put-me-back-together

I have this strange feeling that I’m not myself anymore. It’s hard to put into words, but I guess it’s like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.
—  Haruki Murakami

based on this suggestions blog.  warning:  these are pretty dark/angry  &  could be triggering to some people.  please be cautious before proceeding!!

‘  all i want in my life is for my friends to be able to touch me suddenly  &  me to not flinch away without meaning to.  when will this stop affecting me?  ’
‘  all i want is to be soft  &  gentle,  but i’m made out of steel  &  anger.  maybe in another life,  i guess.  ’
‘  beauty is in the eye of the beholder,  so choose to see beauty in everything.  ’
‘  burning it all to the ground  &  force them to start again.  they made you lose everything.  now return the favor.  ’
‘  do i ever even cross your mind or do i do all the thinking of us on my own?  ’
‘  do you trust me enough?  do you trust me at all?  ’
‘  don’t you dare abandon me.  ’
‘  even after all you have done,  i will always want you fighting on my side.  ’
‘  every time i see you smile i fall in love with your brightness all over again.  ’
‘  everyone i have ever loved is long gone.  i sing to the sky alone.  ’
‘  everyone i touch gets hurt,  but i can’t stop.  i touch  &  i touch  &  i touch  &  people get hurt.  why can’t i ever stop?  ’
‘  everyone says i used to be a hero,  but i can still taste the blood in my mouth  &  still feel bruises blooming because of my fists  &  my eyes are still stretched wide  &  terrified.  ’
‘  everything i love has been taken from me.  what do i have left to fight for?  ’
‘  fall in love with someone that makes you feel strong.  ’
‘  friends are more important than any material object will ever be.  ’
‘  i am aching to hold you  &  keep you safe,  to be pressed against you so that nothing can harm you.  ’
‘  i am divine  &  you will bow before me.  ’
‘  i am fucking divine.  ’
‘  i am in control  &  i listen to no one.  ’
‘  i am not a good person.  don’t pretend i am.  ’
‘  i am not accustomed to love.  this is a learning experience.  ’
‘  i am not worth saving  &  i am not worth redemption.  let me stay in the dark.  ’
‘  i am so tired all the time,  all i want to do is rest.  ’
‘  i am too tired to deal with any of this.  ’
‘  i bow to no man.  ’
‘  i broke into sharp pieces when i broke  &  i expect someone else to hurt their hands on my edges just to put me back together.  i’m sorry.  ’
‘  i can give you your wings back  &  i can show you to fly once more,  if you only believe in me.  ’
‘  i cannot be saved.  ’
‘  i can’t ask for help because if i ask for help it hurts people.  i can bear this weight on my own.  i have to.  ’
‘  i could taste the lies in your mouth every time i kissed you,  but i loved you too much to notice.  ’
‘  i crave affection in the simplest way.  ’
‘  i deserve to hurt.  i deserve to bleed.  ’
‘  i didn’t ask for any of this so don’t you dare blame this on me.  ’
‘  i don’t care if you say my name like it’s poison or like it’s a prayer,  as long as it leaves your lips.  ’
‘  i don’t fight for you anymore.  ’
‘  i don’t want to let go of you.  not now,  not ever.  ’
‘  i don’t want to talk about it.  i don’t want to remember.  i don’t want to heal.  all i want is for it to go away.  ’
‘  i don’t want you to touch me.  please don’t touch me,  just go away.  ’
‘  i feel anger deeper than my bones.  i feel anger in my very soul.  ’
‘  i feel nothing at all,  except for when i feel everything all at once.  ’
‘  i have fallen  &  though i may miss the sky,  i belong here now.  ’
‘  i have fallen from a height your mind cannot even imagine.  ’
‘  i have no home anymore.  ’
‘  i remember collapsing in the flames with a sword in my hand  &  then i remember nothing.  ’
‘  i see beauty in everything,  but especially in you.  ’
‘  i should never have fallen in love with you.  ’
‘  i thought for a long time that i was so terrible no one would look at me.  now i know it’s because i shine so bright they are forced to look away.  ’
‘  i was so caught up in the feeling that i forgot how to breathe.  ’
‘  i will never amount to anything.  i am a failure in the worst type of way.  ’
‘  i will tell myself that the burn of my loneliness in my chest completes me  &  maybe someday it will be true.  ’
‘  if that’s what a hero is i’m glad i’m not one anymore.  ’
‘  if you ask me to,  i will set the whole world on fire,  my dear.  it’s all for you.  ’
‘  is it my fault?  it’s my fault.  it’s always my fault.  ’
‘  it’s not murder if they deserved it,  right?  ’
‘  i’m drowning in emotions that don’t belong to me,  choking on anger  &  suffocating on sadness.  ’
‘  i’m in love with everything that hurts me.  ’
‘  i’m okay.  i’m alright.  this is all in my mind.  ’
‘  i’m ready to give up everything i’ve ever had if it means someone will love me.  ’
‘  i’m so cold  &  i can’t stop shaking.  i am not who you think i am.  ’
‘  i’m so tired all the time  &  i just want to be awake again.  ’
‘  i’m tired of fighting against the pain of being forgotten.  i just want someone to remember me.  ’
‘  i’m tired of fighting everything in my life.  just make it stop.  ’
‘  i’m too tired to care.  blow up,  get angry at me.  i’m sure someday i’ll realize i deserved it.  ’
‘  jealousy burns within me.  ’
‘  just let me go in peace for once in my damn life.  ’
‘  loneliness is a disease  &  it leaves me empty  &  hollow,  like sound goes through my body  &  bounces back.  ’
‘  made of starlight  &  sunshine,  i shine brighter than they all know.  ’
‘  my anger is righteous  &  my actions are pure.  ’
‘  my chest aches  &  my lungs burn.  this sickness comes from the inside.  ’
‘  my chest hurts  &  all i need is some comfort  &  understanding.  ’
‘  my chest hurts  &  i ache to go back to the sky.  ’
‘  my shoulders are aching where wings used to be  &  all i want is for them to stop hurting.  ’
‘  pull me apart  &  piece me together in your own way.  make me perfect.  ’
‘  righteous fury throws through my veins  &  if you touch the people i love i will destroy you.  ’
‘  rise up.  you can’t keep being small when you were made for so much more.  ’
‘  say my name like it’s the only one that’s ever been on your tongue.  ’
‘  so much blood has been spilled in my name.  time to make you believe it was in yours.  ’
‘  so you’ll worry about me when i fall silent,  but not when i scream  &  plead for help?  fuck off.  ’
‘  sometimes people have to get hurt for me to get what i want.  ’
‘  stay away from my fucking friends.  stay the fuck away or so help me i will destroy you.  ’
‘  stop treating me like i’m an idiot.  you aren’t better than me in any way  &  you better remember that.  ’
‘  the bitter taste of regret is ever present on my tongue.  ’
‘  the world is spinning far too fast for me to stay on it.  ’
‘  to love them is my divine right.  ’
‘  voices whisper from the shadows  &  they fill my mind with thoughts of you.  ’
‘  what did i to wrong to be so unloved?  ’
‘  what is the point of power if i’m not supposed to use it?  ’
‘  who the fuck do you think you are?  ’
‘  why can’t i ever fucking stop crying?  ’
‘  with a new year comes new tests  &  triumphs.  let’s try to make the most out of it.  ’
‘  would it really kill you to be honest for once?  ’
‘  yes,  i remember my wings breaking  &  being destroyed.  i was powerless to stop it.  ’
‘  you are not required to love your parents,  or to even like them.  ’
‘  you can’t hate me more than i hate myself,  but you are more than welcome to try.  ’
‘  you may say you love me,  but you love only a part of me.  i am too complex for you to ever love my entire being.  ’
‘  you never fucking cared about me.  don’t fucking lie about it.  not to me.  ’
‘  you remind me of mint.  fresh,  sharp,  kind of cold,  but in a nice way.  i always knew there was a reason mint was my favorite.  ’
‘  you shine light in even the darkest parts of me.  you are my sun.  ’
‘  you should fear me,  but you don’t.  i will be eternally puzzled,  yet grateful.  ’
‘  you touch me  &  my skin burns  &  it burns for you,  always you.  ’

I find beauty and pain when I begin to write again.
Although my thoughts pour out perfectly onto this page, I have come to recognize that only when I am broken, that is when my words flow gently out of my mind.
I sadly have no one to pick up my pieces right now, so here I am. Writing down every little thing that escapes my mind. As if that’ll help put me back together.
Hallelujah

Summary: Through Bucky’s eyes, he falls in and out of love with you.

Pairing: Fem!Reader x Bucky Barnes

Word Count: 1,545 (incl. lyrics)

Warnings: Angst. 

A/N: Heard this song today and well, this came out. Hope you all enjoy.

Originally posted by gliceria


Well I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
Well it goes like this: the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah 

I remember the day I met her. I recall everything, the clothes she was wearing, the weather, the name of the waitress that was taking my order, how stale the soda became because I was so entranced with her, with the way she moved. I remember everything. And every now and again, my brain goes over this occasion, because it does not want to forget, does not want these details of such a monumental moment in my life to fade away.

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Loving you has been no small feat. It’s no different than someone climbing Mount Everest, hoping to make it to the top and aching with every step they take. But I keep going even knowing this could break me, as much as it’s put me back together. And if I ever get myself to the peak I know I’ll either enjoy the view, soaking in all the beauty that remains.. or I’ll let out a deep sigh, look down below with tears in my eyes and jump from the ledge.
—  Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #63

i. i crawled across the bathroom floor, my heart tied to one snapped heel, because i’d been taught supplication, not domination. you laughed and stomped on my fingers and i licked blood from the sole of your boot.

ii. i grew thorns instead of fingernails and barbed wire instead of a smile. i wrote it all over my body: ‘DO NOT TOUCH ME, I WILL MAKE YOU BLEED.’ ‘I WAS SOFT ONCE, BUT NEVER AGAIN.’ No one noticed until it was too late.

iii. him, for instance: soft-lipped, sweet-smiled boy with cool hands and a laugh like breaking clouds. i whittled him down, kissed hellish silence and late-night storms into his skin even after he begged for mercy. he stabbed himself in the neck with his favorite pen, because i’d taught him that the things you love hurt the most.

iv. i picked up your bad habits: your bite, your hard eyes, your fingertips that felt like honey and acted like arsenic. should a boy ever drag himself across bloodied linoleum and hold his hands out to me, i won’t hesitate to impale his wrist with the snapped heel i never bothered to fix – i was taught supplication, but now i’ve been taught to kill what loves me the most.

v. thank you for taking me apart and putting me back together loud and bloody. i no longer hear my own screams, as the screams of my lovers are louder.

—  I PICKED UP YOUR BAD HABITS // abby, day 235
Good Shot

Clint x Reader

The sirens blared into your ears, the building rumbled underneath you. A panic flash back of the hot desert, the bullets spraying passed you, grabbed a hold of you. Collapsing on the ground, you bury your head into your bloodied knees. People were screaming and running around you, it all felt imploding until everything went silent. Your heartbeat was loud and rapid, tears fell down your face. It was inescapable. War was everywhere you went, tucked into every street corner.

“Ma’am,” a soft voice broke through the silence. A steady hand touched your shoulder, causing your hands to grip tighter against your head. Your body trembled violently, lips quivered as a little blood spilled from your mouth.

“Are you hurt? Let’s get you the hell out of here,” the man’s voice was calm and collective as he attempted to reach for your hand.

“Leave me alone,” you cried out.

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Wait, That’s Her?

Pairing: Scott Summers x Reader

Summary: Reader is a student at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, and her mutation is the control of plants and nature - She re-grows the tree that Scott destroys when he first arrives and from that moment on, he’s fixated on her. 

Warning: none !!

Word Count: 605 (sorry it’s so short - part 2 maybe?)

A/N: inspired by how Jean & Scott met.

Originally posted by claracivry

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The 20 Times I Cried While Reading A Court of Wings and Ruin

I have never cried while reading a book as much as I did for ACOWAR - and that’s saying something considering how emotional I can be when it comes to books. It seemed like every chapter I was holding back tears and by the time I made it to the end of the book I felt like a husk of the person I had once been. This book drained me, emotionally, mentally, even physically with its moving scenes and finality and I felt to truly do justice to the impact of ACOWAR, rather than favorite moments (of which there are many), I needed to give credit to the scenes that left me inconsolable at three in the morning. And while this post could be more accurately titled the “82 times I cried while reading this book”, I spared myself and you from that emotional trauma and narrowed it - really, I did - to the moments I physically, tears on my cheeks, sobbing, cried, while reading ACOWAR.

So grab some tissues, some tea and a pillow, because here are the 20 reasons I cried while reading A Court of Wings and Ruin by Sarah J Maas.

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Marrying Jung Hoseok

Series: Park JiminJeon Jungkook | Kim Namjoon | Min Yoongi | Kim Seokjin | Kim Taehyung

Originally posted by joeguk

  • You were about to go to bed after a long marathon of all your favorite kdramas, which had subsequently led you to laughing, smiling and crying simultaneously, when knuckles rapping loudly against the door made you furrow your eyebrows in confusion. 
  • “W-Who is it?” You asked cautiously, walking towards the door with slow steps. 
  • “It’s me” 
  • “Hobi, what’re you doing here so late?” Your hands reached for the door but you stopped yourself, “We aren’t supposed to see each other before the wedding, is everything okay?” 
  • “Yeah,” His voice was unsure and you leaned against the door, “I-I was just wondering if you were, I don’t know, having second thoughts?”
  • His question caught you off guard, worry and anxiety striking your heart
  • “I’m not, are you?” You replied back, voice steady and calm
  • “No but I just,” You could hear a stifled cry, “I just don’t want you to regret this, to regret being with me.”
  • You scoffed at his words, god if only you could open this door, you’d yell at him for even suggesting such a thing.
  • “Baby,” You cooed softly, knowing that yelling wasn’t going to do either of you any good, “I love you and one day, maybe after a few years of being with you, I want to look in the mirror and see someone like you, someone capable of sacrifice, courage and love.”
  • “I could never regret marrying you, Jung Hoseok and I can’t wait to get married to you tomorrow.”
  • You could hear a soft laugh mixed with a sob and smiled softly to yourself. If only you could open the door and hug him, it would’ve been perfect.
  • Damn you and your stupid superstitions.
  • “Ugh, I’m supposed to be the one making you cry, not the other way around.” He chuckled and you could feel his weight pressing against the wood of the door.
  • “Sadist, aren’t you?” You giggled, “Well, I’d stay and talk but I need to go to bed if you don’t want your girl to have raccoon eyes tomorrow.”
  •  “Oh hush,” He remarked, “Fine, sleep well, I’ll be waiting for you at the altar.”
  • “I’ll be the one in white.”
  • The next morning, you woke up calmly and were making yourself a nice cup of tea when your best friend came barging in with a few other girls trailing behind her, no doubt holding multiple bags of make-up, shoes, accessories and whatnot.
  • And when she saw you sitting calmly by the counter, sipping tea.
  • She took a deep breath, willing herself not to yell at you and spoke to you in the most sarcastic of tones
  • “Will your majesty please go have a fucking bath so she can get dressed for her fucking wedding?”
  • “Can’t even speak a full sentence without swearing, can ya?” You chuckled, putting the mug in the sink before going to do as she asked, “God, I should’ve never picked you as my maid of honor.”
  • “Hush,” She replied, pushing you into the room, “The dress is on the bed, please try to hurry up, won’t you?”
  • After that it was a blur of getting dressed and letting her have her way and putting on your makeup and fixing you hair
  • Although you had to admit, the end result was more than worth it.
  • “Thank you so much,” You spoke softly as you neared the venue in your car, your hand gripping hers as she was on the phone, checking with her husband if everything was going well on the groom’s side, “For everything.”
  • “Anything for my best girl.” She chuckled as the car halted to a stop, stepping out before you and helping you with the dress as you walked towards the elevator.
  • Unsurprisingly, your wedding was on the rooftop of the hotel, with enough people there to make it memorable but not messy
  • “Ready to go?” Your father asked, holding his hand out and with a nod, you linked your arm with his as you walked down the aisle.
  • You saw Hoseok, standing under the makeshift arch, looking absolutely perfect and ethereal in his suit with his smile so bright, you almost felt your eyes squeezing shut from the brightness
  • Once you reached him, your father let go of your hands, giving Hoseok an approving pat on his back as he held your hand.
  • And then the priest began reciting all the cliché lines, Hoseok repeating it with fervor and as much as it painied your pride to admit it, you did too
  • And then comes the time for the vows
  • And for you to sob like a three-year old who dropped their ice cream
  • “Baby,” He cooed softly, “I don’t even know where to start, gosh,” He was frazzled, millions of thoughts running through his mind but he settled on a few, “Yesterday, when I was at your door all terrified and scared, your words calmed me down instantly, just like how you help me feel at ease every time I get stressed at work.”
  • “And I just want to say, that you’re the only one in front of whom I can break down, bare myself with all my weaknesses without the slightest bit of hesitation because you, you are the only one who can put me back together.”
  • “And that’s because you make me whole.”
  • In your mind, you’re already remarking, oh great, I won’t be able to say anything because I’m dead, k thanks, peace out
  • So, after a few minutes of sobbing and your cheeks stained with tears you manage to speak:
  • “I may not be the best of people, hell, I’m probably even the worst but you, you make me so unbelievable happy and warm and just so happy. When I’m with you, everything else is secondary to me because to me, you are my priority. You are my sun, moon and stars, shining oh so brightly in my life and illuminating the darkest of my days.”
  • “And even though I doubt I can make you as happy as you make me,” You paused, taking a deep breath, “I will, for the rest of my life, try to love you the best I can.”
  • You can already hear your best friend cry, her husband, Jimin, comforting her in his arms as you leaned in to kiss Hoseok, both your cheeks wet with tears as they pressed against each other yet you had never felt so warm, so happy.
  • Once you break away from the kiss, the priest himself shedding a tear at your vows, officially pronounced you husband and wife, the guests burst into an applause and you smiled embarrassedly as you leaned against Hoseok who has his hand wrapped around his waist.
  • The rest of the evening goes into attending to your guests, engaging in conversations with your friends and receiving some really emotional yet mildly amusing toasts from all of them.
  • As they begin to leave, you and Hoseok head for your room in the hotel, having booked one of the most amazing honeymoon suites that they had to offer.
  • So, you go into your bathroom, putting on the most ridiculous piece of lingerie you had ever seen, yet you had let your best friend convince you into buying it, saying something about how good your ass would look in it.
  • And so, you washed your face, ridding it of the makeup, brushed your hair and put it on, eyeing yourself warily in the mirror but after a few minutes of contemplation, gave up and walked out.
  • Only to find Hoseok lying on the bed in one of the fluffy white bathrobes with a rose in his mouth that hilariously dropped to the floor when he saw you.
  • “Oh, dear lord…”
  • You shifted uncomfortably where you stood, hands flying up to cross at your chest before yelling, “I’m going to go change!”
  • “Don’t you dare, baby girl,” His deep voice grabbed your wrist, pulling you back and slamming you against the wall, “I like it.”
  • And that’s when you realize that domseok has come out to play.
  • But you’ve never been one to back down from a fight.
  • Leaning back, you look cockily at him before speaking in a stern tone
  • “Why don’t you,” Your fingers pulled his chin up, kissing the length of his throat, “Show me how much you like it, babe?”
  • And let’s just say the rest of the night goes rather spectacularly
  • With you whispering about how much you love your husband when he’s begging for you and him whispering back how much he loves his wife when she’s screaming his name at the top of her voice.
  • But in all seriousness, once you’re done with your night’s celebrations and you’re lying comfortably in each other’s embrace holding your hands
  • Your fingers running over the gleaming silver adorning each of your finger’s
  • You can’t help but feel happy, like everything is just the way it was meant to be
  • And you have nothing short of an eternity of it with each other.

Originally posted by jinful

~Admin Sangria (who hopes this killed her wife, Midnight)