It's been a year since we became official

And I’m still in love with you. I know I’m young and I shouldn’t be using “love” or especially “in love” but lemme tell you, when we admitted that like less than a month ago before you went to the hospital, that was the best most amazing feeling. I’m not exaggerating one bit and I can still remember your smile and how big it was when I told you and how we both just couldn’t stop smiling. That was the best. I’m sorry I tried hiding my feelings for you and tried to be all cool and shit, while you did your best to express your feelings to me.. That still haunts me and reminds me of how selfish I was for your attention, which was weird cause whenever I gave you attention you wouldn’t give me as much but if I didn’t give you as much you’d give me your all. I’m so selfish and I just wanted you all for myself. I’m sorry I got mad Sunday cause you couldn’t hang out. For some reason I was really upset that I couldn’t see you Sunday and I didn’t know why. Turned out you went to the hospital Monday night.. A coincidence? Along with the you passing on the same day “20th”? Maybe no, maybe so.. But I’ll always keep you in my heart Nathan, no matter what. I’m doing my best to have fun and keep smiling for you and so is everyone else! Everyone misses you so much. You never leave my mind.. I’ll do my best to make up for the stuff I promised you or you got mad or upset at me for. Sorry it had to be now that I made it up. I really wish we could’ve spent this day together. They day you asked me out, we watched part one of the last Harry Potter movie LOL, and I wanted to watch part two for a year. I’ll just watch it for you on my own.. I love you Nathan. I love you Ash. I love you boyprennnn. Aha, I love you and your scent, smile, eyes, personality, hair omg your haaaairrr, love the way our hands perfectly intertwine, and the little bump behind your ear, and the way you looked at me after we kissed, and your 30 missed calls and non-stop calling everyday which annoyed me but I secretly loved, you know what? I’ll make a freaking list. Love you babe, and I hope you’re having fun up there:)

Things I love about you.

Remember when I promised I’d make you a list of 20 things I loved about you?

Sorry if it exceeds, I’ll do my best not to.

1) The way your right mole was closer to your eye than your left

2) The way you’d pet my head randomly cause you knew I loved that

3) The way you always smell like fresh laundry

4) Your countless phone calls and sleeping on the phone

5) How you knew how to make me study or do my homework

6) How you manage to keep a social life, watch hundreds of episodes of anime, and know all your pokemon and their stats. loser <3

7) How happy you were when I secretly let you beat me at thumb wrestling

8) How you’re the reason I got into tumblr

9) How your favorite color is referenced from pokemon

10) How you know little details about me that I do my best to hide

11) How I’d try to cook for you and I failed so you’d come along

12) How loving you were towards your friends and family

13) How you can fit in my laundry box in my closet LOL

14) How you’re a “vampire" 

15) How thoughtful and grateful you are

16) How positive you can be

17) That look you give me after you kiss me

18) Your WTF look LOL

19) Your taste and perspective on life

20) Everything.

Please be okay Nathan.

Isaac and Steph say that it’s alright, and you somehow always make it through, but what if you actually don’t? Yes these are very negative thoughts but they’re also very realistic. My phone rung right in the middle of a test I was taking after school and I totally bs’d the rest of it just so I could answer you and turned out it was your brother. I was incredibly anxious to hear your voice, but I’m lucky enough to hear one of your family members telling me what was going on. I love you so much and I don’t and never want anything to happen to you. ICU IS BIG SHIT. I swear, even though it’s only been a day so far, I’m breaking apart. It’s so hard to smile, you’re all I ever think about and I can’t even concentrate on my studies. I’m sorry for being so mean to you, for being so rude, being such a jerk. I’m so self-centered and greedy and I can never find anyone as special as you. I love you with all my heart, even though I don’t like admitting it, you’re the person I would choose over everything. You’ve changed my life and nobody AND NOBODY’S gonna ever replace the huge spot you’ve taken in my heart. I love you ash. You know how you always think I’m ashamed of being seen with you or something? WELL I DON’T GIVE A SHIT IF EVERYONE SEES THIS. All I want is for you to be safe and happy.