i screamed your name into the ocean
as if the waves would take you away
and the wind would send you far far away
but nothing changed
i still loved you
i still felt you like blood in my veins
like scars in my hands
like poison in my soul
and its not that I miss YOU in particular. Its just that I miss having someone always there. and you were always here, you were here to reply to my texts, and you were there to call whenever something exciting happened.
You were just here. and now your not, and I don’t just miss you as a person, I just miss having someone that I could talk to all the time.
I miss having someone that wanted to listen and that was here when I just needed to hear some nice words to get me through the day.
and although you weren’t all that great, at least you were here. at least you picked up when I called.
Now I just feel so alone. I don’t have anyone to talk to and I don’t have anyone to tell good news to. I always almost call you out of habit but I have to constantly remind myself that your not my person anymore.
That you don’t care about the $20 I found today, and that you don’t care if I’m having a bad night.
and I don’t know if I want you back, I just know I want someone to listen to me and be there for me because going through life alone is too damn hard sometimes.
and I’m having one of those nights where I really need you, but you’re not here… no one is.
Whoever you are lying next to, I hope they smell good like vanilla which was your favorite. I hope they press a light kiss against the spot right below your jawline every night before shutting off the lights. I hope they tell you their secrets and that you confide in them when you need to get something off of your chest. I hope they cradle your head when you sometimes cry in your sleep because you’re having a nightmare. I hope they touch you gently, slowly, with the softest movements of their hands and I hope they tickle you when you’re too sad and need to let out a laugh. I hope they wrap themselves around you like a blanket. I hope you’re warm. I hope you sleep peacefully. I hope you’re happier than you’ve ever been.
You said you were ready for someone responsible
someone who’d take care of you,
so I left the dirty dishes sitting in my sink
but washed yours for you.
You said you wanted to watch the sunset every evening,
so I took us for a ride
“what a colorful mess!” you said at the sight,
“what a beautiful mouth” I said and gave you my fingers to bite.
You said you wanted to travel the world
and see the seven wonders
I bit my lip at what came to mind
I held your face between my hands and told you
that you were the eighth wonder
and you laughed, the sound as beautiful
as a baby speaking for the first time.
You said you wanted to feel something new
so I bought you a gift from your youth
you smiled before you started to cry
you said, ‘this reminds me of my mother, I always forget to reply’.
You said you wanted to stop being so tired
that I was the only thing that made you feel good,
so I rubbed your back until my hands became numb
and you fell asleep in my arms eventually
but that’s when the truth came out quite literally
I WAS LYING WITH MY PALMS PRESSED AGAINST YOUR CHEST
WHEN YOUR MOUTH MUMBLED A NAME I’LL NEVER FORGET
AGAINST MY HANDS I FELT HER BODY PRESSED UNDERNEATH YOUR SKIN
AND THE COLORS OF THE SKY I GAVE YOU TURNED GRAY
I THREW MY GLASS PLATES ON THE FLOOR
THE SKIN AROUND MY FINGERS BECAME A DEEP PURPLE
AND WHEN YOU SAW YOUR EYES BECAME WIDE
AND YOU IMMEDIATELY APOLOGIZED.
Even then, for a moment I felt myself give in.
I felt my feet wanting to flee to get the car keys so we can go for a ride,
so I can give you the sunset and the seven wonders of the world
because my heart was plagued and you were the infester.
I didn’t realize that I wasn’t a master of my own body.
So this is for you,
the person who gave me heart cancer.
I loved you once
I loved you twice
but there is no room to love you for the third time,
because my body is not immune to yours as it once was.
I’ve won this battle and now it is time to move on.
There’s no earthly way of knowing, Which direction we are going. There’s no knowing where we’re rowing Or which way the river’s flowing. Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a-blowing? Not a speck of light is showing, So the danger must be growing. Are the fires of hell a glowing? Is the grisly reaper mowing?! Yes! The danger must be growing, for the rowers keep on rowing. And they’re certainly not showing… any signs that they are slowing!
“I hope your nights feel empty without my words lighting up your phone,
I hope every time you drive home alone at night you feel a sudden urge to grab my thigh only to realize I am no longer there,
I hope when you’re lonely you start to feel incomplete without me staring lovingly at you and that sensation of being cherished vanishes in a blink of an eye,
I hope every time you come across something I loved, your day starts to feel dull as I’m not next to you with my face lit up in excitement,
I hope every time you watch our favorite show you feel silenced as our witty comments and laughs no longer fill the room.
I hope all these things but to be completely honest,
I hope you never feel as broken, hurt and empty as I do, for you are still the only person who once made me forget those emotions never existed.
It’s like we are on two opposite railroad tracks, we can see each other but we are just too far away to touch.
Each one with their different lives, unable to fit the other in it. How can you make room for someone else when you are already suffocating in your own space?