1.The first time he told you he loved you, you were sitting in his car after your first fight and you could feel the love in your lungs and your ears dancing to words they thought they would never hear. Deep down, you knew a day would come when it would all come crashing down. You asked him to never say them words again. You were such a smart girl, what happened?
2. He tantalized you with the idea of a future together. Something that is so cruel he should be punished by law for.
3. He took your soul and your heart and cushioned your fears with kisses and hugs and empty promises. He brought you on long walks where he told you that you were exactly perfect for him and you were all he would ever need. He confessed he was afraid you would leave him for a bigger adventure. You stupidly assured him you never would, oblivious to the reality that it would be him to leave you. It was him that decided you weren’t enough.
4. Then one day you two got into a fight that he caused over some girl whose name he wont remember in a year but you’ll remember for the rest of your life. Then he just left. He left your heart gasping for air at your feet as he drove away for the last time. He made your whole body scream with pain so loud you believed you would either die of a broken heart or be arrested for a noise complaint. That is when you accepted that, contrary to what you believed, you probably loved him more. That was when you knew he was gone forever.
5. You called your friends and they entertained your empty hours and broken heart for a couple of weeks. They assured you “you’ll be fine.” Do not listen to them. It is a disservice to minimize your pain. It will get better and in a couple of months you’ll be smiling again, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt now. Let yourself weep for him for a while, but when you read this again, I hope it didn’t destroy you.
6. You’ll beg him to come down and be with you. You’ll give yourself to him to try and make him remember what you taste like. Don’t do this again. He already knows what you taste like. He will tell you it changes nothing and that he doesn’t miss you. You were so broken you thought that every limb on your body was falling off from words you never could have believed were true a month beforehand. Never forget he said these words and never forget how calm he was when you believed your world was ending.
7. You’ll see him at parties and want to sit beside him just to feel his hand on your knee and smell his cologne that reminds you of home. But you smiled like you hadn’t a care in the world. Be proud of that. You smiled through a burning heart.
8. The tightness in your chest and the burning in your throat is not from the cigarettes you smoked the night before. It’s the absence of him weighing down on you.
9. Anytime you want to call him or feel like you need him, remember that you have never received a call from him. You’ll need him for 100 reasons and he wont need you for one.
Emma Watson is a brilliant actress who has done so much for the world. She’s been involved in numerous charities, and has worked as a UN ambassador. There is a quote that she has said in the past that I find inspiring, “I don’t want other people to decide who I am. I want to decide that for myself.” That quote speaks volumes about about the beauty of being yourself.
“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. When you are born a lotus flower, be a beautiful lotus flower, don’t try to be a magnolia flower. If you crave acceptance and recognition and try to change yourself to fit what other people want you to be, you will suffer all your life. True happiness and true power lie in understanding yourself, accepting yourself, having confidence in yourself.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
It took way too long for me to figure this one out, no matter how many times my parents told, or a good friend practically shook me and yelled! lol Sometimes, the best lessons are the hardest to learn. Some lessons I’ve had to learn the hard way. This was definitely one of them! I’m glad I finally figured it out! What a relief! Things are far from perfect, but they aren’t supposed to be anyway! Things are great nonetheless! :)
At some point y'all are going to have to take responsibility for your own circumstances.
No one’s stopping black women from living well but black women. Not race. Not gender. Not upbringing. Not black men. Not white people. Nothing or nobody. Are people racist? Yes. Are most black men self-hating sadistic narcissists that get off on seeing black women miserable? Yes. Are we being disrespected on a daily basis? Yes! Are there hurdles? Of course! But hurdles are not (nor were they ever) stop signs. So what now? Are y'all just going to continue to wallow or are you going to fight for your own liberation because I have news for you… THERE ISN’T A COLLECTIVE OF PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET THAT HAS AN INVESTED INTEREST IN LIBERATING BLACK WOMEN. NOT ONE! So keep waiting around for black men to get there shit together long enough to see you as a redeemable woman. Keep waiting for white women to involve you in their feminism. Keep waiting for white men to stop putting their boots on your neck. Keep waiting for non-black Latinas to stop laughing at your degradation. Keep waiting for Asians to stop beating your ass when you go into their beauty supply stores. Keep waiting and see how far you’ll get. Because you’ll be a 200 yrs old still waiting. Still reciting the same old Malcolm X quote about black women being the most disrespected while simultaneously allowing yourself to be disrespected.
Get some counseling. Get some standards. Take some responsibility. And stop being so fucking emotional.
No one’s obligated to help you survive. You have an instinct. Use it. You have logic. Use it. At this point the information is there. The statistics are there. Your experiences above all else are there. What’s the problem? What’s it going to take for y'all to wake up out of this dysfunctional ass slumber? What’s it going to take for y'all to put down the capes and pick up a passport? What’s it going to take for y'all to practice some self-preservation? Fucking zebras, lions, rabbits practice self preservation for fucks sake. What’s black women’s excuse?
At this point, society is capitalizing off of our dysfunction. As strong as we claim we are, we can’t even get the basics of survival downpat. No one believes us when we say that we’re strong because if we were, black womanhood and all that it encompasses would look completely different from what it is now. Those that know better, do better. Do better man. If not for yourself but for these little girls who are growing up in these times. For your damn daughters.
*deep breath* That was my first and possibly my last brutally honest offering. Do better because no one is coming to liberate you. If you’re going to respond to this with some sort of emotional rant don’t even bother. Do some self-reflecting and get it together.
Saving myself would require love. That is all. I have to love myself in order to care enough to even save myself. There are so many ways to slowly destroy myself: not eating right, not getting washed, isolating myself, leaving my personal area a mess. But you have to care. You have to make yourself better. Not anyone else. Because no one else will. Not because they don’t love you or because they don’t care. But because they have to save themselves. YOU are the most important person in your life. Not anyone else. You are the star. You were born with your Self and you will die with your Self. When I look in the mirror, it is I that I see. Not anyone else. Same with you. Being your own hero can mean just getting up and brushing your teeth. I know these things can be hard because I struggle too. But you have to want it. You have to want to get better. Once you have that strong desire, you’ll get to where you want. Little by little. And if not there, you’ll get to where you need to be.
Life is about the people we love, being with them, laughing and crying with them, being there for them. It’s about the memories we make both the good and the bad. Life is about living, struggling, loving, laughing, and being yourself and never changing. We only get one life why not live it the way we want.
I want to see you in your most gawky yet adorable moments. I’m not talking about the distracted singing under your breath in boring or uncomfortable situations. I’m not talking about being silly and belting out the first song that plays through your mind. I’m not even talking about escaping from reality in your room with headphones in.
I’m talking about screaming the lyrics at the top of your lungs, dancing like a maniac, with a crazed but lovable expression on your face, or whether it’s gently swaying to the rhythm, muttering the lyrics with a pleasant, peaceful, relaxed smile you ever painted on your lips. I desire the gleam of life that comes when we let go and sink into the music. The people that emerge from the most personal music. Those are some of the moments I want to see when I’m with you.
I want to see you dance and sing to your favorite song. I want to see you happy or hurt, or sad, or mad, or excited, but most of all, I want to see who you become when you are free.