puffled

So Club Penguin is shutting down to be replaced by Club Penguin Island, but I don’t think anyone fully understands what this means. Do you really expect me to believe that these fun-loving penguins would willingly leave their happy arctic home to live on a tropical island unfit to sustain penguin life? No. Fuck that. Remember that Disney owns Club Penguin, therefore, it is my humble hypothesis that the original world of Club Penguin has been consumed by the darkness so all the penguins and puffles had to migrate to Destiny Islands as refugees. Now, Sora must purge the darkness from their original arctic world so they may return in safety. This will be a crucial plot point in Kingdom Hearts III.

700 Puffles

Ok, so, when I was a kid, I used to get up to a lot of dumb shenanigans on Club Penguin. I think this was around third or fourth grade; I did a lot of trolly things then. Some of the bans and glitches they had to fix around that time period were because of me and some of my online friends at the time.

We figured out pretty quickly that most of the like, your base-level curse words, y'know the amateur curse words, they’re all BANNED. So we started coming up with more and more inventive ways to express our feelings to the public, so that’s why every once in a while they would roll out an update, and it’s like, “the term ‘bitchbaby’ is now banned”.

And um, what else did I do?

Oh right, so do you know how they had those expansion areas every once in a while? And there would be those little zones and each zone had the same default shop that they copy-and-pasted over.

But there was this one expansion area… it was a cave or mine shaft or something like that. The default shop that they had there, it was Real Glitchy. So I figured out that if you buy seven puffles it gives you some ridiculous number for the price of TWO. So what I did:

I BOUGHT 700 PUFFLES…. And then I gifted them to the other person in the shop whose name I didn’t know and then I waited. And then I forgot about that for, quite a while, and then some time a week later I got a very angry email from said person, with a screenshot of their home, which was floor-to-ceiling, wall-to-wall, just. Fur. And googly eyes. Like you could see nothing else, it was just puffle everywhere. They were rendering in and out of walls, like some of them were just plain feet, it was – it was an abomination.

And apparently once I read the email their main complaint? Not even the fact that I ruined their fucking household! It was the fact that when they opened the client and saw that, it CRASHED. Their Club Penguin client crashed, and when they opened their house and it loaded and there were seven hundred puffles.

I don’t know if you guys know this but puffles, as cute as they look (at least to some people), the sounds they make are not quite as cute. Especially when there’s seven hundred of them layered on top of each other, rendering in and out of walls emitting a sound collectively scary enough to get Lucifer to piss himself.

And yeah. That’s the story of why there’s a limit of 50 puffles that you can buy.

vintage club penguin things

  • having to have a jukebox in your igloo to play music
  • people making fake screenshots of rainbow puffles long before there were actual rainbow puffles
  • “dance or drill, just don’t stand still”
  • iceberg tipping parties in general
  • save the migrator
  • the april fools party where if you went to the mine shack you could walk around on the loading screen
  • the april fools party where the iceberg turned into an actual photograph of a bucket of ice
  • propeller caps
  • jackhammers
  • night vision goggles
  • halloween parties
  • pressing all the buttons on the switchbox 3000
  • easter egg hunts
  • the first medieval party with that giant dragon in the mine
  • trying to track rockhopper and flipping your shit when you got to be in the same room as him
  • the typing games
  • the big wigs catalog
  • orange inflatable furniture
  • having to pay 20 coins to remove your floor
  • psa missions
  • asking everyone where this week’s pin was
  • hiding behind the chat bar

I could go on for far too long and I have got really sad while writing this because I’ve become a grown up and I will never be as eager to experience life as I was as a nine-year-old getting up at 6am to look at the new gift shop catalog