push away ones who care


Before You Go ~Jeff Atkins x Reader~

It was stupid. It was a really fucking stupid idea, and she knew it. As soon as Zach opened his mouth it was guaranteed that whatever came out would be an outstandingly bad idea. And it was.

Zach’s family was out of town, so naturally that was cause enough to have a kickback. Without much coaxing from Zach and Montgomery, she agreed to hangout with them and their friends. It wasn’t like her, not really. She didn’t partake in their idiotic endeavors. But it had been a rough week and she wasn’t doing too well. She didn’t want to talk about it. She just wanted to distract herself with bad ideas and bad influences.

“Since when do you hangout with them?” Jeff had questioned, his arms crossed over his chest tightly in a way that made the veins pop out.

“Me and Zach have always been friends, you know that,” She shot back, not wanting to have this conversation.

“Okay but you hate Bryce. You have literally referred to him as ‘everything you despise in this world’. And you’re not overly fond of Montgomery either,” he pinched the bridge of his nose in the way that he always did when he was frustrated and didn’t understand.

“I’m not asking for your permission. You’re not my third parental guardian,” she snapped, her tone a lot harsher than it should have been. He wasn’t being controlling, he wasn’t telling her not to go. He just didn’t understand why she wasn’t acting like herself.

“I know, and I’m not trying to be,” he sighed, his lips were pressed together tightly, “Before you go just tell me why. You’ve been acting different and now you’re hellbent on hanging out with people you don’t even really like that much. You know they’re not gonna get up to some stupid shit.”

“Bye, Jeff,” she walked away. Her voice was flat and her face was expressionless.

“Just be careful, please!” He called after her, but it went in one ear and out the other.

Why do we push away those who care the most and run all too willingly to those who don’t really give a damn? Maybe because when someone cares they make you confront the things weighing you down. Maybe because when someone doesn’t care they’re more than happy to encourage every rash impulse you have. Sometimes we don’t want to talk through our problems. Sometimes we want to drink a fifth of vodka and forget our own names.

The kickback had started out fine enough. All the usual suspects were there and it was chill. But then Montgomery noticed the two new golf carts parked outside. They were shiny and untouched, completely untarnished. That was an invitation, and an ominous one at that. Everything Montgomery touched turned to ruins.

It all sounded like so much fun. Let’s race the golf carts. What could go wrong? The better question would’ve been, what could possibly go right?

It was fun, at first. It was fun until she found herself on the ground, her head aching and everything blurry. The shrieking of metal rang in her ears as everything had come back into focus. They crashed. It wasn’t catastrophic, but there was damage— damage to the carts, damage to them.

Her face felt wet and her right eye felt swollen. She didn’t have to look in a mirror to know there was a gash on her right temple while her right eye was bruising. Suddenly she didn’t want to be there anymore.

Zach had, unsuccessfully, pleaded with her to stay. She wasn’t having it. She shouldn’t have been there in the first place.

So now she stands on Jeff’s front porch with a dish towel pressed against her temple, feet shifting anxiously. Zach had dropped her off since he had been relatively unscathed in the wreck, just a few superficial scrapes. Zach’s a good friend, but he’s a little dumb and very much not Jeff.

The door swings open, causing her to jump back slightly. The light leaking out from the opening causes her eyes to squint as her figure is illuminated, blood splotches and all. Jeff stands in the center of the doorway with a confused expression twisting his features until he registers what he’s looking at. He blinks hard in surprise, his lips parting to say something.

“Before you say anything,” she stops him, “I completely acknowledge that I’m a fucking idiot, and trust me, I hate me more than you do right now.”

“Babe,” he sighs exasperatedly, “ I don’t think you’re an idiot, and I could never hate you. But I am on the verge of a heart attack, so please come inside and tell me what happened.”

She nods in compliance, following him into the house. They walk up the stairs in silence. The house is empty except for them. She regrets every decision she’s made in the past twenty four hours. She gave up a night alone with her boyfriend to get in a golf cart wreck with Liberty High’s most infamous jocks.

They reach the bathroom and she hops up onto the counter, waiting for Jeff to finish collecting whatever it is he thinks will patch her up. She parts her legs for him to stand between as he reaches to take the blood soaked towel out of her grip.

He frowns when he sees the gash on her temple. It’s not too deep, but it still doesn’t paint a pretty picture. The bleeding has stopped but the bruising becomes harsher as time passes. The feeling of cold water being dabbed onto her temple is soothing, or maybe it’s just Jeff’s presence.

“We crashed some golf carts,” she says quietly, looking up at Jeff through wet lashes.

“Is everyone okay?” he asks, reaching for the rubbing alcohol. The cotton pad becomes saturated with the liquid before he brings it to her wound. The second it grazes her skin she lets out a hiss of pain, gripping the edge of the counter.

“Yeah,” she breathes out as the pain subsides, “Everyone is fine.”

“Did it make you feel better?” he inquires as he places a series of butterfly bandaids on her skin to close to gash. His voice is so calm.

“No,” she whispers, “It only made it worse.” She drops her head to rest on Jeff’s shoulder, wrapping her arms around his torso. He envelopes her in his arms, rubbing circles on her back with one hand and stroking her hair with the other.

“Then why’d you do it?” he asks softly.

“I’m so stressed and nothing is going right. I’m so tired,” her voice cracks as she bites back tears.The weight of everything hangs over her. It’s overwhelming and it makes it hard to breathe.

“You’re okay,” he coos, “I’ve got you.”

“I’m sorry, Jeff. I’m so sorry,” she says into his shoulder as a few tears escape.

He pulls back to take her face between his hands, wiping the few stray tears making a trail down her bruised face. “You’re forgiven. Honestly you were forgiven the moment you showed up at my door. Just don’t shut me out, okay? Your problems are my problems and I don’t want you to ever have to go through anything alone.”

“I won’t,” she promises, “I love you.”

“I love you,” he whispers against her lips as he presses his against hers in a soft peck. “I love you,” he echoes as he kisses her nose. “I love you,” he breathes as he kisses her forehead. He repeats it for each part of her face his lips touch.

“I am so lucky to live in a world where you exist,” she smiles serenely.

“Yo soy el afortunado,” he grins backs, “How about I run you a bath?”

“That sounds absolutely perfect. Boyfriend of the year award,” she gushes, kissing his face.

“Yeah well you’ve had a rough week and you could use some relaxation,” he rubs his hands down her arms before turning towards the bath, “also you smell like blood and dirt.”

She rolls her eyes, hopping off the counter whilst removing her clothing.”I’ll forgive you for that jab if you get in the bath with me.”

“Think we can both fit?” he arches an eyebrow.

“We’ll just have to get close,” she grins, tugging the hem of his shirt up to pull it over his head.

The warmth of the bath water caresses her skin as she lays with her back pressed against her boyfriend’s chest. Her eyes are shut as she lets the rest of her senses absorb how at peace she is in this moment.

“This is so relaxing,” she sighs, cuddling further against Jeff.

“Mhmm,” he hums in agreement as he dips his head to kiss her cheek, then her neck, then her shoulder. “How does your head feel?”

“Hurts,” she shrugs casually.

“Do you want me to go get you an ice pack?” he offers, concern dripping off the words.

“I don’t want you going anywhere. I’ll grab one before I go,” she assures, tilting her head back to kiss the base of his throat.

“Uh huh, you’re out of your mind if you think I’m letting you walk away from me twice in the same day. With your luck you’ll trip on the way out and break your leg or something,” he laughs as he shakes his head. She can feel his laughter vibrating against her back. It’s a nice feeling.

“You raise a good point,” she mirrors his laugh, “I’ve made enough reckless decisions for the night.”

“Exactly. So just stay with me.”

“I can’t turn that down. Thank you for helping me put myself back together.”


And just like that another truth became apparent. Sometimes we pull away from the people we care about the most. And sometimes we run towards the people who are blatantly bad for us. But in the end we find ourselves at the place that our heart recognizes as home.


Gifs (X) (X)

13 Reasons Why- who's redeemable, who's blameless, and who deserves hell

So, after watching 13 Reasons Why I’ve genuinely found that the people on the tapes are in too much of a messy array- I mean, HOW can you mix a rapist with a girl who stopped being friends with you?! For that reason, I’ve created a list, based on how good a person is. The higher their score out of ten, the better they are as people.

0- you deserve severe, painful punishment
1-5- you’ve done some pretty horrible things, but you can still be redeemed.
6-9- you’re human, just like everyone else. we all make mistakes, ok?
10- you’re perfect. is your name Jeff Atkins by any chance?

Hannah Baker: Hannah Baker, our main character. She was a victim of high school bullying, yes, but she was also horrible at communicating, rude, and pushed away the one person who cared for her. Also, she never tried to stop Bryce though SHE WAS IN THERE AND SOBER, and neither did she tell anyone about Jeff. oh, and she didn’t leave a note for her parents. So, I say 7.5/10.

Clay Jensen: He tried his best to get through to Hannah, he was a good guy, but he didn’t, well, he didn’t really do much. I mean, Clay, seriously, you could’ve dated her easy, if you were a little more assertive. Also he’s occasionally a typical angsty teenager, so 9/10 is what he gets.

Justin Foley: He let the Jessica thing happen, but he was also blind drunk and struggling with a huge fear of having to go back to his life with an alcoholic mother and abusive stepfather, and losing his only lifeline- Bryce. It’s not justifiable, obviously, but I can see why he did it. His home life was horrible, and we could see how messed up he really was. And as for the picture, BRYCE sent it out, not Justin. At heart, he’s a good guy, or at least redeemable, however dickish he may be. Therefore, I give Justin a 5.5/10

Alex Standall: He made a LIST. ONE list. He was a typical idiotic high school kid, and the guilt of being on the tapes ate him up till he shot himself. 7/10. Alex was human.

Jessica Davis: She broke friends with Hannah. Why is that a crime!?! 8.5/10. She didn’t deserve to be on the tapes AT ALL.

Marcus Cole: He was a douche, yes. He tried to get in Hannah’s pants because she was easy, yes. It was cruel, yes. Ultimately, though, he was just a dick. 6/10

Courtney Crimson: Here we go. Courtney. I don’t blame her for not wanting her secret to come out, and I understand why she dumped the blame on Hannah- it was wrong, but she, like everyone else, was just flawed. What ruined her for me was what she did after the tapes, pushing Tyler out, defending Bryce.. that was what I found worst in what she did. So, for that, 6/10

Zach Dempsey: He liked her. She rejected him. He acted like an immature, entitled kid. This story happened everywhere, all the time. And also, he was a good guy, by the end. He didn’t deserve to be on the tapes. 8/10

Tyler Down: He was a creep, a stalker, and possibly planning a school shooting. But he was also bullied like hell. For that, he gets a 5/10

Ryan Shaver: Okay, so he would do anything for the zine. He published Hannah’s poem, ANONYMOUSLY, AFTER she read it out to a whole audience. He broke her trust, sure, but it wasn’t as horrible as she made it seem. 7/10

Mr. Porter: He was a bad guidance counselor, and he didn’t do his job. He could’ve told her parents or social services or ANYONE, but he didn’t. He was also probably a confused guy. For that, 6/10

Sheri: She was always sweet to Hannah and everyone else, and the one dumb thing she did was knock down the sign. It MAY or MAY NOT have caused the accident, and we don’t know for sure. Giving her the benefit of doubt, 7/10

Jeff Atkins: The boy deserved better ok?! 10000000000000000/10. He was perfect

Bryce Walker: He deserves hell, fire and eternal damnation. He’s a creep, an asshole, and a filthy, disgusting rapist. Fuck you, Bryce. -378383939939393/10

If you have the chance, check out my post on my blog about who deserved to be on the tapes and who didn’t. It kinda bases off of this list.

I Love You!

For the lovely @connorxxmurphy This is from your sappy prompt list and it is because I love you! Hope you enjoy! It a Conner x Evan paring with a side of sassy Jared. Along with Zoe and Alana who wish Conner and Evan finally get there acts together! I again I do not own!
Onwards we shall march!

Evan knew that Conner only saw him has a friend. For awhile Conner was just that a friend. Between the phone calls and eating lunch together it evolved into love for Evan.

Evan saw Conner in a new light. Not that kid who was angry and temperamental but a kind soul. Surprising Evan knew but it was true.

Conner would do anything to protect his friends and family. Going as far as labeling friends and family the same if he felt you deserve it. Conner has a protective strike a mile wide when it came to Zoe. Unfortunly due to Conner’s temper and the belief he did not need any help. It pushed people away and the ones who cared about Conner to be drained almost constantly from fighting with him.

At first it had scared Evan but slowly he grew accustomed to it. Actually becoming friends exactly as that crazy story Evan spun previously.

Evan loved how Conner actually stood up to him. Helped him through his anxiety and aided in projects that required that you speak in front of people. Miraculously it helped. Slowly mind you but Evan found he was not so nervous to speak in front of people as he used to be. However it had to be a small group and completely silent but for Evan that was progress. Looking back Evan remembered when he actually realized he loved Conner.

~Five Month Previously~
“Conner t-than you so mu-much for helping me. It really helped I got a 76 on the oral presentation.”

At the grade that he heard Evan had gotten. Conner’s eyes had lit up with joy. A strangely uncharacteristically trait of Conner’s. That only Evan was every truly privileged to see. Slinging his arm around Evan’s shoulder. Conner gently shook the shorter male.

“I knew you could do it! Come on Ev let’s go get lunch and then get ice cream! You deserve! Zoe and Alana are going to be so happy and you mom so proud!”

Evan felt his heart flutter and then he froze. Finally managing to put together how he felt about Conner. Evan Platt Hansen was completely at utterly in love with one Conner Faist Murphy and that was a fact.

~present day~
Jarred from his thoughts by Jared brushing up against him. Evan felt his best friend lean into him.

“Your taking Conner’s cloths off with your eyes again and looking at that girl dancing with him like she told you your mother died. Go up there and tell him how you feel!”

“I c-can’t d-do t-th-that Jared! Yo-you kn-know t-that!”

Evan tries to sound mad but he can’t. After all he is Evan he didn’t get mad. Rolling his eyes Jared put his hands on his hips and stared talking again.

“One day Evan! I will give you one day to tell Conner how you feel. If you do not. I will take matters into my own hands!”

Jared’s tone was not harsh per say but it had that no nonsense tone to it. Evan wasn’t quite sure why Jared had that tone because he knew that Evan knew he would do it. No tone necessary. Zoe and Alana thankfully noticing his distressed look had made there way over.

“Is Jared being a moron Evan? Don’t listen to him why don’t you go and talk with my brother?”

Zoe kindly asked him but Evan knew she and Alana where going to have words with Jared. Taking a deep breath Evan braced himself and walked over to Jared. Hearing Jared say.

“Damnit Alana that fucking hurt! Zoe control your girlfriend!”

Feeling a genuine smile grave his lips Evan shook his head. Who would have thought that a teen with some serious anxiety would have three…. four really good friend. Evan hastily reminded himself when his brain tried to put Conner in the boyfriend section. Evan’s day plummeted when he heard the girl dancing with Conner mention him.

“Why don’t you just stop hanging out with Evan, Con. Everybody thinks your dating. I know you feel pity but it has to stop. I mean everybody knows how pathetic Evan is.”

Evan didn’t even stick around to hear Conner’s response before he was bolting from the club. With it feeling far to stifling for how taste. Bolting into the street he cried when he realized he had came with Jared. Shaking Evan bolted down the street. To end the already terrible night. It started raining. Wailing Evan tripped over himself to get home. Fumbling for his keys Evan cried harder. His mother thankfully opened the door. Half a sleep she woke up when she saw Evan’s distressed face. Eyes softening she pulled him into a hug and coaxed him inside. Soft words of comfort leaving her lips that only a mother could share.

After awhile and several cups of hot chocolate later. Evan was out of his soaked cloths and fast a sleep on the couch. When she was sure her son was a sleep Heidi’s face changed to snarl. She was going to kill Conner Murphy! Assuming his mother didn’t get to him first that is. Heidi was generally a pretty cool person but when you hurt her baby boy? All hell would break loss and she would destroy you. Picking up get phone she called Cynthia Murphy.

“Heidi? What is the matter? Are the kids alright?!”

“Conner made Evan cry. Do you have any idea why? I am not accusing you of anything but I would like to know why my son ran home soaked from the rain. Saying Conner’s name over and over.”

Cynthia was quite for the longest time before she spoke. When she did it was frigid.

“I have no clue why Heidi but I assure you I will find out and Conner will be in major trouble. Please tell Evan to feel better and I will try to come over.”

“Thank you.”

Heidi found herself murmuring back to the other woman. The worry of her son crashing into her like a wave.

“It is no problem Heidi. Get some rest you and Evan will need it.”

“Of course good night.”

“Good night you and Evan stay safe.”

Hanging up Heidi rested her head on top of her son and feel into a restless nights sleep. Her baby boys breathing finally calm and eased. Mother and son slept through the night both in each other’s comforting embrace.

Conner watched on in mute horror when he saw Evan flee after Amy’s comments. He wanted to be mad at her and scream but he couldn’t. Worry for Evan the main concern for him right now.

Oh dear God Evan! The boy who managed to worm his way into Conner’s heart. Who made Conner bond with his family and actually get friends. Evan his first true friend who was not his sister. Evan who Conner had full intentions of asking out tonight before Amy stepped in. Conner had gotten Alana, Zoe and Hell, even Jared recruited to help him. Until some damn brunette who felt like she had a chance with Conner again ruined it! Conner didn’t even need to turn to her know because Alana had slapped Amy across the face. Raging at her for what she said about Evan and how she was going to make Amy’s life hell. Jared and Zoe chiming in what they thought every so often.

Jumping when he felt Jared touch his shoulder. He half expected it to be Zoe and braced himself to restrain from punching Jared.

“Go after him Conner. Evan really does like you. Me and the ladies will deal with this woman!”

“Your not an idiot when it comes to helping your friends are you?”

Smirking Jared slightly shrugged his shoulders.

“Go Prince Charming! Go after your Cinderella!”

Maybe Conner had spoken to soon about Jared not being an idiot. However, the damn idiot did have a point. Conner had to find Evan! Running down the street Conner searched for Evan before heading to Evan’s house. Stopping outside the door Conner awkwardly held the stuffed tree in his hands. He had wanted to get flowers but what flower shop was open at 11 at night on a Friday nonetheless? None not in Conner’s experience at least. That and he had no clue what flower who would have gotten Evan. After all Evan was the botanist out of all of them. He knew flowers and there meanings perfectly. Maybe Conner was biased but Evan was good at knowing plants. Heidi opened the door and rounded on him.

“Get off my damn porch! Now!”

So she had heard what happened. Holding the bear up as a peace offering she glared at him suspiciously.

“Please Mrs.Hansen. I need to talk to Evan there was misunderstanding I love him!”

Her eyes softened but she was still tense.

“Fifteen minute Conner! That’s that! And if he starts crying all bets are off!”

Nodding his head Conner agreed to the terms. Only a few woman scared him when he was mad. His sister, his mother and his grandmothers. To name a few but Heidi Hansen was quickly making her way on the list. Stopping at how peaceful Evan looked. Conner pushed Evan’s hair out of his face. Evan looked so peaceful and even more beautiful then Conner believed possible.

Blearily Evan looked up a froze in terror.

“Shh… Evan. Amy is a moron. I will not leave actually.”

Pausing Conner swallowed thickly and pushed the tree plush into Evan’s hand.

“Look I understand if you want me to leave but.. but I love you. I should get going know before your mother kills me.”

Leaning forward Evan captured Conner’s lips into a kiss. Conner froze before gently pulling Evan forward to him. After awhile the broke apart for air. Heads pressed together in comfortable silence. Evan curled up into Conner and the tree plush was thrown to the side. Evan murmured something.

“Conner… I-I love you to. I d-d-don’t know when it started but I love you. I just realized when it was different the way I felt around you.”

“Shh.. shhh. Evan it is okay we will talk later let’s just sleep please. Shh.”

Nodding his head Evan feel back to sleep. Feeling a sequel stuck in her throat. Heidi looked on to the two boys. Thrilled that they had found each other. Cynthia had called her and told her what Zoe, Heidi and Jared had told them about the event. Pulling out her phone she snapped several pictures of the two boys. Sending them all to Cynthia who had responded with a happy face emoji. Oh Conner and Evan still had several battles to fight and hills to climb but they had there friends with them. As boyfriend and Zoe, Alana and Jared who would not let them got through this alone. Right now that was all a mother could ask for.

A/N: So that started out more angsty than I would have liked. Besides that I am thrilled with it. If you have any questions PM. Like I said to the wonderful connerxxmurphy. Also
#sappyprompts. Should I play around with this more or what? Love you all. You are the greatest!

anonymous asked:

Use this pleasseee I would die 'I'm sorry he broke your heart' xx

I’m sorry he broke your heart

“Fuck sake, y/n! I’m sorry he broke your heart” Shawn yelled at you.

He wasn’t mad, it wasn’t anger working him up, but you weren’t sure what did. He sighted heavily, before letting his eyes gaze over at you.

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cshoup1111  asked:

Why do we seek approval from those who want absolutely nothing to do with us, yet the ones who care the most and have always been there for us, we seem to push away. We put the ones who could care less about us on a pedistal and the ones who care the most about us on the back burner. WHY?! Just a thought.

Fear of closeness. People you love hurt you when you were young and you learned that when you get close to people, they hurt you. It’s a way to avoid all that. But we have to UN-learn pushing everyone away because it’s only hurting ourselves in the end! You try to avoid the pain of being close by isolating yourself and in the end you end up causing yourself even more pain.

Don’t push away the people who truly care about you, because one day, you will push them away, and they won’t come back.


Season 1 Episode 3 is when I decided I didn’t like Alex much.

She just spends an awful lot of time telling Hamish what he’s doing wrong and assuming the worst of him, particularly in this episode. She assumes he needs money when he’s trying to tell her about her dad’s money troubles (while she talks about her “allowance,” btw, spoiled little rich girl), she assumes he wants her to give up writing and come marry him and be his housewife (something he’s never said and when he did talk about her coming back it was so he could “support” her until she “made her mark.”).

But the big one comes when she accuses him of pushing away the people who care about him - TV John is her example. Considering that Hamish spends the entire episode trying to make John tell him what’s wrong, trying to get John to let him help, trying to keep John from getting embroiled in his and the Major’s rapidly escalating insurance scam, and also considering that Alex has no fucking clue what’s actually going on, that’s pretty rich.

Cold (Michael imagine)

Word Count: 1.3k

A/N: This is for @felicityash and @calgasms‘s pregnancy!5sos blurb night :-)

Originally posted by sexycliffconda

Masterlist | Have any feedback?

You’ve been on edge all day; always moving, never sitting still. It’s as if every cell on your body is on fire, screaming out at you to do something to cool it down. 

Ever since this morning you’ve been worried sick, your stomach turning at the thought of confronting Michael with this bombshell. You don’t know how he’ll take it as, considering it’s a surprise for you, you can only imagine the horrors that’ll go down when you inform him of your pregnancy.

With a sigh, you grab your bag and take a final sip of coffee, the bitter taste sticking to your tongue.

The drive to Michael’s apartment takes around twenty minutes. You didn’t bother to drop him a text warning him of your visit because you know his routine well enough to be sure that he’ll be in the middle of what he likes to call his ‘afternoon power snooze’.

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Molly sees, observes...and speaks

This is my answer to the frustrating fact that John is demanding that Molly keep Rosie away from Sherlock as of the end of the first ep. I hate it and I want it to be resolved asap. And this is how I’d LOVE for it to happen.

Molly sat there on the couch bouncing her leg a little and wringing her hands every so often as she mulled over the feelings and words that were swimming in her brain. She jumped a little when John unlocked and came walking through the door.

“Hey,” he muttered quickly as he hung up his jacket. “Thanks again, I know this was short notice. But it’s been crazy with all the legal rubbish and at the same time trying to take some patients-” He paused when he got a look at Molly. “What’s wrong?”

Molly didn’t answer as she stood from the couch.

“Molly, what’s wrong?” John demanded more loudly. “Where’s Rosie? What’s the matter?”

“She’s fine, John!” Molly quickly clarified. “She’s sleeping for the night, don’t worry.”

He released a breath of relief. “Well then what is it? Why do you look like that”?

Molly shook her head slowly. “I just- I can’t do this anymore.”

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anonymous asked:

Do you ship Elsanna? :)

Oh boy, I’ve been dreading receiving this message and I guess the time has finally come for me to voice my opinion on the ship. So please bear with me as I write out my full explanation so I don’t leave you with a yes or a no. 

My parents got divorced when I was 6 years old. My little brother, Jack, was 4 at the time. Picture me as young Elsa and my little brother as a very impressionable, adorable 4 year old male Anna. Neither Jack nor I knew what the word divorce meant or what the impact of a split household would be. We did not understand that it would mean half hour car rides every friday, nor did we know that it meant words would be wielded as weapons of a war fought between the two halves that made us whole with us as the treasure to be won. I knew so little about what it all meant. I didn’t know what it meant for my future or for how I’d be affected. But, for as little as I knew, Jack knew less. Without any warning, I was handed a burden - take care of him. Help him when he cries. Be there when he is afraid. Tell him, no matter what you feel inside, that everything is going to be okay. Conceal. Don’t feel. Don’t let it show. 

I can’t begin to explain the wedge that this burden drove into our relationship as I tried to carry the weight of the divorce on my shoulders and shield him from the harsh words thrown so effortlessly of the tongues that I admired. I spent my time alone for in solitude I could cry without him seeing - without begging the question “What is wrong?” I was the big sister. I loved him, even when I didn’t know it. I needed to protect him from the hurt as best as I could. And so I did. 

I alienated myself because that was when I felt safe, like I was able to put down my guard. It’s funny how distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me? Well they couldn’t get to me at all. I was able to be free of the stress and burden of trying to shield Jack constantly. But, in the isolation I found myself, I also had begun to push away the one person who I’d cared for more than anyone in my entire life. Countless times throughout the years Jack would invite me out to play and when I was very young, I’d go happily but as I aged, it became far less often until it basically stopped. 

It took until I was about 15-16, during the transition between sophomore to junior year, that I finally began to open back up to the world and to Jack. He was my brother, my best friend from the beginning until the end. We only had each other when it came down to it. Every car ride, every time he called me into his room to tell me about the horrendously scary movie he watched (particularly the one about the spiders), every time we fought, every time we laughed - it was always the two of us. 

I can’t express how thankful I am to know that my brother is who he is and I cannot begin to tell you all how wonderful it is to know that I have the greatest friend anyone can ever have in the fat headed kid that entered my life when I was a toddler. 

So, you may ask yourself, why does this relate at all to me shipping Elsanna? It has everything to do with it.

While I don’t like to shoot down anyone’s ships, as it is not my place to judge what brings people to see certain things, I do not ship Elsanna in any romantic way. Elsa loves Anna more than anything in the world and Anna feels the same toward Elsa. But it is not romance. No. 

To me, Elsanna is a ship that comes out of a common “western” misunderstanding for what love is. Love is not the desire to kiss, to fondle, to touch. No, love, in my mind, is simple, and I’m going to let my darling Olaf put it best (in my very quickly and poorly made gif):

Elsa and Anna’s love for each other goes beyond the reaches of the flucuating romantic love that they have been forced into by this ship. It goes beyond a need for erotic connection. What they have is a love that is the most important - the love of a sibling for a sibling. The love of a family. The love that pushes someone to sacrifice their well being for someone else. 

To me, Elsanna is a ship that degrades the true meaning of this love - a love that I understand in my relationship with my brother. I saw all of my relationship with my brother in Frozen, every hardship, every tear, and every moment of happiness and realization that we’d never be alone as long as we had each other. To me, it is almost insulting to believe that people cannot see familial love as a true form of love, because it is the only love that I have ever truly seen in my 19 years and it is the love that I will take with me to my grave. 

In short, no, I do not ship Elsanna.