queen crop top

Fairy Tail Men + Grindr Profiles

Somebody did FT tinder profiles and @ice-bringer and I got this idea and couldn’t resist.

Natsu:

  • Screename: 2hot2h4ndle
  • Opens with the line “so are you interested in older men”
  • Pretty good about not instantly sending dick pics
  • Profile lists his age as 428
  • Doesn’t know what “DDF” is, thinks it has something to do with food
  • Is about as subtle with his flirting as a brick to the face but you know it’s Grindr and at least he’s not horridly perverse about it
  • “I am a tWUNK, okay, TWUNK”

Gray:

  • His profile has his face in it but he’s covering it with his hand
  • Doesn’t actually use it that often; prefers real life contact and going out to pick people up
  • Has to explain “PNP” to Natsu
  • Knows what PNP is bc he’s done it
  • Becomes Natsu’s source for information on mlm slang
  • Wants to die

Gajeel:

  • Screenname: hardasiron
  • Headless torso
  • Dick pics with piercings

Laxus:

  • Actually has a decent face pic??
  • BUT ALSO THOSE ABS THO
  • Very polite but terribly sexy
  • He a Wolf Daddy u know it
  • Gets approximately 500 messages a day from thirsty bottoms

Freed:

  • The one people hit up for poppers
  • Hasn’t been on in ages
  • His profile pic looks like it was professionally taken
  • He’s literally lounging in a silk robe
  • A bit of a Daddy-chaser

Loke:

  • Profile says he’s “Just looking for friends”
  • Has hooked up with 3 dudes in the last two days
  • Profile also says “top” so there’s a lot of lies going on isn’t there
  • Flirts shamelessly, often makes the first move

Elfman:

  • Look me in the eye and tell me his profile wouldn’t say “masc4masc”

Jellal:

  • Screenname looks like a scene kid’s MySpace username from 2005
  • Halsey lyrics in his bio
  • He’s so depressing it turns away a lot of the dudes who message him

Sting:

  • Had an account for a while but doesn’t really use it now that he and Rogue are together
  • His pic makes him clearly look like a Circuit Queen tho
  • The crop tops. God, the crop tops

Rogue:

  • Never wanted a profile, thought all of it was very crass
  • Tried it once for about 24 hours and saw so many dicks they were scarred for life

Bickslow:

  • Doesn’t know what a phone is

Cobra:

  • So many snake jokes. So many.
  • “Wanna see my–” “I swear to god if you say snake–”

Cana:

  • Has a fake account just so she can find men for Gray, even when he keeps telling her to stop

Gildarts:

  • *Older person who doesn’t understand technology voice*: “Cana… what’s this… ‘Grinder’ I keep hearing about?”
  • Cana: instantly screaming

some facts about the flatwoods monster:

* she’s a lesbian
* she doesn’t have boobs she’s an alien
* when she paints her nails she dips her whole pointy finger in the bottle and hopes for the best
* she is the queen of the sleeveless crop top and maxi skirt combo
* she’s the leader of a local girl gang. they don’t do much crime they just hang out in cool jackets around the dumpy parts of town
* she loves animals so much that’s why she was in the woods she wanted to see a raccoon
*she gets sad that she can’t wear baseball caps
* her teeth are very pointy, she doesn’t show them that often tho
* she likes geodes cus they’re both sharp and beautiful. she can relate