Dance post. like anyone really gives a fuck about my dance life lol
This is a long post. About my personal life and feelings about dance for the past 10 months. If you want to read, I would greatly appreciate it. If you don’t I don’t blame ya. haha. It’s not written well, as I just regurgitated my emotions plainly without editing so…here it is:
I don’t know if fellow dancers felt the same, but when i started out dancing…while I would listen to a song, I could feel the music naturally flow through me, and all i would wanna do is dance it out and let it go. But for a good chunk of time in the past year…that magic disappeared. I barely listened to the radio. When I heard music… it was just music. It wasn’t a gateway to a feeling of expression and high that I used to feel. I lost my magic. Hell, I was barely watching dance videos anymore.
I was certain that dance was leaving my life and that I would have to move on without it. Life was already moving its way towards it with college ending and the lifestyle that was occurring…but part of me knew that I would always be empty without it.
It wasn’t until this past summer when I auditioned for UFP again that I felt something in me crack and change. I was in the middle of the audition, and I felt myself loving what I was doing again. I was so caught up in what the teacher was saying, and so focused on getting the moves right, and the feels…I was slowly feeling it. The audition was over, and my shirt was drenched like back in the old days of UFPx, and even earlier PUSO Modern days. I got in my car, and couldn’t stop smiling about what just happened. But quickly…reality set myself back to my emptiness. How can I afford being on this company…you’re getting older now…being on the team 2 years ago was tough to financially manage…I felt empty again.
I spent the next two weeks going through life once again…not caring about dance or being nonchalant about it. All of a sudden, one of the UFP directors gave me a call and informed me that I made it back on the UFP LLC fambam. I jumped for joy. I was at a friend’s house at the time, and couldn’t contain my excitement. I had a few questions here and there about the situation..but deep down I was so happy to be back.
I went back to AIM studios for the first “rehearsal” aka first public class of the season…and LIVED. I loved both pieces and just really enjoyed myself. I got through both of the pieces and was ready for orientation. Meeting new people, seeing old faces…it felt amazing. Being in the small room of AIM again was quite refreshing. I fantasized about being in the room again, either sessioning or something or…working on set pieces on the side with teammates. Then, came the real orientation.
The directors passed around the contracts, and I stared at the contract a bit nervous. I turned to my friend and said,“ fuck man, I can’t do this on my own financially.” He turned to me and said to just talk to my parents…what’s the worst that can happen?
Well…the story unfolds as it did. I spoke to my father…he didn’t support me doing it again, since last time I did it, it put a hole into our pockets and my grades really suffered. I don’t blame him, but damn I was upset that night. Not to be completely wuss, but I cried that night. I knew this was my last chance to be on a company, and show the community that I can be a great student dancer as well as lead my collegiate team. I was literally heartbroken.
I spent the next few days watching the UFP carnival videos (lol) and random dance videos from amazing teachers all over the nation. I couldn’t shake myself from feeling like…great…now I’ll never be able to get to where I want to be. But slowly I began to realize what i was doing…I was watching dance videos again. I was watching them…and enjoying them. One video that I watched was a video of Candace Brown dancing to “Gravity” by Miguel. My friend had posted it, and I just loved the feel of it, I decided to freestyle downstairs. The rest is history.
I’m sitting here contemplating on emptying my wallet on the ML tour lol. But it’s a good brain teaser, because I feel myself excited about maybe something dance related again. I already invested in going to dance classes in the city, as well as go back home a few weekends and catch community classes. The first day of classes, I sessioned with a group of my friends, and it absolutely felt great. I realized that not all is lost here. I can still grow, I can still better myself. I just got to find others ways to do it.
Currently I made myself back on PUSO Modern as a dancer…no longer as a director. I feel my time as a director is really over. I had a great 2-3 years leading the team, and its time for someone else to take over. I think it’s time for me to look inward again, and get myself to a level I only dream about today. Let tomorrow fulfill the dreams I seek, and bring me back the magic I had lost.
sorry that was mad stupid. but I haven’t done these…i’m just gonna write my thoughts out kind of posts lmao. thanks for reading if you made it all the way down here lol.
But i learned a few things from a castmate, Jen Jeng. So shouts to her for this one. Im not going to disclose what she taught me in accordance to dance due to Barrio secrecy…but i loved it. Really broadened my horizons once again. I haven’t felt that way since summer when i was rigorously training.
After some time…and after all these technical and formal problems arisen regarding the dance team…i know i fell out of love with it for a bit. But today showed theres still love somewhere.
So…i know im beat. But i had a blast. Let’s see what the next week holds!