punches his face

anonymous asked:

I literally cannot watch any of these sdcc interview vids without getting mad at crisp because he always has something dumb to say

Honestly I thought he was bad before but since that homophobic joke of his I hope he fucking chokes. I can’t even look at photos of him without wanting to punch his uglyass face. I genuinely hate him.

Draco Malfoy Crush Headcanons

Masterlist


Gryffindor Reader


- Omg people would totally ship you two as the love/hate relationship and/or the sexual tension relationship

- Cliche, but start off as total rivals

- If you played Quiddich you would make it your top priority to always distract Draco

- Shameless teasing tho??

- “Hey Malfoy, nice ass”

- ///blushblushblush “Excuse me?!”

- “You heard me!”

- Shameless catcalling purposely in front of everyone including Snape and his friends

- But one day you are genuinely upset and on the verge of tears but you, being stubborn, refuse to cry in front of him

- “Didn’t you hear me?! Go away, Malfoy!”

- Offers you a handkerchief, an awkward hug, and sweets

- A messy, tear stained and shaky smile

- “Since when did you go soft, Malfoy?”

- “I should be asking you the same thing, (Last Name)

- So obviously you two are pretty close friends now

- He can basically trust you with anything so he comes to you when he has problems

- But both of you are extremely stubborn so usually the other person will have to confront the other about their notice in their change of attitude

- You having to confess first

- He’d totally try to confess but end up getting too nervous and backing away

- “Hey Malfoy, you be interested in going to Hogsmeade this weekend?”

-//smirksmirk “You wouldn’t be asking me out, would you?”

-”Pffftttt as if????”

- You totally were asking him out

- He said yes in the most teasing way with a signature smirk

- You were very proud of your relationship because there was no denying Draco was just hot

- But like he was a complete sweetie

- If you were sick he would always freak out and if he saw you were struggling in classes he would discreetly leave you his study notes in the most unexpected ways like “accidentally” mixing his 100% amazing notes up with your slightly pitiful ones

- And ugh he was just an amazing partner to have???


Slytherin Reader


- Not gonna lie you two were already friends

- Like you would gang up on people you shared a hatred for always

- Sometimes people would even avoid you two in fear of being completely roasted™

- It was like “o shit here they come rUN BITCH RUN N Y O O M

 - But no seriously you two would diss whoever and whatever if they got on your nerves 

- And obviously he would ask you to the Yule Ball

-“You’re asking me, Malfoy…?”

-“Of course. Who else would I ask? Parkinson?”

- And like whenever the two of you would enter the ballroom all eyes would immediately just turn to you two

- Because lets face it, the two of you could stop traffic 

- You would both sneak off after some stuff had died down in a dark and empty corridor 

- The two of you would just be chatting by a windowsill whenever out of nowhere he would just kiss you

- You were like talking about class or something and he would just press his lips against yours

- And you just melted

- Because you could feel how shaky and nervous he was

- But he was so gentle

- And omg you cuties

- Tbh no one is surprised when you enter the Great Hall hand in hand

- Blaise catcalls

- Pansy snarls

- Crabbe and Goyle don’t really care 

- But you and Draco are too absorbed in the little world that has formed around you to notice

Ravenclaw Reader

 

- The only reason he knew you is because you were the person who always just happened to score one or two points above him on every. single. assignment.

- Like he would be bragging in class about his grades when the teacher would speak up like 

-“Obviously I have the best test scores in here but that’s not surprise—“

-“aCTUALLY Mister Malfoy, Miss (Name) (Last Name) scored just one point above you…! So you’re wrong lol”

- And he would just be appalled

- And then he would basically track you down and discreetly ask about studying techniques

- And you’d just be like “So Mister “I scored one less point than someone” wants to hear about my studying techniques? I don’t think so, Second Place.”

- He’d do an unintentional dramatic gasp and like press an offended hand to his chest

- And you’d just walk away with the most smug smirk ever

- After that incident he’d badmouth you almost as much as he badmouthed Potter

- Almost

- Because after doing some “researching” (snooping) and learning more about you from observations and sources he’d find out that you’re actually really intriguing 

- And he might have had the smallest, tiniest crush on you

 - But he’d deny it of course

-the little bastard

- But like he actually finds the small things you do entertaining

- For example, he might have ‘accidentally’ showed up at the library every day you did and just happen to notice how you would play with your hair or doodle whenever you studied 

- One day, he discreetly bumped into you playing it off as he was too busy reading

- You decided not to tell him that his book was upside down

-“Oh, watch where you’re going… Anyways, if you’re here, mind helping me with this subject?”

-“Draco Malfoy? Asking for help? Who would have known?”

- But you did end up helping him 

- And after taking multiple deep breaths, he finally got the courage to ask you out

- And you told him “maybe if you can score higher than me on the next potions test”

-gUESS WHO STUDIED THEIR ASS OFF

-MALFOY DID


 Hufflepuff Reader

 - Tbh he had no idea who you were

 - And honestly he didn’t even care

- But that all changed when this happened

- So you were focusing on anything other than him while walking down the hallway,

- And accidentally you bump into him

- All of your stuff falls to the ground

- And he just shoots you a nasty glare and continues walking

- You are simply picking up your things when you hear “Lousy Hufflepuffs. Can’t do anything. No wonder that Diggory died. As if a Hufflepuff is brave enough to enter that tournament and come out alive.”

- You stop dead in your tracks. “What did you just say..?”

- He turns back to you with a scoff 

- You run up in front of him and get in his face. “What the hell did you just say?! Tell me!” 

-”I said that all of you Hufflepuffs are weak and pathetic. Diggory never had what it took to enter the-”

- But he was cut off by a punch to the face. His nose was bleeding

-”Don’t you ever start saying shit like that when you, yourself, will never be better than Cedric! At his worst, he is still better than you at your best. Maybe you should think about this before speaking unless you want to be bloodied by a “lousy” Hufflepuff again.”

- He is left in sh o ck

- From then on, whenever he sees you his entire face goes red and he hides himself

- Because maybe your courage and great left hook made him form a crush

-somehow

- He leaves a note on your desk which is from “your secret admirer” (cause he’s cheesy like that) telling you to meet him outside at night

- Your first reaction when you see him is not a positive one

- He explains that he only said that about Diggory is because he tries to look impressive in front of his friends (Which isn’t a lie) and that he sincerely apologizes and mourns for your House’s loss

- After some coaxing, he is forgiven 

- You sit and chat for a while and you are pleasantly surprised when you find out he’s actually pretty cool

-At the end of the night, he asks you on a date

- And with a hesitant yet bright smile, you accept

Out Of Context Critical Role Sentence Starters

“Seventeen! Puke on those fucking guards!“ 

 "I would like to buy your hair for a hundred gold pieces." 

 "You can’t walk off in the middle of hide-and-seek again! I’ve been in a barrel for an hour, I fell asleep in there!" 

 "I am a little evil magnet." 

 "Do you want to do a reach-around and see if you get a handful of wooden boob?" 

 "I show him my ass and I leave." 

 "I once saw him kill a man with his taint." 

 "I covered my hand in ink and, yeah…" 

 "My name is Burt Reynolds and that offends me." 

 "Your hands are just covered in piss now." 

 "I bury my shame." 

 "Don’t worry, I still have my lips." 

 "You realize that I was born to shove things in holes…" 

 "Vomit on those bitches." 

 "I’m the most wicked narwhal of all time!" 

 "Some people have no sense of FUCKING HONOR." 

 "You’ll leave when Burt Reynolds tells you to leave." 

 "Remember that time you killed a kid?" 

 "Turn around 180 degrees then run as fast as you can." 

 "I’m just sitting in the corner going HAHAHAHAHAA!" 

"The butt flap is down." 

 "It’s not sexual at all, I’m not attracted to you! Like literally if it happened I would be ill." 

 "Alright, I’ll whip it out again." 

 "Hey, _____. How much XP would _____ get for drowning an entire cargo hold of slave children?" 

 "What’s the term for when your penis is inverted?" 

 "Roses are red, violets are blue. We’re both gnomes and you are sooooo foxy.”

 "He smells of sandalwood. And dismissiveness.“ 

 "And my thoughts are still fuck you, no way, bye-bye." 

 "You’re right! He is no hollaback gnome." 

 "We don’t do anything with dignity!”

 ”_____’s lifeless corpse has a pool of urine around it.“ 

 "Nobody sweating more than is…you know necessary when being threatened by a big fuck-off dragon.“ 

 "Hit him in the arse!" 

 "Most of what I do is long and hard." 

 "I just got one of those terrible ideas I get on occasion." 

 "I died as I lived. Hard." 

 "I’m gonna dominate the guy in front." 

 "YOUR SOUL IS FORFEIT." 

 "Fancy fancy mustache that you cannot wipe off your face!" 

 "Hey, look! I found a hole!" 

 "Oh! I got hit with his dick!" 

 "I’ll just punch him in his dragon face." 

 "I’m going to stand over here and fail to stay in character." 

 "Nothing can go wrong. This is a great idea!" 

 "He was trying to corrupt my soul or whatever…but good luck with that." 

 "You were like a dick in a box." 

 "This probably isn’t a good idea but…whatever." 

 "Will you come check this hatch for boobies?”

3

Kandosii sa ka'rta, Vode An

TCW MEME: 9/12 Clones

Sergeant Slick

Here’s an unsolicited headcanon that literally nobody asked for:

I’m a big proponent of the idea that to make your relationship a healthy one, you’ve got to accept the fact that sometimes the person you love is going to be petty. Sometimes you’re going to be petty. We’re all petty sometimes.

But Viktor and Yuuri are petty in very different ways.

Viktor is petty in that he still says things like, “You just wouldn’t understand,” instead of trying to explain himself because that’s what he went so long doing. He also has a bad habit of taking it personally when Yuuri doesn’t comment positively on a new shirt or pair of pants. And, of course, like Yuuri and his Bad Tie, Viktor is constantly running a monologue under his breath about the bad fashion choices of those around him.

“Orange is not your color, honey,” Viktor mumbles under his breath, referring to a woman walking past them wearing an orange-paisley pantsuit.

Even Yuuri can agree that it’s hideous, but he’s not sure why Viktor feels the need to point it out. Someday, somehow, someone is going to hear him, and he’s going to have to talk a person out of punching his husband in the face.

“You did a spread in Teen Vogue where you wore safety-monitor-orange pants and a neon green shirt,” Yuuri tells him, remembering it vividly because it was horrible and awful but that didn’t stop fourteen-year-old Yuuri from keeping it shoved under his pillow for…purposes.

“Ugh,” is Viktor’s succinct reply.

Viktor being petty about fashion makes sense to Yuuri, though. In a weird sort of way.

Likewise, it makes sense to Viktor that Yuuri is petty about food.

See, this is a learning curve for Viktor because his Yuuri is a sweet, beautiful and loyal person but he would probably get into a physical fight with someone over his favorite foods? Like, the first time Viktor eats the last of Yuuri’s favorite frozen yogurt Yuuri won’t let him touch him when they go to bed. 

This is such an odd concept for Viktor because his whole life it’s been like, “Oh? You want some of my food? Yes, here!” If it will make someone happy, Viktor would forfeit his favorite part of any dish so that a person he loves could have a moment of joy.

Yuuri on the other hand, sometimes warily stares at Viktor for a full ten seconds before allowing him to reach in and grab a (Small, Viktor) handful of the chips he’s eating.

“We’re married,” Viktor pouts, munching slowly on the four (4) whole cheesy poofs Yuuri allowed him.

“And?” Yuuri says, staring with determination at the television.

“I promise to love and support–”

“I am loving and supporting you,” Yuuri says. “You’re not married to my cheesy poofs. They don’t have to.”

This is the point at which Viktor usually lunges for the bag, and the aforementioned physical fight usually happens. Yuuri and Viktor usually look up from the subsequent heavy petting session twenty minutes later to realize that Makkachin has eaten the remaining chips and is now walking around with the bag on his head, bumping into the walls.

2
like real people do p.2 | jungkook

summary: the feelings for your friends with benefits are changing. months pass, and you feel your gut telling you that you want more. you’re just not sure if he feels the same.

college student!reader, friends with benefits!jungkook

piece 1, piece 2, piece 3

this component is based off russ’s cherry hill

Keep reading

  • Harry: *glares*
  • Draco: *smiles sweetly*
  • Harry: *slams fist on the table* That's it! I'm going over and punching his stupid, pretty face in.
  • Ron: *not looking up from his breakfast* Why don't you just ask him out, mate?
  • Harry: Because...punching him would be easier.