Bellamy- I Loved and I Lost You
He and I against the world, that’s what he always told me. He promised we would venture this new world together and make it our own. He promised that no man, woman, or creature would tear us apart. Hand in hand we fought wars, we killed and we rebuilt and we always had each other. Until the night of MountWeather. He went in to do his part and I was set to do mine. The plan went perfectly, all too perfectly. We ended up in the control room together, my hand on the lever. With his hand on mine, we committed genocide. I knew the grief would be difficult, that he made need some time to deal with things. I’d be more worried if killing innocent people didn’t faze him then if he pulled away for a while. I had the whole thing mapped out; he’d express his need for some space, I’d comply, and after a while he would come back. Together forever, that’s what he said. I was wrong.
I always thought the worst night of my life would be when I killed hundreds of men, women, and children. I soon found that that was a joy ride compared to the night he told me he didn’t love me anymore. Those were his words, “I don’t love you anymore, I can’t. I look at you and all I see are the dead.” Then he left.
I loved him like he was my own. My own lover, my own second half, my own fairytale. I loved him like I would never lose him. But I did, oh how I did. The moment I saw the love fade from his eyes will be forever carved into mine. The warmth fading from those old soul brown eyes, the darkness spreading like a damn disease. His touch retracting from mine like I had burned him, the soft smile housed upon his petal pink lips turning into a cold straight line. I watched his love die right there in front of me. I loved him, and I lost him.
No amount of fire can keep me warm anymore; no amount of fur can replace the weight of him next to me. I never knew how much of me was actually him, until it was gone. My voice never sounded quite right after that, it sounded distant and foreign. Like someone old and broken had taken my place. Maybe someone did. Maybe an old soul took advantage of the body I left behind when I coward into the very darkest corner of my mind. All the romantic movies and sad songs, all the cliché talk of everything reminding them of the past, it was all true. I saw his face in every window, in every mirror, his smell staining every piece of clothing I own, the sound of his voice carved into the bark of every tree. He was everywhere, except the one place I needed him. My body felt too small and the world felt too big, I began to go mad. The days got longer, the air got thicker, and my blood got colder. The walls around me bled, the floors crumbling. I was a mess. I was a pile of discarded ash, a stain waiting to be removed. Who knew I’d ever love that boy so much, but I did. I loved him, and he was never coming back.
That was weeks ago, I think. Time is a feeble thing when you have no one to spend it with. I had attempted to run away from my problems with Clarke, following her to a place she called Polis. She explained all about Lexa and how we’d be safe there but I couldn’t make myself listen, my mind wondered to Bellamy and what I could have done to keep him. I would have followed her anywhere, I just wanted to run. Lexa welcomed me with open arms, she gave me a room and clean clothes, she tried to make a place for me at the dinner table with her and Clarke but quickly became accustom to my desires to be alone. Twice a day someone would knock on my door to bring me food, those were the only two times a day I talked to another person. Even that ceased after a while. I spent my days gazing out of the window, looking down at the city. I spent my nights lying in bed willing to give my soul to have one more night with Bellamy. The pain in my chest became bearable eventually, Id gotten so used to it I didn’t really actively notice it. That was until the day I realized I couldn’t remember the details anymore. It had completely slipped past me, at some point my clothes stopped smelling like him, I stopped seeing him in the windows, I stopped feeling his hands on me. Somewhere along the way, I forgot why I loved him. I was afraid for the first little while, I had attached myself to him so severely it felt as if I forgot him id forgot myself. It didn’t take long for me to realize how silly that was though, and then came the empowerment. I rushed around my room, cleaning and redecorating. It was the first time in weeks that I had the emotional energy to do anything and I wasn’t going to let it go to waste. I grabbed the clothes Lexa had given me and took a knife to them, cutting up the side the down the middle, exposing more leg and a lot more cleavage. I felt alive for the very first time in a very long while. I felt beautiful.
This feeling lasted for days, I ran out of my room with such energy I startled even myself. I walked with such confidence, you’d I think I was the heart breaker and not the broken. I swayed my hips just right, dominating every inch of stone I walked on. I made my way to the only place I knew, the commander’s quarters. I bound up the steps and flung open the door, Lexa and Clarke both jumping. When Clarke saw me, her eyes widened. A grin spread across her face as she dropped the things in her hands and ran up to me. She flung her arms around me and drew me into a deep hug.
“You’re back” She whispered into my hair and I pulled away to look at her.
“You’re god damn right.”
That was the day I got my life back.
It wasn’t long after that day that I met Roan. He was so tall and handsome; the fact that he was prince didn’t slip my mind either. The way his eyes pierced whatever he was looking at, the confidence in his voice, I couldn’t help but watch him closer than the others. The same day I met him, he became a King. I was terrified during the battle, I knew Lexa would kill him but she surprised everyone when she embedded her spear into the Ice Queens chest. I see why Clarke likes her. That night I had gone up to his room, carrying a bottle of wine I had secretly borrowed from Lexa, and asked if I may celebrate his survival with him. He nodded and invited me in, where we sat, talked, and drank. The boy could hold his liquor I’ll give him that, he found my low tolerance for it amusing. When the bottle ran low and moon was still high, he asked me to dance. His hands on me felt so right, I became addicted to the rise and fall of his chest on mine. Time seemed forgotten in his presence, a luxury I had long since abandoned. My skin was warmed by his gaze, those arctic eyes a mystery no man could solve. That night I fell for the Ice King.
Our flame burned long after the alcohol left our system. We had such a fire together, something no one thought possible of him. He touched me with such ferocity, yet such respect, I was bound to him in no time. I quickly became accustom to standing by his side, representing The Ice Nation with him, rather than Skikrew with my long lost lover. I saw no end to us, and prayed it to be true. He swore he’d never leave. When the time came, I left with him. Riding on horseback into the mountains where I could soon claim home. He promised to give me everything, a promise he did keep.
“Together forever.” I said softly, lying in bed with him at last.
“Till the last of the ice melts.” He whispered back.
Bellamy had a knack for hiding his emotions, hence why no body noticed how badly he missed her. She was his everything, his rock, his dream, the love of his life. No body saw the pain that grew inside him like a cancer, no body knew why he packed up in the middle of the night and left. He and only he knew where he was going. With a lack of horses to ride, the journey to Polis was cruel to say the least. It wasn’t anything he didn’t deserve though, and he knew that. He punished himself in every way possible for pushing her away, for hurting her so badly. Every time the sun rose he begged that she’d forgive him and every time the moon rose high he begged that she were okay. Alas his journey ended as he crawled up the steps on Polis, screaming for the guards to let him though. His shouts didn’t go unheard, Clarke came running down to him. She motioned for the guards to let him in, the second he got passage he ran to her grabbing her shoulders franticly.
“Where is she? I need to speak with her, I messed up. Please Clarke bring her to me!” He panted from pain and exestuation.
“Bellamy…” Her words soft with regret.
“She’s gone, she left with another man, she’s gone Bellamy.”
Her words knock the wind from his broken body, eroding him from the inside. His mind felt nothing, after all this he felt nothing and couldn’t speak a word. His heart could only muster up enough life for one emotion. Hopelessness.