quando omni flunkus moritati

Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati || Xander and Cordelia

Xander had made it out alive.  That was good, that was important.  Maybe he wasn’t the most helpful, but he mostly stayed out of the way and occasionally got in the blow or two.  He had almost no other thoughts in his head.  He made it, he was walking away from a battle.  He and Anya dragged Angelus to Spike’s with barely an explanation “Umm…still evil.  Don’t let him get away.  Buffy will let you know I guess. Thanks.”  

As soon as they left, Anya vanished.  Where was she going?  Then it hit him.  She was going to Giles.  To his…to Giles.  He could keep the thought away for now.  He just needed to get home.  It could hurt when he got home.  "I made it I made it ImadeitImadeitImadeit, tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.“  He kept focused on this fact.  He was at their building.  How was he here already.  Up the stairs second floor.  A door.  Giles and Andrew and Anya lived here.  He walked past this door every day and didn’t even think.  Now Anya would come back to it alone.  Why hadn’t he been by more?  Why had he been so sure he could stop it?  Why did he leave Giles unprotected? Why did he go at all? Why did he suck so much?

Giles was the man.  The role model.  The dad.  Giles was the dad Xander wanted to be.  He was going to be the adult when Xnader didn’t know how.  Xander never learned it.  Giles was going to know how to bring up kids, Giles was going to help, Giles was going to be grandpa.  Now Xander only had his real dad.  He couldn’t be the grandpa.  Xander couldn’t learn from him.  How was he going to do this?  Who was going to tell him how you could put money in banks and have more money and how to get loans and what he had to do when his stupid Italian visa ran out?  Angellus killed Rupert Giles and Peter Pan.

Why was he so selfish? Why was it all about him?  Why could he still not grow up? Stop looking at the door.  One more flight of stairs and you can sleep.  Why is your face wet?  It isn’t about you.  It’s your fault.  You tried to save Andrew when you knew it was wrong.  Couldn’t even get it right, he’s still dead.  Anya lives alone now because you failed at your one job.  Your baby is going to grow up broken and wrong because you don’t know how to be the grown up.  You let it happen.

He managed to tear his eyes away from the door long enough to bolt up the stairs and through the door.  Cordelia was waiting like he knew she’d be.  He had given her the basics in hazy texts.  Look at her.  You promised her, you let her down.  He cleared the space between them in two long strides.  "I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I tried, but Andrew was in trouble and I…I didn’t even help.”  

She opened her mouth to speak.  She’s going to tell you it’s not your fault, but she doesn’t know.  Don’t let her lie to you.  He put a hand over her mouth.  "No talking.  We can’t be talking.  It won’t go away if we’re talking.“  He replaced his hand with his lips on hers.  "See, that’s better?”  It’s not better.  "It is!“  He’s still gone.  "He is?” He is.  Xander barely whispered “he is.”

Xander looked up at Cordy.  "Umm…sorry.  Cordelia….h-he’s really gone.  And Andrew.  A-and there’s no hope for Willow.“  He pulled her close to him.  "So…a-are you okay?  What can I do?”