pyro mania

Overwatch described by someone outside the fandom

All this is based solely off of what I’ve seen scrolling through my dash and what I’ve heard from friends. I’ve never played Overwatch or seen any of the animated shorts.

The Plot: …is there a plot? Is this a battlefield or a reality TV show where 20 people all have to live under one roof and get along together?

Soldier 76: dad. Good dad. Is stoic and protective of all his children, even the ones he says are pieces of shitty garbage. Probably watches Oprah and listens to smooth jazz while drinking wine in a recliner. Will never admit to any past or present relationship with Reaper, but everyone suspects that they get more than friendly from time to time.

Mercy: mom. Everyone’s mom. Even dad’s mom. She helps all the kids and is so patient and pretty but she needs coffee to function in the morning or she’s just a demon monster from hell.

Reaper: edge lord and King of darkness (self proclaimed), went to hell one time and decided it was too plush so he came back. If he were a food, he’d be a carrot maybe? KILLER THIGHS LIKE BLAOW!!! He’s secretly just a squish inside though. Likes kittens. I’m about 87% sure he’s also a Brony. Also he’s very very gay… very gay. Super gay. Ten whole gay.

Hanzo: “the thing that is most important in life is honor… and Cowboys. Mmmm… cowboys… btw have you seen my man tiddy and tattoo?”

McCree: “I’m a McCowboy that has come to McKick your ass!! Hey there Hanzo, looking McFINE today…”

Genji: “cat. I’m a kitty cat. And i dance dance dance. And I dance dance dance.” Also has the best ass I’ve ever seen.

Zenyatta: shaped like a friend.

Junkrat: is he adorable or is he super ugly and trashy?? Yes. Pyro mania and explosions. Always going at full speed. Too much energy.

Roadhog: BIG BAB BIG HANDS. Keep him safe. Doesn’t talk much because he’s always singing Broadway musical songs in his head. Trashrat’s only friend.

Tracer: “‘Ello, gov! Fancy a spot of tea in the garden?? It will be lov'ly jov'ly!!” Spunky and positive and might have some ADHD going.

Mei: cutie and sweetie and would be an incredible friend, also a much better ice queen than Elsa. Shy but if you pick on her friends, she will come atchya like cleopatra.

Torbjörn: so is he hated or loved?! Both extremes are everywhere, how does one develop an opinion?!

D.Va: sitting in the basement playing video games all day and hisses loudly when someone opens the door to let in the light, crawls and hides under the chair and bares her gremlin teeth and curses “NERF YOU” while 76 just slowly walks down the stairs to deliver a case of mountain dew and a family sized bag of Doritos to the ungrateful monster. She seizes the offerings, appeased for now as 76 leaves and she returns to her game, grumbling to her online friends that her parents are stupid and lame.

Winston: science monkey.

Zarya: everyone’s big strong tough lesbian mom/crush. Is anyone not in love with her? Legend says that once several bombs were placed on a statue of the Greek gods Ares and Athena… and after they exploded, out from the useless marble debris rose Zarya. Because she is flawless.

Lúcio: apparently doesn’t get enough love from the fandom, but he seems like the kind of guy who wouldn’t even care. He’s just happy to lend a hand when and where he can. Very nice. Very good. Heart of gold. Super fun and energetic at parties. His dreadlocks may possibly have evolved sentience…?

Pharah, Bastion, Widowmaker, Reinhardt, and Symmetra don’t make it onto my dash enough for me to guess anything about them.