proshant chakraborty

Past, Present and (Pre) History - The Discovery Of Prehistoric Social Networking

Written by Pro-Ashant Chuck-Robot(e).

My hands were brown with dust, yet I didn’t stop digging; I couldn’t. Not on the verge of this big a discovery.

I have spent my evenings roaming the vast tracts of lands, now arid with the onset of summer, looking for things, things out of the ordinary, things that The Frauds of India prides in exhibiting. I knew there was a great story lurking there; somewhere, elusive yet under my very nose, quite literally.

Fortunately, my course studies in archaeology (and that annoying rock on which I tripped), led me to discover a secret that would change our conventional perceptions of our ancient history. Deep inside a burrow, on a 15ft high mound, I found a rock inscription. Not just any rock inscription, but something, which I believe is the earliest form of social networking, now known to mankind.

Existing archaeological records indicate the prevalence of communication since the Neolithic age (c. 8,000 BCE). However, the social network rocks (Yes, I have coined the term; patent pending, though [Ed’s Note: You may have coined the term, but FOI gets the patent!]), have opened up new vistas in the history of oral and written communication. These rocks (numbering up to 13) are 36 x 22 inches, roughly, and have a clearly discernable format and language, strikingly similar to the earlier format of the popular social networking site, Facebook (that is, before Mark Sucker-Bug changed the format for the nth time). These rocks also bear clear evidence of some sort of archaic display picture, on the top-right corner of the rock, and a blank space for, presumably, writing a “wall-post”. The script, however, has not yet been deciphered; some experts (including me) believe that when (or, if) this script is deciphered it will unlock the mystery of the Indus valley inscriptions.

Further ahead, as I could barely contain my elation, I found, what can only be described as the “mother of all wall-posts”. This wall, measuring 17ft in height and about 7ft in breadth, had hollow portions carved out, in neat rectangular patterns. As I initially speculated, and later confirmed, that this was indeed the “wall” on which all the individual “social network rocks” were arranged. This highly valuable discovery could only mean that primitive man was well-versed, and in fact, had pioneered the concept of community living and exchange of information via a definite (online?) medium. This “wall”, also contained several pictures (technically, they are paintings) of hunters and wild game. While this is a common phenomenon in several, in fact most pre-historical sites, what sets this site apart is the little hand paintings below the “picture”, indicating (speculative reasoning, mind you) “likes”.

Of course, as a sentient reader might suggest that this is all a hoax, we at FOI verify our sources from the most credible authorities. Prof Ree-shee, of the Geology Dept. at Sant Jai-Veer’s College, examined some samples and gave them the stamp of authenticity. He says, “This is perhaps the most important discovery of a Neolithic age site. I wonder if they had Blackberry prototypes back then. Anyway, these bloody arts students don’t know the importance of the find. Everything else is b*******.” (We regret the use of profane language. But we have to maintain authenticity of our sources’ comments)

The person who was supposed to be the star attraction at the excavation, Prof Any-Ta Ra-ane, HOD, Dept. of Ancient Indian Culture, however, was absent. She was, it seems, beating up eunuchs on a Mumbai local train, who allegedly assaulted her. Not one to stay mum, Ra-ane beat “the shit out” of those miscreants and reported them to the Railway Police. She said, in a telephone interview, “This is an important discovery. Thanks to the GIS system, and what you can say, archaeologist’s instinct, this site was found. I’m thinking of bringing my students here on a field trip. Maybe, I could put a paper, ‘Social Networking in Ancient India’, in the TY syllabus.”

The future of the site, however, seems to be in potential jeopardy, as the Archaeological Survey of India has taken over the excavation process. But, with professors like Any-Ta Ra-ane, and a possible feature film by Roland Emmerich, the future of our past can never be in too much jeopardy. I mean, as long as I get my patent, right? (Ed’s Note: WE!)

Note: Due to the sensitive nature of the discovery, and possible legal, political (and copyright) issues, the location of the site has remained undisclosed.