psychiatrist bills

adlethstillio  asked:

A week ago I thought I had my anxiety under control.... ButT today I feel like I don't deserve to be called "adult" and this morning felt like I couldn't handle any more. THEN I learned that my psychiatrist bill is $700, not the $40 copay I was expecting. I know there are ups and downs, but fuck. This down hurts. A lot. I'm back to some obsessive tendencies I haven't done in months. Any tips for the down days?

I am so sorry. That sucks.

When I have down days, I do the best I can (being gentle with myself, and forgiving, because what is my best varies from day to day) to remember that this isn’t the first time I’ve had a down day, and to give myself credit for making it through.

“Ah, but that was different, this time is THE WORST,” your brain will say. And then we have to remember that our brain says that every single time, because depression lies.

I try to remember (and so I try to help others remember) that you don’t deserve this crap. This isn’t happening because of something you did or didn’t do; it’s just the way our brains are wired.

I focus on doing cognitive behavioral therapy, which is basically identifying a negative emotion (sadness, despair, etc.) and focusing on something awesome that made me happy, to replace it. For example, I may read a news story about one of my friends getting a gig I desperately wanted, and instead of being super happy for them, I’ll feel sad for me. When that happens, I have to deliberately think about and remember the specific emotional experience I had when I did something cool that I felt good about. I do my best to relive it, sort of turning up the mental volume on it, until I can’t hear (feel) the bad stuff.

That’s oversimplifying it, and maybe I’m not explaining it well, but it’s one tool that works for me.

I notice that, in your ask, you didn’t say anything about giving up or stopping therapy, and I wanted you to know that I’m proud of you for refusing to be a victim, and for sticking with your treatment and therapy to take good care of yourself.

Check in with me and let me know how you’re doing in a few days, okay? I promise you that it will get better. You are stronger than you think.

People who try to invalidate or discredit the existence of multiple systems based on their own lousy understanding of psychiatric literature (which, by the way, is not the be-all and end-all of our existence) honestly infuriate me.

The most frequent nonsense I see looks something like: “In the DSM, it says that there HAS to be some amnesia/lack of awareness/coherent memory between alters or system members for it to be DID. THAT TOTALLY PROVES THAT EVERYONE ON TUMBLR IS FAKING cuz if they really had it, they wouldn’t know they had alters at all!!!! Obviously, that means people with ‘real’ DID don’t know they have it!!!! I’m such a fucking genius! Everyone drop their identities immediately and praise me like a god!”

If this is the kind of logic you use to intimidate, bully, harass, and erase people over the internet, please consider the following points:

1.      Amnesia between alters or system members does not automatically mean no awareness that other system members exist. It simply means that there are some things you should remember but don’t, and the things you don’t remember cannot be explained by ordinary forgetfulness. It can work in a number of ways like:

a.       Amy blacks out when Sarah comes out, but once Amy returns, she is capable of asking Sarah to fill her in on what happened.

b.      Amy, Sarah, Jane, and Tom all have a shared memory bank they’ve created through cooperation. Emma is a new alter who has not started to cooperate with them yet, meaning that if Emma comes out, people have no idea what happened during that time.

c.       Amy stays conscious or co-present when others come out, BUT she loses time if something dangerous or abusive is happening to her or to her system members.

d.      Amy, Sarah, Jane, and Tom all share memories but none of them can remember what happened to the body between ages 6 and 15. That time is just left blank or feels very blurred out.

e.       Other ways I’m not even thinking of right now (feel free to add yours).

2.      Some people who have DID used to have much messier, more complicated lives than they do now. For all you know, the happy/stable looking system you see on Tumblr is the result of years of work or is the carefully cultivated image they choose to put forward to avoid attracting negative attention. Someone “making it look easy” doesn’t mean they’re faking.

3.      Some people who say they are aware of their alters are people who had help becoming aware. For example, maybe Amy thinks she has no social life, but then her friend tells her “hey, how come last week when you were downtown on Saturday night, you were asking people to call you Rachel?” Amy might have no idea what her friend is talking about, but the suggestion may prompt her to dig deeper into what might be going on. Alternatively, maybe Amy found out in therapy. Maybe Amy had a dream in which she connected with an alter. Maybe she found writing in her journal that wasn’t hers. There are many ways that a person who is 100% unaware that she’s multiple can find out about her alters.

4.      Not all diagnosable multiple systems have DID. Some have OSDD (formerly called DDNOS). Some varieties of OSDD/DDNOS come with alters (just like DID) but do not feature time-loss (or feature significantly less of it).

5.      Not everyone who’s multiple is claiming to have DID or DDNOS or OSDD. Some people simply have minds that work differently than other people. Unless these people are jumping onto DID boards screaming “I BELONG HERE EVEN THOUGH I DON’T HAVE DID!!!!” or coming into your space and going “BECAUSE I’M MULTIPLE, THAT AUTOMATICALLY ENTITLES ME TO YOUR ATTENTION!!!!” then you have no reason to accuse them of trying to take space away from DID or of trying to get attention. Simply posting about their own experiences on their own blogs (or challenging you when you post hate in their tags) does not amount to them committing a violence against you or against people who have DID or other dissociative disorders.  

There are actually a TON of people with diagnoses who knew they were multiple long before a psychiatrist billed their insurance for it. If you cannot listen to the experiences of people without diagnoses (who are totally legit – it is actually very hard to find a doctor willing to diagnose DID or experienced enough to do so, and it can be prohibitively stigmatizing and expensive), at least listen to the people who have diagnoses that simply confirm what they already know.

All Skateparks and Second Base

Punk kids with street style they stole or sold for, hanging outside the mall smoking whatever makes them look cool; it’s all clear. They’ve got snapbacks, three iPods, lighters but no guns. They’re not the fighters, but the lost ones.

It’s all skateparks and second base. She’s a pretty acid trip in the staircase behind the movie theater; she imagines that the endings turn out all right. They’re not alleys and broken windows, but trimmed lawns and milk delivery boxes and unlocked doors and those sitting rooms in the fronts of houses that no one is allowed to sit in. No peace in her protest, she’s a burning portrait over the coffee table, not so easily seen as the burning cross on the lawn but she longs. She longs.

It is a tragedy, in the dramatic sense. There’s no happy ending sold with the white picket fence; there’s no security in the million dollars of insurance; he’d give a million heartbeats back to benefit once from reassurance.

It’s all bandaids and bottles of pills, the floor in the bathroom, psychiatrist bills. The shingles are new, the garage door’s been replaced; if only we could get out all the rot behind her face, maybe all our demons might finally leave this place. You thought they left, but demons don’t leave, they displace. This home is not a home, is not a home, is not a home, is not a home.

Every shy tooth he shows is to deface the way it feels to be unknown. He doesn’t smile from the lungs but from the gut, eyebrows pinned back and sewn, you’d never know, you’d never know, you’d never know he’s so alone.

Punk kids with skate shoes broken in already ‘cause they never got to wear them new. Mom’s that only buy dress shoes. It’s all for show, it’s all for show, it’s all just a fucking show - show me purpose in your fingers pointed arbitrary, show me the boy behind the man behind the fear.

Killing is quiet when it needs to be.

Money is pretty
A pretty, pretty distraction. It’s all aimless, ambling, misguided mazes, it’s all just flattery. 

September 3rd, 2014