Let your experience happen

“If there is one thing I’ve learned in thirty years as a psychotherapist, it is this: If you can let your experience happen, it will release its knots and unfold, leading to a deeper, more grounded experience of yourself. No matter how painful or scary your feelings appear to be, your willingness to engage with them draws forth your essential strength.”

- John Welwood

Byłam dzisiaj u psychologa w szkole. Skierowała mnie do psychiatry i na psychoterapie. Tatuś się o mnie martwi. Ale ja będę silna. Będę walczyć ze swoimi słabościami. Boję się bardzo, tego co teraz będzie. Ale ja potrzebuję pomocy specjalisty. Wiem to. Pani powiedziała, że mi się uda, bo sama się do niej zgłosiłam. Mam nadzieję, że rodzice będą mnie wspierać w mojej chorobie.

I have a history for honouring my New Year’s resolutions. I got married, changed jobs and lost weight after I decided thatthat specific year would be the year to do so.  

This year I have several resolutions in my mind, things I want to work on the next months of my life. Some probably have been in my head for years now, but this will be the year when I finally will make them happen, turn them into a reality. 

1. First of all, I decided 2014 will be the year I will be happy. After two years of therapy, I’ve come to find that it does hang on my shoulders, that decision, to be happy. I know I still have a lot to work on, and I know that that will be a process that will continue for the rest of my life. I just don’t want to wait until such process is done, until my life is ending, for happiness to start. Every single day in 2014, I will strive to be happy. Even if its just for that day. One day at the time.

I understand that this is quite the resolution to work on. I foresee a lot of work ahead and I know I can’t possibly fathom all the things it will entail. Maybe I will get a divorce, maybe I will work harder on my marriage, maybe I will have an affair, or maybe I will get a wider concept of what is love and what means to me. I don’t know that, yet. What I know is that I’m excited to find out and ready to work my ass off.

2. I will start journaling. Weekly, because I know myself better now, to know that I don’t possess the discipline of doing so daily. It will help me become self aware, and further identify what makes me happy and develop a growth. I will record all the marvellous things that happen to me, all my great finds, my true likes and deep loves. Which book moved me, changed me, which movie left a message, which flower I stopped to smell that had some special fragrance, and keep it all safe in my memories. They can be treacherous and dismissive. I’ve already left too many flowers behind.

3. I will prep myself for a half marathon. I’ve already been toying with running, but this year I decided to become serious about it. I want to do it for different purposes: I want to lose weight, to get in shape, to be my fit self again. It will help me regain trust in myself. Also, I can use the challenge. I need to have a plausible goal to beat. I might not run the half marathon next year, but I will prepare all year long to run in February 2015. 

4. Finally, I will improve my professional life. I will stop doing what I’m doing, and will start making things differently. I’ve been letting myself be defined by who my boss thinks I am, and this won’t roll anymore. I will be my most fabulous self and will not allow anyone to interfere in my growth. If possible, I will change routes of jobs. I want to get more creative and depend less and less on what people expect from me, and more on what I would like to get done. 

I am not intending for this to become a metamorphosis. It is more finding myself, reconnecting with all the aspects in my life that will make me grow instead of being transformed into something else. After all, maybe it is a metamorphosis. I’ve got to revisit the concept. But I see it more like taking of, reminding myself of who I am, leaving behind whatever weights are preventing me from flying. 

2014 will be the year I will become myself. Entirely.