pushing me away

“I’ll be here for you, I love you.”

It’s not exactly the last thing we said to each other, but the last bit of romance that was left. We were long distance for about 11 months, he always promised me I was the only one. In the last few weeks he began to push me away and I knew what it meant, there’s someone better. Someone prettier, someone nicer, someone he can physically touch. Something I couldn’t give him. I asked him to forget me, in which he replied that he couldn’t forget me as long as he lived. He forgot me weeks ago when he was making her feel the way I did.
I wish him the best, but I hope he feels like shit for doing the one thing he promised never to do.

I think it’s so easy for me to push everyone away because I’ve been taught and shown this over and over again. No one has ever bothered to fight for me, show me that they truly want me and no someone else, and just to pick me at the end of the day. I’m always there for a few good months and then get tossed aside when something or someone else comes alone. I’m tired of feeling like a second option with everyone. Like I’m easily replaceable in people’s life.

Then always told “you’ll find someone else or someone better…” hence the whole speech of bulshit I always get when the break up happens 🙄

It’s easier for me to run because I can’t deal with another person coming into my life and just tossing me aside like I meant nothing. Rather protect my own heart before someone else gets their chance to ruin it.

I deleted it. I deleted it all. One simple step. One simple button. And it felt like some weight had been taken off my shoulders; some burden suddenly released. I was defining myself by that list. I didn’t care for anyone on the list, not in the way I should had. It was simply a bunch of empty names and a bunch of blurred faces. But I can see yours clearly. I can see yours with deep detailed lines and smooth, playful curves. I see you. And I see me. I am now free to define myself for who I really am. Yet, I’m the only one who can define me; my definition is my control and no one else’s. So I still have a lot of work to do but now I owe you the world for helping me slowly push away what’s been buried underneath all those cobwebs and dust for so many years. And for that, I will keep you.

anonymous asked:

But i love yout blog and house please dont push me away. we had so many memories together, remember when: You posted a selfie and i was all fuck shes cute. I read you were ace so i looked it up and soon disscovered there was a word for what i was and i wasnt a freak. I skiped all your posts about season 4 for... well i still do i really need to watch it. Or what about when you answered my first ask to anyone on tumblr. We have so much together please dont make me leave because i think hes ace:'(

I’m not making you do anything and I’m gonna be honest and say it’s hard for me to know if I have any memories with you if you’re on anon. Fact is I’m ace and I don’t think Sherlock is, so I’m not going to pretend like I do on my blog.

Based on @paperficwriter‘s Genos headcanon(s)!

I really wanted to love you.
I really did but you wouldn’t let me.
I can’t do this anymore.
I’ve tried and tried but you always push me away.
I would like to apologize for giving up on us but I can’t.
I’m exhausted from feeling insignificant.
I would have shown you a different type of love but I have to go now.
I can’t love you if you don’t want my love.
I just wished you would have told me what you wanted.
You were too vague.
I need certainty.
I really don’t want to give up but I am telling myself to because I don’t want to get hurt either.
Goodbye.
—  T.C - I can’t keep hurting myself
Roasting me is ineffective because you can’t tell me worse things than I already think of myself.
—  707
    '' Tea Party ''