I search her face for any clues as to what she means. She looks wistful, almost nostalgic. I can tell that her mind is in another time, another place, another life.
“What do you mean?” I finally ask after a few seconds. She looks up at me, searches my face.
“I was so happy. I felt as if I could do anything I wanted to, you inspired me. You made me want to be the best version of myself, and I loved who I was when I was with you. I was so happy. I remember thinking how perfect it was, and how good we had it. I remember being so in love with you that I would have given you the world. I remember…” She drifts off. My heart squeezes inside my chest as I remember too.
“I remember how you held me inside your car that night, the night you promised me you would be mine forever. I remember how a week later you told me I was not what you wanted anymore. I remember how my heart broke to pieces. I remember screaming and crying on my bedroom floor, yelling at the universe for taking my world away from me. I remember watching my dad’s heart drop like a stone to the bottom of the ocean at the sight of me shaking with so much grief, and I remember how he held me and told me I deserved the world. I remember thinking how ironic it was that you were my world. I remember losing myself. I remember not knowing who I was without you. You had become part of my very identity, and losing you had meant losing myself. I remember seeing you with her and I remember my heart exploding in my chest. I remember all of it so clearly.”
I want to say something, to comfort her, to stop the memories I can see flooding in her mind. She turns to me and grips my arms as if holding onto dear life, “Was it worth it? Tell me. Was it worth it? Was shattering me into pieces worth it? Did you find what you were looking for? Tell me. Was my suffering for nothing or did you find something better out there?”
Her tone is desperate, and she searches my eyes, looking into my very soul for the answers she seeks. She lets go of my arms and turns away from me.
“You took away my light. You stole my shine. You took the spark inside of me, lit me on fire, and then left me there to burn. For nothing.”
I don’t know if I believe in fate, but I believe in the chance that we always end up back with each other. In the fact you can leave for months-years even- but I always find you and you always find me.
I believe in those long slow walks. In those late night messages. In those evening drives. In the way your smile spreads across your face. In our catch up chats and the meaningful ones too. I believe in the way you make me laugh and the way you hold me together when I’m falling apart- even if you don’t know it.
I believe in magic. In the damningly cruel world we live in. In watching Harry Potter and drinking cold cups of coffee. I believe in driving round a million roundabouts. In terrible music. In old movies. In talent.