qdoba burrito

50 Reasons Burrito is a Better Significant Other Than You
  • Burrito doesn’t judge.
  • Burrito always listens to you.
  • Burrito doesn’t get angry.
  • Burrito can always satisfy their partner.
  • If burrito can’t satisfy, burrito doesn’t cause drama.
  • Burrito doesn’t complain if you have to get rid of burrito.
  • Burrito won’t get upset if you don’t call burrito.
  • Burrito won’t leave you unless you want it to.
  • Burrito won’t hurt you. Emotionally anyway.
  • Burrito will never lie to you.
  • Burrito won’t tell you burrito loves you and not mean it.
  • Burrito won’t get upset if you decide you want other foods.
  • Burrito can’t get pregnant, and can’t get you pregnant.
  • You never need to impress burrito.
  • Burrito will never put you down.
  • Burrito is warm.
  • If burrito is not warm, you can put burrito in the microwave.
  • Burrito will never pressure you into doing things you don’t want to.
  • If you get hungry, you can eat burrito without legal consequences.
  • Burrito understands if you don’t want to swallow.
  • Burrito is delicious enough for you to want to swallow.
  • Burrito won’t make you see shows/movies you don’t like.
  • Burrito embraces your musical tastes.
  • Burrito loves you exactly the way you are.
  • Burrito won’t make a mess of your house.
  • Burrito never shows up uninvited.
  • Burrito lets you watch the shows you wanna see.
  • Burrito won’t pressure you into getting married.
  • Burrito won’t pressure you into having kids.
  • Burrito won’t use up all the hot water in the shower.
  • Burrito won’t steal all the covers in bed.
  • Burrito has no strong opinions on pets.
  • Burrito accepts your religious views.
  • Burrito encourages your self-expression.
  • Burrito doesn’t complain about your life choices.
  • Burrito never forgets your birthday.
  • Burrito accepts whatever you choose to do for your birthday.
  • Burrito doesn’t mind that you don’t celebrate burrito’s birthday.
  • Burrito will never misgender you.
  • Burrito accepts your sex drive, no matter what.
  • Burrito won’t make inappropriate comments in front of your parents.
  • Burrito won’t go into the woods with your best friend, take drugs, and cheat on you.
  • Burrito will never question Stephen Fry.
  • Burrito understands if you don’t want to say “I love you.”
  • Burrito never judges a book by its cover.
  • Burrito understands how you feel about Joaquin Phoenix.
  • Burrito understands how you feel about Hugh Jackman.
  • Burrito understands how you feel about Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.
  • Burrito won’t complain if you set it aside for other entertainment.
  • Burrito won’t look down on you for preferring tea over coffee (or vice versa).
7/16/17

Ronnie and Dizzy, aka Team Tiny Bean, were behind the bar today. Ronnie’s beans weren’t so much the disappointment today. It was just kinda… everything else. The rice didn’t give me very high hopes for the rest of the burrito, but Ronnie seemed to pull an Ashley maneuver and started warming a 2nd tortilla. I got excited. Even if he wasn’t planning on filling the first tortilla until bursting, then maybe he was still expecting the first one to fail, and I would get some extra substance. The beans were ok, but there were no veggies today. Even when they’re bad, I still kind of want them. I don’t get a whole lot of stuff, ya know? I got the very last handful of lettuce, which always makes me wonder why these shreds of leaf were passed up. Why were these the ones left behind? The 2nd wrap never came. The internet is still down, so my points have been cached, and will still supposedly update when the system comes back online.

When I was walking back to the office, I was trying to cross the street, but some dude in a new, bright yellow Camaro decided it was more important to cut in front of me so he could go half a block and get stuck in the standstill traffic on Wisconsin Avenue for the stupid drawbridge. That damn bridge spent more time up than down today. I heard Jay-Z and Beyonce’s yacht was docked in Milwaukee today, but it probably wasn’t that. It was probably just paddle taverns and other recreational vessels that are given free rein to bring all traffic to a halt all day every day. I feel like the tiny burritos I’ve been getting are atonement for the inconsiderate actions of humanity. I’m not saying I’m innocent. The opposite, in fact. I am just like everyone else. Hungry. Dissatisfied. Tired of waiting in that unmoving line for the bridge that doesn’t give a damn about you or anyone else. I scheme of ways to get ahead, not of the bridge, but just ahead of the next person in front of me. To get more beans out of Ronnie. To get that double wrap, failing so often, and then getting so frustrated at my failure. every. single. time.

I’m getting the burrito I deserve. I’m getting the burrito we all deserve. Ronnie. Dizzy. The Game. The Matriarch. They are the judges carrying out the sentence. The plop of the guacamole onto the tortilla is the sound of their gavel.

Court is adjourned.

Weight: 540 grams (19.00 oz)