Derealisation is awaking from ones dreams but its reality continues.
Its watching your world, your surroundings through a screen in your head, a portal between Neverland and the ground you walk. As if sleeping with the ability to look through the wardrobe to a reality you’ll question. I become so detached that my own home feels like new to me. E v e r y t h i n g… s e e m e d….. s o…… f a r……. o f f. Take a pair of binoculars in your hand and peer through their glass the wrong-way round and see the distance stretch away form you. This room is too far away to touch, to grasp, to hold, to know if I am really living among its setting.
The water glass sits in another realm to the chair I cling to. I reach out, and my hand touches the glass: there is no waging space between, It’s just there. And i know this, but i can’t get pass the lost weight over my feet, these invisible threads attaching you to this earth, is lost in me. I Bring the glass to my lips, and the distance between: my hand, the glass, my lips, is logically normal despite the illusion presented to me….and the distress kicks in, flooding panic!! “what is this, whats happening to me!!?”
Something rationalises within me, and it’s a phase i know will pass, maybe a few minutes, maybe hours, maybe a day or two, and all i can do is breath, and wait, and breath and wait.
I calm my panic, and listen to the distress, not acting on it, or heightening it, or adding its drive, just noticing and letting it pass. I hear you, and its strange, confusing, unbalancing you but you are strong and we know the games our mind plays. This trickery won’t last on you or me, so breath and endure and watch yourself grow through this.
An hour will pass and I breath, and I feel weight. The morning leaves and I feel the distances closing in and i feel the threads beneath my feet, I breath into the evening and i feel reality.
Compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive. No matter what we weigh, we have anorexia of the soul. We refuse to take in what sustains us. We live lives of deprivation. And when we can’t stand it any longer, we binge.
DON’T hold onto clothes that fit your sick body but no longer fit your healthy body. That’s like holding onto your tricycle and periodically trying to switch back to it from the bike you ride every day. If you think it won’t trigger you, trust me - in a moment of weakness, it will and it’s just a matter of time so don’t even risk it.
DON’T hold onto friendships that are can potentially be triggering or toxic to you in any way. Unfortunately, this often includes people you’ve befriended in treatment but isn’t limited to it. This is a very important albeit difficult step to take but it’s time for you to think about YOUR health and wellbeing here. If it’s not part of the solution, then it’s a part of the problem. It’s not you being mean or cruel, it’s you making sure that you can live the ed-free and full life that you deserve.
DON’T hold onto your scale - food scales included! Your weight will fluctuate from day to day (as will the amount of food you eat) depending on a variety of factors and let’s face it - whether you’re just starting to recover or are almost there, having an ED-past and owning a scale just doesn’t add up to anything productive and can potentially be a trigger for a downward spiral in the future. I haven’t owned a scale in 5 years and my life hasn’t been negatively affected in the least - toss it and forget about it guys!
DON’T hold onto ED mementos (photos, diaries etc.) if they’ve ever served as a trigger for you in the past. If you have days when you’re feeling off balance and you tend to reach for your thigh gap pics from way back when to motivate unhealthy behavior - you need to get rid of them NOW. If when you feel sad you tend to re-read journal entries outlining your minuscule intake of ED-past and dwell on eating like a normal human being now - you need to toss out these journals and not look back. Clinging to the past is a direct link to potentially ending up right where you started so don’t go there.
If you’ve followed me for a while you know a few things about me:
(1) I have a heart “condition” (2) my boyfriend is amazing
So I had an episode last night… it wasn’t the worst I’ve had but I got absolutely no sleep because it just lasted a long time and I was also super dehydrated so I kept needing to drink more water. Anyway, was just telling Dan I’m probably going to be going to bed and won’t be able to hang out tomorrow since I need to make sure I get some sleep. Dan: You know how you have heart problems sometimes? Me: Why? Dan: Cause your hearts too big and your body can’t hold it sometimes, it’s why you feel too many things too.
This is why he’s the best. Not only was that adorable, but I also tend to get super frustrated at how highly emotional I tend to be and frustrated that I’m constantly anxious (esp. lately) and frustrated that I such a hard time managing my moods. Now I can go to sleep happy :)
Yes, you should eat. You should always eat. No more of this sitting around for an hour with your cup of coffee trying to decide. You should always eat. There is never a time when skipping a meal is the right answer. Go eat, because you need to. Go eat, because you have a life to live.