punch our

How dan and phil probably broke up #41
  • Phil: *to dan* If I was an enzyme I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes ;))
Customer attacks employee, manager also gets arrested

We had a woman punch one of our employees because he was “not paying her enough attention when she needed help” and he fled to the back room and called the police. She continued shopping up until the police arrived. They viewed the CCTV footage and decided to arrest her for assault. 

Our manager was furious at my coworker for calling the police because he said it made the store look bad and upset other customers, and demanded he tell the police to stop the arrest. My coworker held his ground. The manager fired him on the spot and ran outside to the police and told them to release the woman. They refused, and some of them even laughed. My manager got mad and started yelling at the cops, and even yanked on the door of the car the woman was in. One of the officers asked him to leave, and he turned and SLAPPED THE COP ACROSS THE FACE.

So my manager got arrested too, for interfering with an arrest and assault on an officer, and he was fired by corporate. The new manager is much nicer, and he rehired my coworker.

A Half God with Daddy Issues

Some backstory: It was a homebrew campaign. We got finished fighting a Dragonborn who killed our half deity friend, Tristan. He was brought back to life by an NPC Priest, Kailee, later that night our half God visits her and…we didn’t expect what would happen next.

Tristan: “I need your help..”

Kailee: “Sure, what do you need?”

Tristan: “You brought me back from death once, right?”

Kailee: “Um…yes? Why do you need?”

Tristan OOC: I pull out my skinning knife. And hesitantly stab myself through the temple. 

Tristan: “I have to talk with my dad.”

DM: -Silence- 

DM, now Tristan’s Father: Hello My Son.

Tristan OOC: I punch him.

Our Party Erupted into laughter.

Our party (a half-elf bard, a half-elf ranger, and a human ex-paladin), is exploring its first dungeon in our first campaign. We’re fighting a trio of moving statues (one of whom is very angry because our ex-pally pissed on it earlier) plus their creator. One of the statues tries to punch our bard, who is usually a very sweet, hippie, New Age-y type lady.

DM: Roll to see if you can dodge

Bard: (rolls Nat 20) YES!

DM: …Okay, not only do you dodge, but you judo flip him and he’s going to take damage…

Bard: I’M FUCKING JESUS, BITCH!

Paladin (who is dating the Bard irl): Can I roll to fall in love with her?

DM: Sure?

Paladin: (rolls 18)

DM: Yeah, you’re fucking head over heels. Nothing else matters. Congratulations. You even get “lovespiration”

Bard: (rolls to see if she loves him back, just for fun) 12…

DM: Yeah, this guy is making weird eyes at you, and you think you might like it, but you’re not sure yet.

We then proceeded to have an arcane mecha fight with the rest of the enemies