even saying i ‘self-diagnosed’ irks me. because it doesn’t communicate in any way what happened.
which was that i went through my entire life being fucking autistic as shit but nobody knew, so i thought i was a fundamentally worthless and awful person. there was no explanation for the things i did e.g. meltdowns and the things i couldn’t do e.g. function. basically at all. so i thought that i must just have been…not trying hard enough? or being shitty on purpose?
like i’d be 15 years old lying on the floor in an empty house screaming uncontrollably for an hour that felt like 10 minutes and in the back of my mind i’d think “you probably could have not done that.”
my parents would be begging me to tell them what’s wrong when i’m upset and i’d sit there choking and aching to get the words out, thinking “you could probably talk right now if you tried a bit harder.”
i’d fucking humiliate myself by shutting down in the middle of the schoolyard and only being able to get out of it six hours later and having no way to explain or justify my ‘behaviour’ to anyone including myself
‘self diagnosing’ was a process of reading about autism for hours and hours and days and months going HOLY SHIT. THAT’S WHAT THAT WAS. THAT THING THAT MADE ME HATE MYSELF AND WISH NO-ONE CARED ABOUT ME SO I COULDN’T HURT THEM WITH MY ‘INSANE’ BEHAVIOUR. IT HAS A NAME. AND REASONS. AND EVEN FUCKING STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH IT. MY LIFE TO THIS DATE FUCKING. MAKES. SENSE.
that is ‘self-diagnosis.’ nobody ‘self-diagnoses’ for the fun of it. some NT people throw around the terms, like “i like listening to songs over and over, i’m so autistic” but you don’t hear them saying “i sometimes don’t become aware that i need to go to the bathroom until the very last second and i have a lot of issues prioritising that information and dealing with it in a timely manner so i’m frequently incontinent, often in public, lol i’m so autistic.” just as an example. i mean, would it be so hard for you anti-self-dx crusaders to listen to what self dxers are saying? because what they tend to be saying is not a glamorised or lightened version of autism, nor does it tend to be different in any way from the things that pro-dxed autistic people write. same goes for mental illnesses. k? sermon over.