One of the great tragedies of all forms of abuse is that the abused person can become emotionally dependent on the perpetrator through a process called traumatic bonding. (…) This is a bitter psychological irony. Child abuse works in the same way; in fact, children can become more strongly attached to abusive parents than to nonabusive ones. (…) Almost no abuser is mean or frightening all the time. At least occasionally he is loving, gentle, and humorous and perhaps even capable of compassion and empathy. This intermittent, and usually unpredictable, kindness is critical to forming traumatic attachments. When a person has suffered harsh, painful treatment over an extended period of time, they naturally feel a flood of love and gratitude toward anyone who brings relief, like the surge of affection one might feel for the hand that offers a glass of water on a scorching day. But in situations of abuse, the rescuer and the tormentor are the very same person.
—  Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?, 2002

anonymous asked:

I have never heard anything about sexual harassment regarding Salman, they all actually say that he keeps his distance unless approached, and even then he is still cold and reserved towards them! I think it is such an unfair comparison because Big B is sooo known for sexual harassment and crossing the line, there was even a story about him harassing Deepika! Everybody knows this about him, while everybody knows the opposite about Salman!

You don’t KNOW anything. You THINK you know.

Salman is a woman beater. He is physically and psychologically abusive. He objectifies women. The #MeToo movement is not exclusively about men who grab your ass at work. It’s about all kinds of abuse and assault that women go through, and you can say with more certainty that Salman is a perpetrator of that than Big B. I’m pretty sure both have sexually harassed women. I know that Salman has physically harassed them. So if you want to talk about things being unfair, think about the fact that this info came out about him almost 20 years ago and the industry did absolutely NOTHING to help his victim. Who knows what he’s done to other women since then? Is it fair to them? No. The only thing unfair here is that both men have probably been allowed to get away with it for so long that justice at this point would be a meaningless concept. 

If you spent less energy worrying about the “fairness” of accusing a man we already know abuses women, maybe something akin to justice for ALL victims of abuse would be possible.

abuse is addictive due to brain’s hormonal response to extreme stimuli and it’s still not the victim’s fault if they crave abuse or feel restless and anxious without it, it does not mean they wanted it or deserved it, they’ve been hurt so much their brain is damaged by it, nobody on this planet consents to brain damage or wants to cope with feeling absolutely dreadful all the time and craving pain so much while feeling guilty and ashamed for feeling it, it takes ages to stabilize and have your brain hormones regulated properly again but it can and will happen so just keep hanging in there, you are healing all the time no matter what you do

Things that the love of your life ISN’T going to do to you:

  • Leave you when you need them most
  • Do the opposite of what they promised you
  • Set you up to look bad in front of others
  • Purposely try to hurt you
  • Cheat/lie
  • Punish you when you don’t meet their needs
  • Pressure you into anything
  • Withhold affection, intimacy or attention
  • Control you/the situation
  • Make you feel as if you will never be good enough


Take out the trash. You have so much real love to look forward to!

One thing that really gets me about today’s society is how emotional/psychological child abuse is normalized and even celebrated.

I’ve noticed a phenomenon of parents getting together and talking about how they’re such a Mean Mom or Mean Dad and how they’re raising their children to be respectful. They talk about destroying their children’s possessions, isolating them, humiliating them, and/or publicly shaming them.

And when these people hear about, say, a parent smashing a kid’s phone for not cleaning their room or burning their possessions or filming a punishment or embarrassing moment and putting it up on social media, they commend the parents for “teaching the kids a lesson”.

Why the fuck do we, as a society, think this is okay?

It doesn’t teach kids valuable life lessons, it teaches them to be scared of repercussions. It’s bullying and child abuse and for some reason, people think that’s commendable.

Whenever I hear people saying “haha I bet that 14 year old learned a lesson”, it instantly makes me suspicious of them. I will instantly think of you as either a potential child abuser or a child abuse enabler.

As a survivor of psychological abuse, people dismissing this behavior as “harmless life lessons” makes me wonder if it really was abuse. If I deserved it. If I really deserved to have my pet’s life threatened because I was a liar.

It’s not cute. It’s not “good parenting”. It’s intimidating, shaming, and traumatizing your child into compliance.

Why people get trapped by Emotional Abusers & Why it’s not their fault

(these apply to platonic and romantic relationships)

1. Attachment

The Emotional Abuser gives you attention: they make you feel flattered, loved and important. You start to believe that they genuinely care about you. They might even think that they do by themselves since they internally justify all their doings. Normally this kind of attachment would lead to a healthy bonding and a closer relationship. With the Emotional Abuser it leads to some levels of addiction and dependency on the victim’s part which is never their fault. Emotional Abuser’s behaviour exploits normal emotional bonding to another human being.

2. Guilt

In some point in the relationship you notice that it’s all about their needs. The Abuser might do something that hurts your feelings and bringing it up leads them to reason why it’s actually your fault and why you have to take responsibility for it. They make up convincing excuses why it’s not their job to do it, why it’s absolutely unreasonable of you to ask for it and so on. In other words: they Guilt-trip you. The Emotional Abuser believes they have no responsibility for their behaviour or feelings. If they feel uncomfortable by something in the relationship they will manipulate you to take the blame instead of trying to work things out. Guilt-tripping makes the victim submit and erodes their sense of emotional and physical boundaries since they are made to believe it’s their job to cater on Abuser’s needs.

3. Cognitive dissonance

After the idealization pace the Emotional Abuser will move to a devaluing pace. Catering to their needs is not enough anymore and you feel you can’t do anything right no matter what you do. The pace starts when the Abuser feels you are getting emotionally too close and/or you are trying to hold them accountable for something they have done. Emotional Abusers are afraid of responsibility and in some cases intimacy so they will try to push you away. They use manipulation: Gaslighting and Guilt-tripping to force you into silence and to take all the responsibility for the relationship. They give you Silent Treatment which is justified by some clever excuses. Emotional Abusers believe they are entitled to absolute emotional comfort even when it means abusing other people.

Because you remember how well they used to treat you, your mind has a hard time accepting they are not the person you thought they were. In fact you might start to make excuses for them in your head because they have manipulated you to think nothing is their fault. It is extremely difficult to get away from the Abuser’s emotional trap because they take advantage of the victim’s emotional bonding to them and give false hope that the relationship could be “fixed”. You are misled into thinking that if you just learn not to be so “needy” and “selfish”, the Abuser will reward you with the loving behaviour they demonstrated in the beginning.

Aftermath

The Emotional Abuser has no intention to take responsibility for what their abusive behaviour has caused you because they have normalized and justified it in their head. Not all of the Abusers are so sure of themselves but need a lot of internal convincing and validation from others so that they can feel good about themselves which is their goal: not having to deal with responsibility or emotional labour. After all Emotional Abusers are not Disney villains but people who are so selfish that they lack of motivation to learn how to not hurt people.

There are two ways how the trap can break: the victim quits all contact with the Abuser or the Abuser leaves the victim. The latter one occurs if the Emotional Abuser feels they have to deal with too much because of the victim. The Abuser might feel threatened by the victim if the victim is making the Abuser feel bad about themself by calling out their abusive behaviour. The Emotional Abuser thinks that they are actually the victim in the relationship because the real Victim is making them feel bad and scared. The Abuser is genuinely afraid that they would have to deal with negative emotions that taking responsibility would require.

In the end the Emotional Abuser ends the relationship with some dramatic note in which they project all their feelings into the victim: you are the abuser, you have harmed them, you have threatened them. This is their way of securing their own emotional well-being as they refuse to acknowledge the reality. Just remember that it was NOT your fault and you are not responsible for their horrible behaviour. While mutually harmful and violent relationships can exist abusive relationships are based on a power imbalance and therefore there is no such a thing as “mutually abusive”. You are nothing like your abuser.

Protect brown girls from the idea that emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse is an inherent part of poc culture

If your parents belittle you, call you names, dismiss your passions and interests, prevent you from doing things that make you happy– 

If your parents don’t let you have age-appropriate independence, or if they never let you defend yourself, or if they passive-aggressively manipulate you into feeling guilty for disappointing them– 

If your parents slap you– 

If your parents say it’s just “tough love,” or that you’re too young and naive to understand right now, or that your parents are the only people who know what’s best for you– 

Your parents are wrong. This isn’t normal. This isn’t just “brown culture” or “poc culture.” This is emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse. You deserve better. Please never let your parents’ actions define your self-worth. You are so much more than just the flaws your parents are so fond of pointing out. You are bigger and better than the way they treat you. You are kindness and passion and determination and beauty. You deserve the world.

If parents teach a child with any method available that the child must be

  • submissive
  • extremely obedient
  • silent about their needs
  • always content with what they get, even if it’s much less than they need
  • pleasing to everyone around them
  • giving others what they want even when it’s harmful and painful to do so
  • expecting punishment at merely displeasuring someone
  • expecting pain as soon as they don’t meet someone’s expectations
  • not good enough unless they make everyone else happy
  • putting their needs last, or not having needs at all
  • extremely grateful for every little bit of human decency they get
  • best in the world in everything, or else they’re worthless
  • recognizing that people who hurt them most likely do it unintentionally or even worse, out of love
  • accepting hurtful behaviour without calling it out, complaining about it, or even letting the perpetrator know how much they got hurt
  • extremely forgiving, to the point where they forgive without even getting an apology, or with the hurtful offense still going on
  • tolerating insults, humiliation, slurs, and hatred being directed at them
  • never showing outright anger, rage, resentment, or hold a grudge
  • never fighting for their rights
  • never refusing to do what’s asked of them
  • accepting that they might be unlovable and that nobody will ever want them

then the child is being abused. It doesn’t matter if they use violence, guilt, terror, emotional abuse, brainwashing, threats, psychological abuse, punishment, discipline, harsh language, or if they teach it all to the child politely and with explanations to why they have to be like this if they don’t wish to be a burden on society. To shape a person this way out of convenience and send them off into a world that will abuse, exploit, take advantage and destroy a person like this, is abuse. Nobody needs to be any of these things. And people who aren’t any of these things still aren’t a burden on society. Abusive parents are a burden on society, and on their own children. Children aren’t there to be controlled or used by adults. Children are humans in development. Their boundaries should not be crushed before they even have a chance to develop any.

abuse survivors don’t own their abusers a single thing. they don’t owe them a phone call, they don’t owe them a card, they don’t owe them a hug, or forgiveness, or any other thing. abuse survivors don’t have to invite abusive relatives to christmas. they don’t have to call someone who abused them for years just because it’s their abuser’s birthday. if you ever pressure a survivor into contacting their abuser, you absolutely suck. 

signs that your family is abusive:

  • you feel the urge to hide from them whenever you’re vulnerable
  • you cannot bear the idea of them seeing you cry
  • when you’re hurt or in pain, you don’t go to them because you feel they’ll tell you that you deserved it or that it was your fault
  • you don’t feel like you can confide in them, either because they don’t seem to care, or try to control how you act, or yell at you and punish you, or use the information against you
  • you feel very self-conscious around them and keep expecting criticism and insults
  • you can’t tell them about your struggles because you already know they’ll side against you
  • you keep things in your life secret from them because you have a feeling they would ridicule, humiliate, and judge you if they knew, or take everything away from you
  • you feel scared of letting them know when they hurt you
  • you feel scared and guilty when you so much as think about them in a bad way
  • you feel the urge to remind yourself of all the things they did for you, whenever something bad comes up, to be sure that you’re seeing them the way they want to be seen by you
  • you’re scared of being accused of being a burden to them
  • you’re scared to hold them responsible for things they did to you, because you know they would argue otherwise, and insist they had full right to do what they did, or that you made it up
  • you have the inner sense of dread that nothing you ever do or say will be taken seriously by them, and your life will always look like a joke to them
  • you dream of living far away from them and feel guilty for wanting to cut them from your life
  • you don’t feel like you’re really important in comparison to them, it feels like it’s better to just step aside and let them be important, your life doesn’t matter as much anyway
  • you’re worried about how your every action might affect their life, their reputation and social standing
  • you feel that they’re ashamed of you and you’re trying your best not to bring further shame on the family
  • you feel like you’ll owe them for the rest of your life and nothing you ever do will be enough to erase the debt, and this fills you with dread and feeling of being trapped
  • you don’t count on their help when you’re in trouble, you’re scared of them finding out and punishing you for being in trouble in the first place
  • you don’t count on them sharing their resources with you, you know you have to be grateful for how much they’ve given you already and feel like you have no right to ask for anything more, even if you need it
  • you can’t feel warmth or safety when surrounded by family, instead you wish you didn’t have to be there, and seek a place to hide and protect yourself
  • holidays spent with family are just painful and something you try to endure instead of enjoy
  • you can’t imagine a world where you’re free and not defined by these people
One of the most common traits in a survivor is self-doubt. Especially after psychological abuse, survivors may spend months analyzing themselves and worrying that they might have actually been at fault. They may even suspect themselves of being a narcissist or a sociopath. A lot of this has to do with the sense of defectiveness that abusers instill in their targets. When someone you love betrays you, criticizes you, ignores you, or cheats on you, the default message absorbed is “something must be wrong with me”. But the truth is, when someone does those things, they are showing you what’s wrong with them–not you. They are revealing their own psychological damage and attachment issues. As you begin to accept this, you will stop worrying so much about yourself and instead learn how to offer yourself love. When we judge or distrust ourselves, we are only strengthening the message left behind by the abuser. Far too many survivors get diagnosed with disorders they don’t even have, when really it’s just unresolved trauma that needs your love and care.