, other aspects of my life, I really feel stayed the same. I was more efficient in school through this year. I absorbed and retained information a lot easier, allowing me to focus on how to process and create connections between concepts. I helped a lot of people through tutoring and TAing this year, which is fulfilling. I reconnected with multiple old friends this year and truly got to create some really awesome friendships this year that I feel will sustain their selves as life-long friendships. And overall, even though near the end of the year I’ve felt a lot of sad, I truly think that there’s so much satisfaction and happiness. I’m in a state that I am grateful for. 

Who knows what’s in store for the next year. I already know what I’m working toward, so no resolutions for me. Just going to take it day by day, moment by moment to be ever becoming–because what is life if not a summation of moments? 

There’s this thing about the character Peter Quill from the movie Guardians of the Galaxy that I like and seems to go unnoticed a lot. You see, I love how despite all the grand standing and acting like he doesn’t care; he never goes out of his way to lay judgement on people. Not even in the beginning.

Hear me out; Rocket provides a perfect example of this.

Gamora calls Rocket rodent.

Drax goes as far as to call him both a freak and a beast.

They do so multiple times until Rocket blows up because we find out later it’s hurtful to him.

But then there’s Peter.

Who never had to get to that point with Rocket to at least respect him as an equal individual.

The closest he gets to belittling Rocket is calling him Ranger Rick for taking apart his ship, but it’s not really said with any maliciousness and he even proceeds to converse with him normally.

I just find that a nice little subtle detail about Peter.

*post mentions frog* *thoughts instantly point toward ford* *post mentions poultry* *thoughts instantly point toward fiddleford* *post mentions raccoon* *thoughts instantly point toward fiddleford* *post mentions possum* *thoughts ins


i’m having a really rough week

i went from an A to idk in a class but i actually failed an exam, which i thought i had down. and i didn’t get it back until last week (yay me) and yesterday was also the day i took the GRE for a second time which didn’t go as well as the first and i just do. not. understand. was it a result of getting back that exam grade? or was it bc i didn’t study well???? and then i also just half hate how this exam is a measure of my skill level. i can list off a bunch of qualities about myself that are not measured by that test. i am sad. and on top of all of that, i am not getting enough sleep. it’s been exam, studying, hw, more studying and waking up at like 5/6am, not going to sleep until close to 2am and ugh i am living through one of my roughest weeks. but you know what the upside is? i am still here. i am still fighting. i know what i want. i will be okay. i catch a break tomorrow. it is almost over. i get to see one of my schmuck and catch up with him and that’s an upside. i’m spending my weekend with my family. i will get to catch up with my bruh, vent some, catch up some. everything kind of sucks right and now and nothing is going right. but i also remembered something amid all of this. i remember feeling ten million things while applying to colleges and i remember feeling disappointed about not hearing about sherman and idk, i was blessed to have gotten that chance. the program took a chance on me wanting to teach and i am grateful. i still want to more than ever and idk, all of this failure lately just has me reevaluating AGAIN what i want and how i want to do it. i’d be really happy teaching and what if that’s what the universe wants me to do? grad school is this extra tassel afterall. siiiiiiigihhhhhhh. 

anonymous asked:

Red and Yellow!

Red- Five facts about my best friend:
(I have many, but I’m going to go with my oldest/first friend)
1. She can eat an entire bag of grapes in one sitting
2. Her birthday is exactly one month away from mine
3. She’s my moirail
4. She’s incredibly talented and passionate about what she loves
5. She is @theimpossiblesnicks

Yellow-Seven facts about my childhood:
1. My first word was chocolate
2. I moved houses a lot, but always stayed in the same district
3. I used to be obsessed with raccoons
4. I thought child birth happened by vomiting the baby up
5. I pronounced butterfly as “flutterbye”
6. I once drank an entire thing of Hawaiin Punch and got seriously sick @barelysteady
7. As a kid my dad raised pigs, in total we’ve had 30+

Thanks for curing my boredom, Anon! 🐐🐑🐏

When Yurio’s grandpa didn’t show up that one time I was so nervous  thinking something might have happened

but no, he was just busy that day trying to learn how to make pork cutlet. Because Yurio mentioned it once. And he wanted to please his grandson.

Like at first it seemed like Grandpa was being passive aggressive? Like “Oh you like japanese stuff better than russian stuff now huh??” and yurio is quick to disagree but GRANDPA WENT AND MADE THE THING ANYWAY ~!!!!

Yuri On Ice is a good and pure show and I’m so happy

the worst part about “you wouldn’t mind catcalling from hot guys” is that it takes the issue, which is men harassing women, and flips it to be about how women are actually awful and shallow, and men are being victimized by their decision to holler at strangers