raccoon the shower

this is about to get interesting
  • “Are you sure these are raisins? They don’t taste like raisins.”
  • “Did you get that guinea pig to reenact that South Park episode?”
  • “Don’t get mad, but I may have just ruined everything in your closet. Don’t ask how and don’t open the door. Don’t open your closet door for a really long time, please take this advice.”
  • “How do you even cut your teeth on wedding rings?”
  • “I don’t think you’re supposed to use disinfectant wipes on your food.”
  • “I don’t want to alarm you or anything but I thought you should know that there’s a raccoon in your shower.”
  • “I thought you said you taste like Pepsi Cola.”
  • “I’m so sorry. I had no idea I was going to sneeze. I won’t sneeze on you next time we meet, I swear.”
  • “Is that a British Army Browning L9A1 in your pocket? Or are you just pleased to- Oh! Oh my God, that’s actually a gun.”
  • “Just because you paint your entire body blue, does not mean you’re a member of that Blue Man Group. Where did you get that PVC pipe?”
  • “Let me get this straight, the little kid punched you in the face after you stole their milkshake or did they punch you in the face and then steal your milkshake? Either way, no the tooth fairy is not going to bring you cash for a chipped off piece of tooth.”
  • “Look, I know that we just met but trust me, I’m trustworthy and I need your Netflix log in.”
  • “No, I do not ‘got any weed.'”
  • “Please stop asking me if I want to build a snowman. It doesn’t even snow here.”
  • “Tell me you didn’t put five times the amount of detergent you’re supposed to in the washing machine again.”
  • “That whole pineapple thing didn’t work. Maybe you didn’t eat enough.”
  • “What do you mean I shouldn’t give hitchhikers rides? I’ve given like eight of them rides just this week! I seriously doubt I’m going to pick up a serial killer, I’m pretty sure I would know.”
  • “Why is your pocket moving?”
  • “You can’t just say checkmate every time you make a move.”
  • “You didn’t have to get me a gift- Oh. Another “#1 Asshole” mug.”
  • “You know what? It’s really rude to stare. I would really appreciate it if you’d just tell me if there’s something on my face or something.”
  • “You look really familiar. Do I look familiar? Have we met before?”
  • “You never want to hang out anymore. I told you I wasn’t going to have your entire house post-it noted ever again. You have to trust me. Besides, the guy charged a lot of money and I don’t want to spend that much on you again.”
  • “You’re watching X Men Origins: Wolverine again? How many times have you seen this now? At least watch the good one!”
  • “You’ve been gaming for three days straight. You haven’t showered and to be honest, I don’t recall you moving at all. Have you gone to the bathroom or eaten? What’s in that cup?”