you’re relationships are not less because they’re not romantic

your friendships and other platonic relationships are just as important 

you are not less to someone because you are just their friend

your relationships as an aroace are valid and important and so are you

anonymous asked:

I was looking through some tumblr stuff about queerplatonic and demisexual and how somebody had said that queerplatonic and demisexual people don't deserve flags. So I just wanted to say it's no fair to say somebody doesn't deserve a flag because their sexuality/romantic orientation "doesn't exist". Because they do. Demisexual and queerplatonic are real and have and deserve a flag. 🙂 if you are queerplatonic or demisexual you are totally valid and don't let anyone tell you otherwise 😄💕

right? that’s like… why flags exist. to showcase something you’ve been told isn’t real, is a deformity. it’s a mark of your existence.

- Ino

Dear aphobes
You are the reason I have literally changed how I identify, and not in a good way. I used to be an out and proud ace, I’ve been actively IDing as ace for *8 years*, and now I refuse to specify any more than just saying ‘im queer’. Seeing your ignorance and hate for ace-ness and queerplatonic relationships seep out into the non-virtual community around me has forced me into the closet; I feel far mor comfortable telling people I’m transfemme than telling them I’m ace. I can’t even seek out the budding and newly revitalized ace community here for fear of being blackballed from the queer and trans spaces I’ve been a part of for years, because I’ve already seen it happen to another ace trans person. I hope you’re happy knowing how badly your rhetoric has hurt the trans people you ostensibly care about.

Every time a post on queerplatonic relationships makes its way around tumblr, the comments are inevitably filled with a flood of “IT’S CALLED FRIENDSHIP” or “WHY DO YOU NEED A WORD FOR THIS.”

Do you honestly think society regards friendship as an acceptable substitute for romance and marriage?  The thing is, most aros would LOVE if it could just be called friendship.

Because that would mean a world where:

  • Friendships are considered equal to or sometimes *SHOCK HORROR* more important than romantic relationships.  This is not an exceptional occurrence.
  • Romantic partners know that they might not be their datemate’s Most Important Person and are not bothered by this.
  • People commonly plan major life events around their friends up to and including housing, finances, employment, ect.
  • It is common for people to be in their 30s, 40s, 50s, hell even old age having lived with friends that entire time and no one has ever asked them why they’re not married.
  • It is common for people to have a committed lifelong partnership with their friend and no one bats an eye.
  • Having a life friend is considered something that can be regarded as equally close to marriage.  It is also taken just as seriously.

Until the day that those are true, friendship is unfortunately not an accurate word to convey the types of relationships we’re talking about. 

The “romantic-sexual/platonic” love dichotomy leaves no room for the real emotional nuances people experience in their attachments, and I think that it often causes us to live with simplified relationships not because we want to or because we have simple desires and feelings but because we have no experience, cultural context, or language to accommodate a complex social life or set of relationships. This is why language is so important. This is why words and labels matter. How can you have the kind of relationships you want with anyone, if you don’t even have the words to accurately express how you feel? Hell, half the time, people don’t even understand their own feelings and relationship desires because what they feel is not simple at all, but the only relationship framework they know makes everything seem simple and clear cut: romance and sex go together, friendship is separate from both of those things, couplehood/primary partnership is exclusive to romance and sex, etc.

But if we are to accept the possibilities and realities of asexual romance, primary nonsexual/nonromantic love, nonromantic sex and sexual friendship, romantic (nonsexual) friendship, queerplatonic nonsexual relationships and sexual relationships, etc…. we have to drop this way of thinking and speaking about relationships and love in a romantic-sexual/platonic dichotomous way. None of those “complex” relationships fit into that model

Non-Sexual Intimacy

One thing I’ve found that many allosexuals have a difficult time comprehending is the concept of intimacy outside of sex; or rather how an asexual or aromantic individual can maintain (and find fulfilling) a partnership where affection isn’t ever expressed in a sexual manner. So, because I am asked about this quite often by those outside of the asexual and aromantic communities, I’d like to make a quick post detailing some examples of non-sexual intimate acts and partnerships. 

Forgive me if I’ve missed anything.

Aromantic/Platonic/queerplatonic dating checklist

And here’s a rebloggable version.

This can be used by anyone I suppose, but is made specifically for people with a queerplatonic/platonic/non-romantic partner. You could use this with friends, too! 

Kissing (forehead, cheek, etc):
Kissing (mouth):
Hand holding: 
Other affectionate touching:
Hugging in public: 
Cuddling in public: 
Kissing (forehead, cheek, etc) in public: 
Kissing (mouth) in public: 
Hand holding in public: 
Other affectionate touch in public:  
Eye gazing:
Crying on: 
Being cried on:  
Massage (giving): 
Massage (receiving): 
Hair brushing (giving): 
Hair brushing (receiving): 
Nail painting (giving): 
Nail painting (receiving): 
Shaving (giving): 
Shaving (receiving): 
Bathing together (with bathing suits): 
Bathing together (naked): 
Seeing my partner naked: 
My partner seeing me naked:
Feeding my partner: 
Being fed by my partner: 
Tickling (being tickled): 
Tickling (doing the tickling):
Terms of endearment: 
Being called “best friend”: 
Being called “partner”: 
Being called romantically-coded words (boyfriend, girlfriend, etc):
Me having other platonic partners: 
My partner having other platonic partners: 
Me having other romantic partners: 
My partner having other romantic partners:
My partner doing romantic-coded things with someone else: 
Me doing romantic-coded things with someone else: 
My partner doing sexual things with someone else: 
Me doing sexual things with someone else:  
Touching my partner sexually: 
Being touched by my partner sexually:
Having sex of any kind with my partner [specify if yes]:
Sexual kink with my partner [specify if yes]:
Non-sexual kink with my partner [specify if yes]: 
“Romantically coded” gifts (flowers, chocolates, etc): 
Bed sharing (non-affectionate): 
Bed sharing (cuddling):
Tucking my partner in: 
Being tucked in:
Living together: 
[Platonic] marriage: 
Raising children together:
Having pets together:
Other stipulations/concerns:

I think that covers everything. If it doesn’t, please let me know and I’ll add it!

 And the categories could probably be “yes”, “yes, but ask first”, “yes, but with certain restrictions”, “no”, “maybe; ask first”. 

Hello! Recently, I was surprised by the amount of people who come into our askbox asking about how to start a QPP with someone. Usually, the answer is “I don’t know! It depends on the person.” But this might help those of you that are shy and are not sure where to start. It can also serve as an ice-breaker.

I tried to be as broad as possible on a tiny sheet on paper. Feel free to edit it, make changes, etc. :) I have a higher-res PNG version if you need it. Just contact me! (chekhovandowl)

Half of fandom: “These characters are totally in love with each other!”

Other half of fandom: “Ugh, stop sexualizing everything, can’t we appreciate a beautiful friendship?”

Aromantics and asexuals: “Hey, could we include some queerplatonic relationships? Or romantic non-sexual relationships that aren’t considered inferior? Or maybe even some sexual non-romantic relationships that aren’t considered shallow and unfulfilling?”

Fandom: *crickets chirping*

Romantic Relationships vs. Queerplatonic Relationships

(Please note that for the purpose of this post I’m using “queerplatonic” to mean “committed platonic relationship” as I know not everyone is comfortable with this term. I am talking about my own experiences, and for my own experiences queerplatonic is the word I enjoy using, although I know this isn’t the case for everyone.) 

A very close friend of mine recently was questioning their romantic orientation, and asked me what the difference between a committed platonic relationship and a romantic relationship was. This gave me pause, and it’s also a question I get here at Aromantic Aardvark quite often. Usually I answer with “it’s self-defined, no one knows how you feel but you”. I still agree with this sentiment, but while talking to another friend of mine - also an aro in a committed platonic relationship - I think I came up with a definition, or at least one that works for me personally. Please note that I am not saying this definition works for everyone, however.

My idea was that queerplatonic relationships were sort of the ‘mix and match’ of relationships, which is why it’s so hard to define and articulate. If you ask twenty aro spectrum people who experience these feelings what this word means, you will get about twenty different answers. With romance, even though some of the things may vary within specific relationships and everyone has a different experience with it, there is still a narrative that is generally followed and things that are expected in a romantic relationship. For example, bed sharing, hand holding, cuddling, kissing, etc. One or two of these things might not be present in the specific relationship, of course, but there tends to be certain things that are expected in a romantic relationship before it is simply considered platonic. Likewise, there are certain things expected in strictly platonic friendships - in most friendships, if you kiss or share a bed with them, it would generally be considered unusual. 

Queerplatonic to me means the breaking down of narratives. It means no rules. It means doing, essentially, whatever you are comfortable with. If you want to be best friends for all intents and purposes but also get married, that’s okay. If you want to kiss sometimes but don’t want to feel obligated, that’s okay too. This is why every person in a relationship like this has a different definition of it, because there are no rules. Queerplatonic means forging your own definition, saying “neither platonic or romantic is right”, and just doing whatever feels comfortable in the moment. It means making your own structure, mix and matching what you and your partner feel comfortable with. And I think trying to strictly define a queerplatonic narrative defeats the whole purpose of it. The purpose of it is to forge your own definition, to say “none of these words fit, so I’m going to make my own”. Queerplatonic is the breaking down of boundaries, or at least, that’s been my experience. It’s uncharted territory that has no societal bounds, that has no one making a strange face at what you do or don’t do in your relationship (or at least, not from people who understand the concept). Queerplatonic means mixing and matching, saying “I want to do this platonic thing, and this romantic thing, but not this romantic thing”.

That is, fundamentally, the most important part of a queerplatonic relationship. Breaking down boundaries, blurring the lines between platonic and romantic. The specifics may be different depending on the specific relationship, but that’s one thing I’ve found that all have in common. 

Hey guys, just wanted to remind u all that queerplatonic relationships are more than ‘just friendships’
Queerplatonic is a word used to describe a deep emotional connection between two ppl tht transcends friendship but is not romantic in nature
QPR’s are most often found among aromantic ppl but othr lgbtqiap ppl can nd do have queerplatonic partners
QPR’S are vry real nd valid nd theyre all wonderful
So next time u wanna harrass an aromantic person for “not knowing what friendship is” , shut the fuck up

honestly a qp relationship would be so great like you’re my best friend and we do best friend things but you’re like more than my best friend because I love you with all my heart but platonicly and we don’t have to do romantic stuff but we totally can if you want it’s chill and we can cuddle and tell each other everything without it being weird and we can eat ice cream and sing at the tops of our lungs and annoy the people around us with how in platonic love we are with each other and we can just hang out and find comfort in each others company even if we don’t say a word to each other like all day and I know you’re there and you know I’m there and we’ll just help each other and support each other and ugh qp relationships