Will I ever connect with another human being?
I’m an 18-year-old girl currently struggling with… things.
I’m apparently suffering from a sort of mental disorder (“anxiety issues and possibly some vague personality disorder”, according to my psychiatrist), though no one of the doctors I’ve consulted were able determine what it is, or how to mitigate or get rid of it. They even suspected epilepsy, psychic powers (?) and other things that don’t seem related to my problem at all. And yet, I just… can’t seem to function properly in normal day-to-day situations, without going into details. I’m currently taking meds for panic attacks (alprazolam and sertraline plus quetiapine as a sleep aid), which help a bit, but don’t make life all that enjoyable, honestly…
School is a disaster, for example. In class, the chaos and the noise and all those people’s presence are too overwhelming to bear, they drive me nuts (I usually curl up into a ball and scream uncontrollably). The teachers believe me to be smart; my classmates tell me I give off a Luna Lovegood vibe, and I get (unironically) called a “crazy genius”, or a “walking encyclopedia” and get compared to people like Einstein. My trusted tutoress once said that my disability is the price I have to pay for my supposed “gift”, which is unfortunate, since I don’t… think… I am that talented at all…? Or that I will accomplish anything in life, for that matter; I’m just a teenager, a bit more “nerdy” and complexed than the norm, with a typical teenage-like fixation on The Boobies (and all the frustration that goes with it).
I also have serious trouble connecting with people, though it’s probably not what you’re thinking.
I’m rather talkative and a decent conversationalist, visual contact being the only difficulty, and I strive to be as polite and kind and considerate as I can to everyone (they all go through a lot); when I’m physically close to a person or an animal who’s suffering, I feel all sorts of emotions, but in any other case I’m just… detached, like they all live on an entirely different plane of existence than mine; they’ve always acted differently, reasoned differently and, most importantly, felt differently, and I don’t know if that’s just my imagination or my “illness” (whatever you want to call it), or not.
I’d love to experience a regular friendship or a romantic relationship, but considering how I am, I’m afraid I won’t ever be able to connect deeply with another human being. Any thoughts on that?
Jennie: I do think that, in your life, you will find people who you can connect with. You’re young, and you probably haven’t met most of the people you’re going to meet. Having said that, it does sound important that right now, you focus on yourself, so that in the future you can feel more ready to connect with another person.
I’m not sure what doctors you’ve been seeing, but if a doctor is telling you that you might have psychic powers, it’s probably best to find another professional to see. They don’t sound like the kind of person you could trust with a diagnosis. Sometimes it can be difficult to figure out exactly what disorder someone has, and diagnosis can be a long, complicated process, but I think we can say for certain that what you’re experiencing is not caused by magic.
I think that the most important thing you can do is keep talking about this. If your doctor isn’t helping, see a different doctor. If your psychiatrist isn’t doing anything other than prescribing medication which helps with some thing but not others, see a psychologist. Look into different types of therapies, and look for therapists in your area who can deliver them. Even if they can’t diagnose you, they may be able to help you manage your day-to-day life better. Be as open as possible when discussing what your symptoms are, because you are the person who knows what you’re going through best. Your diagnosis and your treatment can only be based on the information that you give them.