The worst thing about low self-worth isn’t having total meltdowns over how much of a worthless piece of garbage you are, but those tiny moments of clarity when you realize that all of your decisions are predicated on the assumption that you just aren’t worth anything at all.
I don’t have an opinion on the matter because my opinion is worthless to you. I can’t sell you on why you should hire me because the best thing I can tell you about myself is “I will show up and do whatever you tell me to do.” I can’t form close relationships of my own volition because I can’t think of a reason why anyone would bother taking time out of their day to talk to me.
One year, my Mother’s Day present was that I would literally just go away and not be in the house that day. Sure, it was kind of a gag, but I didn’t see anything wrong with the idea. I see literally everything about myself as an imposition and an inconvenience for everyone in my life, and maybe right this moment I recognize that that’s unhealthy, but… what the hell am I supposed to do with it?
So, when I was doing my undergrad, for some reason we did a module on legalities of medical ethics: we doing a degree in chemistry with forensic science, it had NO RELEVANCE WHATSOEVER, but the lecturer was a very experienced medical ethics lawyer and expert who made it one of the most interesting lecture series I ever had.
Anyway, he used to regale us with anecdotes from various hospitals where he had worked, and one time he told us about a friend of his who was a matron on a geriatric ward, and as they were a university hospital, they had a constant stream of student nurses in and out for training.
One time a student nurse was there, and very unfortunately, one of the patients passed away, which wasn’t that uncommon on the geriatric ward of a hospital, so the matron decided that this was as good a time as any for the student nurse to observe what the procedures were when one of the patients died.
So, they wheeled him down to the morgue, and when they get there, they have to carry out a few procedures, because when the human body dies, it obviously relaxes all the muscles, which leads to an unpleasant situation if there’s any…ahem, we’ll say ‘waste’ left in the body, which there often is, so to counteract this until the body has to go for autopsy or to the undertakers, they stuff all the orifices with cotton wool.
The matron explained all of this to the student nurse, and she wasn’t particularly keen on it, but said she’d give it a go, and as she began shoving cotton wool up the backside of the corpse in question, he suddenly sat up and screamed at the top of his voice 'WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?????’…..because they had accidentally brought down the wrong 'body’ from the ward!
So this poor guy woke up in the morgue to find someone shoving cotton wool up his ass and was unsurprisingly a bit taken aback! The student nurse fainted and the matron nearly died herself! Fortunately the guy apparently saw the funny side of it once he’d calmed down and they’d explained the situation and he did not sue the hospital, which he would have been well within his rights to do.
But anyway, yes, that remains one of my fondest memories of being an undergrad student! I had never cried with laughter in a lecture before, but I actually nearly died in that one. And there you have the story of the student nurse and the morgue!
But I want to apologise to you all for the lack of posts, answering asks or responding to anyone. I know I’ve not made it an official hiatus. But I’ve just had some personal stuff go on that completely dragged me down and I 100% checked out. I completely forgot that my queue had ran out ages ago! Please bare with a little longer… I will still be lurking though…
my mom is currently visiting a health resort (is that the right word idk) and today I got a card with a picture of cookie monster cupcakes - like the ones you see all over on Pinterest - and my mom wrote me “I’ll always remember the time you made them once. I got an allergic reaction because there was milk in it but it was worth it because you gave them to me. You need to bake them again with me. Love you, mom” and I almost teared up like a lil bitch but then I remembered that I had to pay 3 Euros to the postman because my mom forgot to put a fucking stamp on it
Last week this time I was in a super-bad place. I was ready to hop aboard the ‘death-is-preferable’ bandwagon. It’s a place I’ve been before and a place I will visit again. Thankfully, I have someone I can count on to help me get out of that place, and at the very least into bed with a few ativan under my tongue. I still felt like shit in the morning, but I was no longer in that place. It took a while for me to come back around, which is why i haven’t been here much. I want to make sure that #rinasai #pixelcurious #penig and that asshole porn-bot whose userpic is a dick-pic, know how much I appreciate their thoughtfulness (Well the pornbot, not so much. It was a really ugly dick.) I’m sorry for not responding directly. I needed to get my shit together.
I apologize for being absent these last few days.
So I woke up at like 5am on Tuesday to the agonizing sound of my husband passing a kidney stone. He didn’t hesitate to demand I call 911 (which he only does when he knows he can’t safely walk to my truck and have me drive him, something I wish some of my patients from the past would’ve observed)
Before EMS actually got there, he told me to call back and disregard, not knowing they were already in front of my house. So the entire fam ended up piling in my truck (my poor son was being so cute about not wanting to wake up) and I drove my husband to the VA hospital. The kids and I ended up going back home and back to sleep til he needed to be picked up. He has a follow up appt next week. I wish this nightmare would end. He’s suffered enough.
Then yesterday I spent all morning cleaning my house top to bottom. My kids even let me finish by staying out of my way. That was nice.
I have 7 baskets of laundry to put away today BUT I’m going to do my damnest to get Chapter 23 out. It’s only partially written at this point.
Went to a work meeting and had my boss bring up how great it was for my coworker to cover a shift… My shift when I was super sick. The proceeded to talk about making the attendance policy stricter and that people can’t be calling out as much, EVEN IF THEY’RE SICK.
Like… Fuck you? We literally have a manager who has been extremely sick and wouldn’t stay home and take care of their fucking selves. They now has fucking bells palsy.
I’m not fucking making myself sicker and passing it on just to sell fucking poop sand.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: *checks* Yup, still single. FAVORITE COLOR: Blue of any shade. LIPSTICK
OR CHAPSTICK?: Chapstick! I have a tendency towards dry lips, so lipstick is generally not my friend. LAST SONG I LISTENED TO: Some pop song on the radio in the lab that I couldn’t name if you paid me! But of my own music, I think it was ‘Swallow’ by Emilie Autumn. LAST MOVIE I WATCHED: Rogue One (still not over it) TOP 3 FICTIONAL CHARACTERS: This is cruel and unusual punishment, I’m not sure I can answer this! Emmm, okay, off the top of my head, Eowyn (Lord of the Rings), Dory (Midnight’s Daughter series) and Cassian Andor (Rogue One). That will have changed if you ask me again tomorrow. TOP
3 SHIPS: Jyn/Cassian for sure, then probably Dory/Louis Cesare and Eowyn/Faramir. BOOKS I’M CURRENTLY READING: Ahahahaha I have so many books on the go at all times, but at the moment, I’m in the middle of Words of Radiance Part 2 by Brandon Sanderson (if you’re into fantasy, can’t over-recommend Brandon Sanderson, he’s so original) and just started ‘The Establishment and How They Get Away With It’ by Owen Jones for a bookclub.