I can’t guarantee anything. I can’t say that you will feel this much better, after this amount of time.. and I don’t have a magic wand, as much as I wish I did, you will need to do the work. But what I can say after my twenty years of working in this area is that people can feel better, they can move forward. You can move forward.
—  my therapist and her no bullshit answers 💛
Once your used
Even used once
The user doesnt matter
Your now used and worn
You can’t not be used
Your already used
It becomes your only use
To be used again
By the users so familiar
The users used to using
And your used to being used
They always use the used
The used and used again
Used until finally broken
Then used and used some more
Your already broken
Then your used again
—  the cycle of use

You have a right to come out of trauma uglier and meaner and angrier and less forgiving. And being a “bad survivor” does not impinge upon your validity as a survivor or how deserving you are of care, healing and recovery. Grow claws and fangs, hate the people who hurt you, hold on to your grudges ‘til your grave, never forgive and never forget if that’s what you need. And don’t let anyone judge or shame you for what gives you that scrap of safety, or security, or healing, that the cruelty of others had denied you.

  • a normal kids show teaching morals:always be kind and just, eat your vegetables, believe in the power of friendship.
  • Steven Universe teaching morals:unhealthy relationships can be mutually abusive, and often create co-dependence at the point where the abused misses their abuser. Abusive people often use emotional manipulation rather/besides physical violence to try and control their partner. PTSD can't be cured just by facing the thing that caused you a trauma. No means no and if you don't respect that you deserve to be punched into next week.
Reminder

the goal of recovery is not “moving on”
the goal of recovery is not forgiveness
the goal of recovery is not indifference to those who traumatized you
the goal of recovery is not getting back to who you were before trauma
the goal of recovery is not the elimination of all ptsd symptoms
the goal of recovery is not the fading of strong emotions about your trauma
the goal of recovery is not the ability to never think about your trauma anymore

the goal of recovery is getting to a place where you can prioritize your own safety, autonomy, self love, and connection with others.

Your recovery isn’t about whether you can pass as a non-survivor.
Your recovery is about whether you can know and love yourself a little more today than you did a year ago. 

Florida: Psychological Trauma suffered on the job is still a work injury and should be covered by Workers Comp

Gerry Realin helped pull 49 bodies out of Pulse nightclub June 12. That night has haunted him and made him unable to work.

After the worst mass shooting in US history Police officer Gerry Realin rushed in to help the surviving victims of the Pulse nightclub shooting. A lone gunman had opened fire on the Orlando gay bar June 12, killing 49 people, Realin helped remove bodies from the club.

His wife has stated, “When he got home, 2:30 the next morning, he came in very quiet … looked at both of our kids, then went in the shower and just lost it… And he didn’t stop crying. The next day, it was on and off. And it’s just been really hard.”

“The man that left my house that morning did not come back to me that night,” Jessica Realin said. “He’s still not back.”

Although Realin returned to work two weeks after attack, he struggled to recover, taking frequent days off. The patrolman drained his vacation time and sick days before being placed on paid leave, but he isn’t sure how long that will last.  

Under Florida law, those who experience psychological trauma on the job are not entitled to paid days off or to have their medical bills reimbursed by their employer.

Because of this, he has had his workers compensation claim denied by the state, leaving him in a precarious situation, with the Realin’s having to begin relying to donations to cover the cost of his care and time off.

Officer Realin suffered trauma while on the Job, he walked into the worst mass shooting in US History to help people and walked out of work needing medical attention and the state of Florida is abandoning him.

This is just a snapshot of a larger problem, psychological issues are medical issues and should be covered by workers compensation plans.

So, we are calling on the State of Florida to change workers compensation laws to include psychological trauma.

Sign This Petition Now!

If you are a trauma survivor and no one else knows, your story matters.

If you are a trauma survivor and only the people close to you know, your story matters.

If you are a trauma survivor and everyone knows, your story matters.

If you are a trauma survivor your story matters regardless of how many people you have or haven’t told. You matter.

In defense of Jasper

Ok, so I’ve basically just seen a whole shit ton of people flocking to Lapis’ defense over this new episode, but I’m kinda like…but Jasper too?? Y’know?

Like, I’ve already seen dozens of posts talking about Lapis’ PTSD from being abused in her relationship with Jasper, and how she has low self esteem from it, and how her lashing out is just part of her mental illness– and I’m not discrediting this at all! Lapis clearly is not in a good head space, and whether that’s PTSD or depression or fear is really up to the individual to work out (since it’s unlikely we’ll get verbal confirmation in canon). However, I really do believe that Lapis was the abuser in the relationship.

I’m not trying to demonize her or anything, but that’s honestly what the signs are pointing to. Both Lapis and Jasper talk about her strength in this episode- Jasper, who is p much known for being strong, calls Lapis’ strength “monstrous” (more or less). We know that Lapis was the one keeping Jasper tied down, and Jasper said here that ‘she’s the only one who could take [Lapis’] power’. Miss Meathead Jasper comes crawling back to Lapis, begging to fuse, feeling weak without Lapis. Jasper even says that “she’s changed’ and that Lapis ‘changed her’– those words are abusive relationship red flag 101. 

And mostly, Lapis also straight up admitted it too. When Jasper wants to re-fuse she asks why, saying that she was horrible and even that she //enjoyed taking all her pain and anger on her//, Lapis was the one in control, she was the “Monster”; and she still craves that feeling, but she knows its abusive and she knows it’s unhealthy. 

And yeah, while I think that Lapis was the abuser, that doesn’t lessen the psychological toll it took on her any less. Take it from me, a person who has very regretfully been horrible and manipulative in past relationships- after it’s over, the guilt, and shame, and lingering feelings of wanting more are very fucked up.

This doesn’t mean Jasper is without blame though, no. Jasper was the one to initiate the fuse without consent (and see here how she made sure to ask- that’s progress, baby steps). And Jasper didn’t make Lapis’ domination easy or pleasent, but in the end, Jasper was the one kept prisoner. Continually held down until she completely submitted to Malachite. The abuse Jasper suffered has left her feeling incomplete without Lapis- something I might add happens to a majority of abuse victims. Jasper was broken and remolded by Lapis- she needs help too. She desperate, and was willing to shatter (fucking shatter, not just poof) Steven because she thought he was standing in her way of being with Lapis. So yeah, Jasper’s done a lot of fucked up shit, and wasn’t exactly “nice” in this episode; but we can’t discount her. She’s broken, she’s been through so much abuse, and she just needs a friend.

Both Lapis and Jasper are gray characters, neither are fully good or fully evil. But just because Lapis is friends with Steven doesn’t mean she hasn’t done horrible things. And now she’s just trying to mind her own business, she wants to exist on her own. She doesn’t want to go back to the place where she was controlling, and dominating, and horrible. She want’s to change, and so does Jasper, in her own fucked up way. Jasper needs some love, she needs some understanding.

shoutout to the kids who know the answer but won’t raise their hands in a class coz they have never been encouraged to participate and be wrong.

shoutout to the kids who doodle on their math text books or make up excuses about swimming or other physical activities coz they are deeply uncomfortable with their bodies.

shoutout to the kids who tell themselves they aren’t hungry coz they get bullied in cafeterias or are ignored at the altar of popularity shticks.

shoutout to the kids who are not now, nor ever will be “cool”because of their trauma but are trying to be kind and soft even though no form of hegemonic, warped advertising is selling these fundamental qualities as relevant or important for survival. 

shoutout to the kids who had to break themselves open just so someone could say how badly they were hurting. 

shoutout to the kids who have to engage in  psychological“drama” because they were abused and that is the best coping mechanism they have known. 

shoutout to the kids who fight falling off the wagon frequently, who don’t want to go to therapy sometimes, who hate the meds, who feel unworthy of love or companionship because they were always told they were incapable of receiving and giving affection.

shoutout to the kids who have had to begin building their own world by their own hands from as far long as they can remember.

shoutout to the kids who are still angry about who harmed us years ago.

shoutout to the kids who are tired but trying. every single day.

you are alright. your recovery is valid. you are allowed to fail without having your humanity questioned.