quiet personals

cuddlyaxe  asked:

How do you wanna live later when you're older? I'm thinking about that a lot and I'd love to live in a house with all my friends, if that's possible, but I'm not too optimistic 😄 I have seen too much romantic shit to underestimate it. Do you have any plans and/or visions?

I would absolutely love to move into an apartment with a queer friend or two. Honestly I think that would be the dream. Living alone would definitely be too quiet for me personally. I even know in my head which of my friends it would be XD

Usually Bones is so casual when he’s off duty that people on board can forget that he knows all their personal information. Not that he’d ever misuse it. But one night everyone was very drunk, amd Jim was insisting that Bones couldn’t possibly remember who on board has an appendix. So everyone lined up and Bones walked down the aisle. Yes. Yes. No. No. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. No. No. No. You’re species doesn’t have one. Yes. Yes.
100% correct.

The highly sensitive [introverted] tend to be philosophical or spiritual in their orientation, rather than materialistic or hedonistic. They dislike small talk. They often describe themselves as creative or intuitive. They dream vividly, and can often recall their dreams the next day. They love music, nature, art, physical beauty. They feel exceptionally strong emotions–sometimes acute bouts of joy, but also sorrow, melancholy, and fear. Highly sensitive people also process information about their environments–both physical and emotional–unusually deeply. They tend to notice subtleties that others miss–another person’s shift in mood, say, or a lightbulb burning a touch too brightly.
—  Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

i want to be in a band so bad it’s actually killing me. like just the thought of being in a van with my best friends, traveling across the country and making music that has the potential to inspire people to do the same thing could actually send me to the grave

paying rent and doing laundry to celebrate halloween because adult responsibilities are spooky scary

Looking at BPD posts is always so dicey, because I’ll either come out of it feeling validated and understood, or even more depressed and upset.

SIGN EVALUATION!!!

Aries:  arrogant, genius, charismatic, energetic, sex drives sky rocket, energetic, love themselves, talkative, LOUD

Taurus: emotionless, ignorant, loyal, BLUNT ASF, super silly, hardworking, fun person overall, quiet at first, introverts

Gemini:  indecisive, somewhat creative, smart, NOSYYY, talkative, unpredictable, fake by accident

Cancer: moody, SOOO SENSITIVE, caring, petty, finesse king/qUEEn, loving, super judgmental, always lookin’ cute

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Leo: AGGRESSIVE!!! confident, independent, conceited, loyal, holds grudges forever, inTEnSe, cocky, always sleepy, risk taker

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Virgo: emotionless as HELL, over protective, selfish, perfectionists, LOYAL, goOFy, always STRESSED, worries too damn MUCH


Libra:
sOOo kind, peaceful, calm, intelligence is boosting, fun friend, rLLy judgmental, headass, loves to collect sHIT, chill, outgoing


Scorpio:
intense, perfect best friend, rather super confrontational or super introverted, cute, stubbORN, stuck up, passionate, low key depressed

Sagittarius: FUNNIEST SIGN, anger issues, never srs, so clumsy, party ANiMal, speaks their mind too much, honest af, big time hoe, LITTT


Capricorn : strong, loyal, judgmental  super materialistic, scary side, smart mouth, sassy, controlling, HILARIOUS, SO FUCKING LOUD


Aquarius: independent, natural leader, shares opinions 24/7, smart, hottest sign, low key sensitive, high key conceited, ALWAYS STARVING!!! high key mean

Pisces: caring, impatient as FUCK, SOOOO EMOTIONAL, cries a lot, kinda stubborn tbh, sweet as hell, clingy, deserves the world, D.R.A.M.A.T.I.C.

Thoughts on Quiet BPD

When asked about BPD, most people who know about this disorder immediately think of the “classic” symptoms: impulsive behaviors and episodes of rage. The same holds true for even mental health professionals.

But rage and impulsivity are only two out of the nine criteria in determining whether someone has BPD. Some people with BPD—myself included—meet the criteria for a diagnosis but do not use these “acting out behaviors.”

So what does it mean to have quiet BPD?

You probably still suffer from extreme mood swings and emotional reactivity, self-harm and suicidal ideation, chronic feelings of emptiness, paranoid ideation, dissociation, a lack of identity, and the intense fear of abandonment we love so very much (disclaimer: we hate it.).

And it may well be that your relationships are stormy as well—even if the other person has no freaking idea how distressing said friendship is to you.


How is that possible? Well, we feel the same things other people with BPD feel: we idealize you and become deeply emotionally attached to you, then suddenly we become emotionally cold and distant toward you over just a minor disappointment, we’re kept awake at night by paranoia that you secretly hate us because you didn’t text us back immediately, we spiral into crushing depression over the littlest things you say and do.

But the difference lies in how we express it.

With “classic” BPD you may tell the other person what you’re feeling. You may accuse the person of lying to you, avoiding you, abandoning you, etc. You may display anger toward the other person or get into arguments. The other person becomes aware of what you’re thinking and feeling. Not so with quiet BPD.

I almost never tell my friends what’s going through my mind unless they ask. I’m too terrified of being a burden to them. I internalize this tempest of dysphoria, letting it fester for weeks and months. I will drop off your radar, distancing myself from you without you even noticing. Unless you reach out to me, you’ll never hear from me again. I’ll isolate myself, forever convinced you hate me and that you’re better off not dealing with my burdensome self… even if there’s no evidence to suggest this. Even if we’ve literally been best friends for years.

You may not notice this shift at all, simply because I don’t express it. The friendship may not be distressing for you, but it’s sure as hell distressing for me. I’ve cycled through so many friendships in this way, in near constant agony as a result—and the vast majority of my friends had no idea.

I’m obsessed over this idea that I’m a burden. That my very existence is an annoyance to everyone, and so I very frequently deny myself the very emotion so often associated with BPD: anger.

I loathe myself so much I feel I don’t have the right to be angry for myself.

Sure, I can feel anger all right. If you slight a friend or family member of mine, I cannot begin to describe the rage that wells up inside me.

But if you insult me? I’ll sink to depression and probably agree with you (this has happened multiple times).

People with different types of BPD respond differently to the same triggers. For some, if they feel you’re going to abandon them or that you don’t care about them, they respond with anger. Others act impulsively in hopes of relieving some of their pain. But I respond by turning inward. I justify these “signs” that everyone in my life hates me—the same signs recognized by people with “classic” BPD—by deciding that if I’m going to be abandoned, well, it’s because I deserve to be. If you do hate me, it’s because I am, in fact, absolute scum. My BPD takes these signs and twists them into reinforcement of my extreme self-loathing. If anything, I’ll be angry with myself.

This translates into “acting in” behaviors that aren’t as obvious as impulsive behaviors. I self-harm and don’t tell a soul about it, I lock myself in my room and cry for hours, I become so emotionally numb I just stare at the wall all day, I’ll sleep for an entire weekend to escape my pain, I’ll even deny myself food because what’s the point of extending my lifespan, especially if I don’t deserve it?

Any kind of BPD sucks, quiet or otherwise. But raising awareness about quiet BPD is crucial: professionals may not realize we have BPD because we don’t fit the “classic” model, and thus we end up spending years misdiagnosed or in treatment that doesn’t address what’s actually going on with us. We could be spared YEARS of additional suffering by getting the correct treatment as soon as possible. So let’s raise awareness, shall we?

  • <p> <b>me:</b> wakes up<p/><b>my disorder, happy and full of energy:</b> breakfast, honey! here's your tea and toast with looots depressive thoughts and anxiety, just how you like it. see you downstairs, i've got some wonderful news for you today ♡<p/><b>me:</b> at least you don't leave me like everyone else<p/><b>my disorder:</b> well that's the thing you little faker<p/></p>