The text message i sent to my first boyfriend. The person that took my virginity at 15 years of age. the first person that showed me how to live free and have fun.. And here we are 4 years later.
Please stay out of my life … You broke me. I havent been the same person since the day you told me we couldnt be together anymore.. I was 15 i thought you were the best thing on this planet… And For months even years i laid in bed every night and cried so hard to the point where i nearly threw up. Begging my friends to message you… My life revolved around you and you didnt care.. You just went out every night and got drunk and high while i was broken.. Then i met meth.. And it took away that pain and hollowness you gave me. Now im just a product of what comes from being a drug addict. I dont know any other way of life except the drug game. I only hang around users and dealers because its all i know. I cant get out of bed without a crackpipe. I dont feel normal if im sober. Im nothing anymore… You dont need me in your life you never did. 4 failed attempts at rehab, 6 overdoses on meth, 3 overdoses on ghb, 2 overdoses on valium (in attempt to take my own life) im not zozo anymore. Im different. I dont trust anyone therefore im distant and not a very nice person… Im diognosed with depression and severe anxiety oh i forgot to mention the multiple trips to the hosptial because of my anxiety when im too high and the paranoia and aggitation kicks in and i just wanna smash everything. my life was over the first time sauncz put a pipe to my lips and lit it for me. Im scared lost unhappy. Im screaming for help but no one hears me they just smoke another pipe.. they are like me.. When things get hard or they are stressed they have a pipe. To escape this fucked up reality… To block out all my real emotions. To block out the picture in my head of my mums face when shes crying begging me to stop the drugs and to stop ruining such a beautiul little girls life… I need to get away forever. From meth from these fucked up people from the junkys and the theives. I just want help i want someone to tell me its all going to be okay and that this phase of life will pass and ill be able to get off meth… But i dont think thats ever going to happen. Not until im dead somewhere filthy from constant everyday puffing… Maybe this is what was suppose to happen to me… I was such a good nice kid… Caring loving .. I still am caring.. Thats what my problem is. I care to much and im always putting other people first…. People like that dont last in the drug game. U dont need me… No one needs a fuck up like me… Ill just hurt you or dissappoint you like i do everyone else. Ive had full grown men belt me for not sleeping with them.. I carry a knife on me everywhere at all times because im terrified that another man will do it again… I need help i need a real friend… I need somone to care about me for once. But thats not going to happen.. This is the drug game.