I don’t want to be the person you miss at night when you’re alone but crave the presence of another. I want to be the person you miss in the day when you’re surrounded by others but you’d rather be alone with me.
me, at myself:
so you have 231 unopened emails, 34 unread texts, 3 essays, 5 hw assignments, ur mom's calling, the dog needs to be let out, u haven't taken ur meds in 2 days,, showering would be nice, oh fuc it's dinner time-
also me *staring blankly*:
yo u ever see shapes in the ceiling? there's like a lil bunny right there lol
Ordinary nightmares (that have nothing to do with the circumstances, just stupid nightmares much more often than the average person)
Getting sharp pains in your back/neck/collarbones that make it hard to breathe (due to hypervigilance/constant high anxiety)
Learning that “high anxiety” does not mean “generalized anxiety” like other people have with panic attacks and not feeling that they can accomplish thing. PTSD anxiety just means this frenetic energy that makes you want to talk/think/do things (even as an introvert) to avoid stopping.
Feeling constantly bored like you have to chase after something, even if you’re just at home: I spend hours on tumblr, pinterest, watching tv, reading books, making art, never just laying there alone…because if you stop…the darkness is there
Thinking up stories before bed. This is a symptom of high anxiety because you’re trying to calm down and fall asleep in a “safe world” where people are looking out for you and caring for you.
Trouble falling asleep (which is distinct from insomnia) because turning off electronics etc. doesn’t help since your heartrate/fight or flight response is engaged
Periods of racing heart (mine has gotten to 120bpm for five hours) that make you feel like you’re waiting for something to happen
Exaggerated startle response. When I was a kid I used to hide behind corners to surprise my sisters. Two years ago my friend hid under my desk to scare me. I literally screamed, fell out of the chair, and started crying. She was laughing because she thought the joke went well, and then got concerned because I kept crying.
Purposefully “tanking” a bad day with sad music/tv/movies/books because it “was already ruined anyway”
after years of being abused, manipulated, and gaslighted by other people, i honestly can’t wrap my mind around the concept that someone would actually want to be friends with me or spend time with me without some sort of ulterior motive ????
what’s the angle here, what joke am I going to be the punchline to this week??
Breathe. You’re going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.