hold my guardian vessel and call to the three hellhounds that guard
me. I will call them “Bastard,” “Angel,” and “Pudd” -
based on their real names. They are dogs of truly impressive size, each one jet black with either ruby or amber eyes.
“Why have you called us here? It is not time to eat.”
“There is no danger.”
say, I would like to do an interview with them, to post their answers
on the Internet for others to read. “We already did an interview,”
says Angel. I did interview these three spirits thoroughly before
offering them a contract. I say that now I would just like to speak
with them, and maybe they will have a message to share with others.
says Bastard brightly. “Tell them we will accept all offerings and
you give them your address, so they can send us food?” asks Angel.
say I do not think people will give me free food to offer a group of
hellhounds. “Why?” challenges Angel, angrily. For once, Bastard
remains silent. I ask them if they are unsatisfied with their regular
payments and offerings. “We are not unsatisfied,” says Bastard.
“It is because we are from Hell,” says Angel. “They do not like
us.” I say I am sure many people love hellhounds as much as I do.
Pudd wags his tail and comes over to me. “I see no reason why we
should not receive food from the Internet people,” says Angel. I do
not think he is letting this one go. “Be calm, Brother,” says
Bastard. “They do not know us, they have no reason to feed us.”
do not like us!” again insists Angel. “They think less of us.”
I firmly suggest that Angel takes Bastard’s advice to calm down, or
else I will call him a bad dog. Angel calms down immediately. Pudd is
pressing his head against my leg and I pet him. Angel whines, so I
pet him too. Bastard is sitting down in front of me.
they will not feed us, what reason do we have to speak with them?”
he inquires. I think this is a very fair point. I say that perhaps
they would like to speak from their own interest and curiosity.
will speak if you give us extra treats,” says Bastard. I know I am
being bamboozled but I agree and give each dog a treat as an
offering. Now they are barking happily, burying their heads in piles
of astral treats. “We will speak,” says Bastard. Pudd flops over,
stuffed full of treats. I ask Bastard if he would like to share a
message, but Angel interrupts. “Tell them we are no less than other
dogs,” he says. “We are not evil, we are great guardians, full of
power and goodness. We just reside in the underworld.” I say, I
fully believe they are good and great guardians. Bastard nods. Pudd
pants, his massive tongue flopping on the ground. “We are also
better than heavenhounds,” says Angel somewhat insidiously. I ask
why that is. “Because we are not stuck up,” says Bastard. “Look
at me. My name is Bastard. Do you think a heavenhound would have a
name like that? No. They take themselves too seriously. They have no
sense of humor.” I ask Pudd what he thinks. He kicks his legs.
proceeds to go on a diatribe that I will not publish.
nods his head in agreement. “Furthermore,” he says. I will not
publish the rest of Bastard’s comments, either.
has finally struggled to his feet. He comes over to me and collapses
in my lap. His head is the size of my torso. These dogs care too
much about things, he tells me
telepathically so the others cannot hear. No spirit has ever spoken
this way to me before. This is the longest sentence Pudd has ever
said to me. I am a happy dog,
he says. I do not worry about silly things. Tell your
friends, they should be happy dogs too.Then, they can be in my pack.
I pet Pudd’s giant head in acknowledgment of his words. When I tune
back to the other two hounds, Bastard is still shittalking. I
say, I think it is time they return to their patrols.
says Angel. “We like it here.” They lay down in my bedroom and
request candles and wine. Because I am a pushover, and because I like
them so damn much, I agree.
“I fancy Dougie. I always have done. He has a crush on me as well. I think that he’s a little cutie. But what’s so sweet about Dougie is that he doesn’t realise it. I dont think that we consciously flirt with each other though…"