puns-that-kill

Fanon Lotor be like

i am not even sorry just take this

I just had a job interview and the guy was looking over my resume and he was like “oh sign language?” and I was like “yeah my dad’s side of the family is deaf so I grew up with it” and he said “oh cool my son is hard of hearing so we are learning sign language” and I was like “yeP ITS PRETTY HANDY” AND I DIDN’T REALIZE THE DAMAGE I HAD DONE UNTIL IT WAS ALREADY TOO LATE NOW I’LL NEVER HAVE A JOB

Various Quotes from Out Pathfinder Game

I didn’t want to spam (well, spam anymore), so here’s a collection of our three-year-long-campaign party’s OOC best. Presented mostly without context, all of these were made by a variety of all of the players in the game, including myself (I’m the Human Sorcerer, in case anybody is wondering). 

Half Orc Fighter: *does 42 damage with an axe* “Also, last time we spoke, I forgot to AXE you a question!”

DM: If I’d known it would take Star Trek to unify the party, I would have introduced it in session one!

Sorcerer: So do we sail the ship now?“

DM: No! Everyone’s confused, everyone dies!

Party: *Kills undead (again)*

Half Orc Fighter: Well i guess we made no BONES about that. 

DM: You try to say that but you just cough up blood

Player: I don’t think dinosaurs CAN swim, can they?

DM: The dinosaur has a +8 to swim, actually

Elven Bard: Sometimes you best you can do with a spell is protect allies,

Human Sorcerer: And Sometimes you need to Dimension Door the f*** out

Human Sorcerer: I’m going to roll Intimidate*…. [Elf Bard], I hope that’s a laugh of happiness.

   * I have a +10 on intimdiate ffs. 

Half Orc Fighter: Can i give [Human Rogue] a potion of You’re An Idiot?”

DM: to MAKE him an idiot, or to give intelligence?

Half Orc Fighter: To make him aware he’s an idiot!

Human Rogue: I’m sorry; there is no magic strong enough to make Dirk aware of his own idiocy.

Half Orc Fighter: I’m gonna smash the door open.

DM: What?! It has a doorknob!

Half Orc Fighter: …I’m gonna smash the door open.

Human Rogue: *Is under fear effect*

Human Sorcerer: *Gets a crit, does 70 dmg with one spell, and marches over to rogue* GET. UP.

DM: Gives him a Will ave Roll just for that. 

Human Rogue: *passes, loses fear effect*

And last but not least… 

Things the party should probably try to forget less: We have an enchanted stone griffon that turns into a real one when you say it’s name and would’ve been very useful to remember this entire goddamn three year long campaign. 1