ptsd problems

Person: why are you so bitter?
Me, a mess of trauma and childhood abuse: haha I dunno man

  • me, at myself: so you have 231 unopened emails, 34 unread texts, 3 essays, 5 hw assignments, ur mom's calling, the dog needs to be let out, u haven't taken ur meds in 2 days,, showering would be nice, oh fuc it's dinner time-
  • also me *staring blankly*: yo u ever see shapes in the ceiling? there's like a lil bunny right there lol
Things I Didn’t Know Were Symptoms of C-PTSD
  • Getting overwhelmed in crowds
  • Getting upset or angry at a loud alarm
  • Ordinary nightmares (that have nothing to do with the circumstances, just stupid nightmares much more often than the average person)
  • Getting sharp pains in your back/neck/collarbones that make it hard to breathe (due to hypervigilance/constant high anxiety)
  • Learning that “high anxiety” does not mean “generalized anxiety” like other people have with panic attacks and not feeling that they can accomplish thing. PTSD anxiety just means this frenetic energy that makes you want to talk/think/do things (even as an introvert) to avoid stopping.
  • Feeling constantly bored like you have to chase after something, even if you’re just at home: I spend hours on tumblr, pinterest, watching tv, reading books, making art, never just laying there alone…because if you stop…the darkness is there
  • Thinking up stories before bed. This is a symptom of high anxiety because you’re trying to calm down and fall asleep in a “safe world” where people are looking out for you and caring for you.
  • Trouble falling asleep (which is distinct from insomnia) because turning off electronics etc. doesn’t help since your heartrate/fight or flight response is engaged
  • Periods of racing heart (mine has gotten to 120bpm for five hours) that make you feel like you’re waiting for something to happen
  • Exaggerated startle response. When I was a kid I used to hide behind corners to surprise my sisters. Two years ago my friend hid under my desk to scare me. I literally screamed, fell out of the chair, and started crying. She was laughing because she thought the joke went well, and then got concerned because I kept crying.
  • Purposefully “tanking” a bad day with sad music/tv/movies/books because it “was already ruined anyway”
Breathe. You’re going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.
—  Daniell Koepke

me: *sees someone who vaguely looks like my abuser(s)*

me, already having a panic attack: they’ve found me and they’ve come to harm me again. i can’t believe i ever thought i was safe. i’m sure i can buy a plane ticket to some deserted island and-

  • me: im going to get my life together!!! im going to get my dream job and live a perfect life with the person of my dreams and were going to be the happiest couple alive!!! mental illness who???
  • me, five seconds later: what if i just bled out right now? im never going to get anywhere in life and everyone i love abandons me so i might as well just stab myself... mental stability who???