purposely saying no just to irk me

even saying i ‘self-diagnosed’ irks me. because it doesn’t communicate in any way what happened. 

which was that i went through my entire life being fucking autistic as shit but nobody knew, so i thought i was a fundamentally worthless and awful person. there was no explanation for the things i did e.g. meltdowns and the things i couldn’t do e.g. function. basically at all. so i thought that i must just have been…not trying hard enough? or being shitty on purpose? 

like i’d be 15 years old lying on the floor in an empty house screaming uncontrollably for an hour that felt like 10 minutes and in the back of my mind i’d think “you probably could have not done that.” 

my parents would be begging me to tell them what’s wrong when i’m upset and i’d sit there choking and aching to get the words out, thinking “you could probably talk right now if you tried a bit harder.” 

i’d fucking humiliate myself by shutting down in the middle of the schoolyard and only being able to get out of it six hours later and having no way to explain or justify my ‘behaviour’ to anyone including myself

‘self diagnosing’ was a process of reading about autism for hours and hours and days and months going HOLY SHIT. THAT’S WHAT THAT WAS. THAT THING THAT MADE ME HATE MYSELF AND WISH NO-ONE CARED ABOUT ME SO I COULDN’T HURT THEM WITH MY ‘INSANE’ BEHAVIOUR. IT HAS A NAME. AND REASONS. AND EVEN FUCKING STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH IT. MY LIFE TO THIS DATE FUCKING. MAKES. SENSE.

that is ‘self-diagnosis.’ nobody ‘self-diagnoses’ for the fun of it. some NT people throw around the terms, like “i like listening to songs over and over, i’m so autistic” but you don’t hear them saying “i sometimes don’t become aware that i need to go to the bathroom until the very last second and i have a lot of issues prioritising that information and dealing with it in a timely manner so i’m frequently incontinent, often in public, lol i’m so autistic.” just as an example. i mean, would it be so hard for you anti-self-dx crusaders to listen to what self dxers are saying? because what they tend to be saying is not a glamorised or lightened version of autism, nor does it tend to be different in any way from the things that pro-dxed autistic people write. same goes for mental illnesses. k? sermon over.

Mika Shimotsuki thoughts

A somewhat reply, but really an add-on of my thoughts to this post about the hate towards Mika Shimotsuki.

Ok, so  I agree with the post 100% and would like to add a point I haven’t seen being brought up so far (then again I haven’t stalked the tags except after ep 9). 

So my main point overall that isn’t a repetition of what I have seen so far is Mika’s fear.

WARNING: Spoilers for those who haven’t watched it or gone on the wiki. Also a long ass post with intruding pictures.

So as has been said already, Mika had a horrible experience in which her best friends were killed by a latent criminal and to the best of my memory, even though she warned (at least one of) them about said latent criminal. 

Rikako Oryo everyone, not the best introduction to a latent criminal ESPECIALLY if you have that gut feeling that something isn’t right with them that culminates into your best friends being killed. Yes. Therefore her hatred of latent criminals is completely and utterly justified.

Her subsequent attachment to Yayoi is no surprise however considering Yayoi was the one who comforted her after she learnt about the deaths of her friends and continues to comfort her as an inspector. Not to mention her blatant attraction and respect and the fact that Yayoi saved her life.

So this all explains a) her hatred for latent criminals and b) why Yayoi is the exception. (Though really this should all be obvious by now)

Now to my point I feel hasn’t been addressed yet (and if it has then I haven’t seen it).

Mika’s Fear.

So reading posts and looking at gifs and all after ep 9 (because somehow I missed half of ep 8 watching it the first time) I realised there is plain ignorance and blind hatred in the comments about Mika. 

Yes, she’s a bitch who hates (strongly dislikes?) Akane but well, bitchiness towards Akane and almost all of the enforcers aside she’s somewhat justified in the way she views her sempai. At least in her eyes. Akane represents something Mika, for the life of her cannot understand. 

Why does this woman treat latent criminals so well (like human beings instead of the monsters they are)? Why isn’t she following the rules? Why is she so dismissive and gung-ho about her own ways of doing things? Why does the Chief let her run free?

These are just some of the questions I think run through Mika’s mind. Akane Tsunemori is an existence she can’t understand, and you all know what they say happens when someone can’t understand something. They either fear or hate it or ignore its existence. Three guesses as to what Mika’s doing. Well actually I believe it’s a mix of the first and last points.

Moving on, I also sincerely believe that Mika is trying to push Akane onto what she see’s as the right path. Or at the very least, prevent her sempai from becoming a latent criminal by telling her to stop what the fuck she is doing. Mika doesn’t understand current Akane (and you just need to look at her talk with Gino as my back-up to this point) and so she dislikes her and goes against her, but she also wants the inspector to well, become better. Follow the rules. I feel this is a sentiment buried underneath her dislike but it’s still there.

But back to my mention of ignorance regarding Mika after ep 9. 

Mika.

Is.

Absolutely.

Fucking.

Terrified.

Like really guys? REALLY? People are going to LAUGH at that? And then go on to say, ‘why the hell doesn’t she tell Akane?’ or ‘she needs to get her priorities straight’. Like, no really, my mind is reeling. I don’t get it. 

Because:

1. FEAR IS THE BEST MOTIVATOR TO CONTROL SOMEONE’S ACTIONS.

2. Mika is terrified at the end of ep 8 and start of 9; terrified of the Sybil System (because Chief is Sybil) but more immediately of Tougane who happens to be a latent criminal of which she hates so much AND is backed by the utmost authority in their whole society.

3. She is told the truth of the Sibyl System and basically threatened by the Sibyl System itself that she is way out of line. And YES, Tougane counts as the Sibyl System, rather an extension of it considering the Chief supports each and every one of his decisions and actions. 

4. She doesn’t like Akane because she doesn’t understand her.

5. She has been brought up in a society where the Sibyl System is your judge, jury and executioner and has basically been indoctrinated into this system of ideals and beliefs. (Consider the Chief calling her a model citizen)

6. And finally she is still young, inexperienced, confused and just in case it isn’t clear terrified. Her habit of making bad decisions is all due to her past experiences but well ‘people make bad choices if they’re mad or scared or stressed’ and removing it from fluffy context, I believe this wholly applies to Mika starting from the death of her best friends.

Now, with these points how the hell do you expect this woman to just up and tell Akane?!!!!! If I were Mika, I would be feeling like there was an impenetrable wall in front of me that I can in no way get past. 

See this? This is basically a visual representation of her being held back by fear of acting out on her own against the absolute word of authority aka Chief Kasei. Even if she is faced with a horrible situation. And this is all before the encounter in ep 8. So imagine how unwilling she would be to act on her own now. It’s almost at unfathomable levels. But I will agree it also doesn’t help that she’s not sympathetic to Akane’s ideals in the first place.

As a summary though:

  1. Mika has been through a horrible experience regarding latent criminals so her hate is justified.
  2. She is now terrified of Tougane and the Chief (and effectively leashed by them)
  3. She is basically a model citizen, indoctrinated with the belief that the Sibyl System is all that is good in the world. Therefore going against that is unthinkable.
  4. She’s just a young woman who is way out of her depth here.

Just for some little thoughts though, didn’t we all feel sorry for Mika in season 1? And if you say you didn’t then I’m gonna call you out on your bullshit. She’s been through harrowing ordeals and to say that she deserves what she is going through? And deserves it because of her antagonistic actions towards Akane?

Not. Ok. 

Not ok in the slightest. Also for all those who bring Kougami or Akane into it. Just consider Akane’s attitude towards Mika isn’t reflective of the fandoms in any way. And what would Kougami do? I don’t believe Ko would say she deserved it, not in the slightest. Plus he knows firsthand what the effects of someone close to you getting killed can do to a person. Ko is probably the one person who can understand what is going through Mika’s mind. Because a) Both their close ones were killed in a similar way and b) They were/are guilt ridden and driven to a purpose because of it. Ko was driven to catch Makishima and Mika to become an inspector.

Also consider how she’s basically the new Gino but much more hateful and proactive about it. And no, I wasn’t instantly head over heels for Gino, in fact I was expecting to but his attitude irked me and it continued until he developed. I was already far too taken by Makishima and Kougami anyway.

Now, I won’t say I am a number one fan of Mika’s. Her attitude towards Akane annoys me still but just like Gino’s character developed I believe that Mika’s will too and am honestly excited for it. We just need to remember that she is the way she is because of a traumatising past and is unfortunately not a better person (in our eyes anyway) because of it but she can and she will grow.

(I’m also curious to see if any of you disagree with me about my speculations of her and why; mainly regarding the part about her wanting to better Akane and what Kougami would think)