proportionate strength of a spider

anonymous asked:

what about sam is really really sick but he doesn't wants to acept it so he doesn't say anything untill things gets out of control and know it's up to peter to take care of him.

ok so I had no intention of finishing this tonight, but then u-got-my-dick-message got all pushy so I did. You better fucking enjoy this unedited, one-in-the-morning mess.

Also, nonnie, sorry this took! Things have recently taken a turn for the worse and I haven’t gotten the chance to write it til now. I was gonna make it all angsty but I needed some cheering up so, you know, fluff. I’m not even titling it because I’m lazy. 

***

Every year, Sam gets the flu. Whether it be because of his low immunity, or the cursed public school system, or because he always seems to get it after participating in the school fair’s kissing booth, he gets it, nonetheless, and it’s always a bitch to deal with.

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anonymous asked:

How ripped do you honestly think this new spiderman is?? Like I think he has a weird six pack under his suit just because he stopped Bucky's arm. He is buff.

I heard that the new spider-man has an eight-pack, that the new spider-man was shredded

No but dude in seriousness, Spider-man has the proportionate strength of a spider packed into him. It’s got nothing to do with the size of his muscles. He could be as gangly as a toothpick and still carry a small bus. 

#162

Cable & Deadpool #24
2006-02
Written by Fabian Nicieza, Art by Patrick Zircher

Unbeknownst to him, Deadpool is getting jobs by Cable. His current mission is to break into a government facility and to “scuttle” the “top secret research program”.

PAST:
[Deadpool]: When I was a kid, I had a whole bunch G.I. Joes– and I’m talking ORIGINAL plastic-haired ones, not the fuzzy hair kung-fu grip guys–or those little pansy tiny ones with the funny names and the cartoon–a CARTOON? Plastic-haired Joe would roll over in his grave… If he COULD roll over…I sort of pulled his arms ‘n legs off…then blew him up with an m- 80…before I buried him in a show box with my hamster, Jolly Nuts…better not to ask.

HERO:
[Deadpool is using non-lethal force, using a baton instead of his swords or guns.

Unfortunately, his target isn’t actually in the facility, but one of the soldiers has been leaking the story to a Daily Bugle reporter.

CABLEPOOL/REP:
[Irene]: I really do NOT want to talk to Deadpool…much less go all the way back to Manhattan to do it! So, Nathan–give me one good reason why I have to do this?
[Cable]: Give me about ten seconds and I can give you fifty.

Despite having Gareb’s help and the world of computer information at their fingertips, Cable doesn’t know where the “Cone of Silence” is since it was moved from the fort Deadpool attacked, so he wants Deadpool to keep following his lead through the reporter, and therefore, he wants Irene to help Deadpool. She reluctantly agrees to make some calls, but she sees no reason to go in person…

QUEER/LOOKS/CLOTHES:
[Irene]: I really can’t believe how nice your apartment is…
[Deadpool is in a tux. He’s not wearing his costume under the tux, as evidence by the fact that his hands are bare. He does have his Deadpool mask on.]
[Deadpool]: Well, I have to be honest… I tidied up a bit when I found out you were coming. You know, Irene…you could have told me all this over the phone…you didn’t have to come over…unless… you WANTED to see me… Some champagne? Fresh beluga and buns?
[Irene]: Are you…you’re not… please say you’re not… Are you…HITTING on me?
[Deadpool]: If I may…you’re looking might fresh for a woman in her pre-menopausal years.
[Irene]: AAAAAAAAAAA

Irene has found that the reporter the soldier had been talking to is a old colleague, Ellis Ken. Deadpool stalks the reporter, following when Ellis with Peter Parker in tow as his photographer, are out on assignment.

Deadpool jumps onto the speeding van and tosses Peter out the door and over the bridge.

HERO:
[Deadpool]: Oh, crap. I might’ve killed him. Why oh why do I let my enthusiastic nature always get the best of me? So…about Peter…For the sake of my need to rationalize my own actions, let’s say he’s a world-class Olympic CLIFF- DIVER…and I KNEW that–So really, he’ll have no problems surviving the fall–I mean the dive–into the East River, Right? So if the cops ask, we make an agreement here and now, we both KNEW that Peter would be fine…Okay?

Thankfully for Peter, he’s actually Spider-Man, and he is able to use his natural web-shooting to catch himself, pull his mask over his head, and set up a web trap to stop Ken’s vehicle so he can confront Deadpool.

SPIDEYPOOL/QUEER/HERO/FOURTH WALL:
[Deadpool]: Oh, Spider-Man! What a relief!
[Spider-Man]: You SHOULD be scared of me, Deadpool.
[Deadpool]: But you were so ADORABLE in your movies, Toby Maguire-teary doe eyes, disheveled hope and that sweet lisp…
[Spider-Man]: You’re NUTS! You’re also lucky I caught that guy you flung off the bridge!
[Deadpool]: Ha! Absolution! “Officer, I knew Spider-Man was there to catch the innocent hacky-sack so I threw him as a distraction!”
[Spider-Man]: Why aren’t you rotting in a jail somewhere is beyond me…
[Deadpool]: Maybe it’s 'cause I never went up against a tough guy like you…
[Spider-Man]: Yeah–Let’s call me a step up from Dr. Bong…

SPIDEYPOOL/FOURTH WALL/HERO:
[Deadpool, again fighting with his baton, using non-lethal attacks]: Okay, so when I got bitten by a radioactive spider– All I got was a RASH on my inner thigh like you wouldn’t believe– That doesn’t mean I can’t do some fancy moves, too!
[Spider-Man]: Fancy? You got thighs like a tree–you move like a groundhog–you got no lean, mean grooves! Chicks don’t dig you–And kids don’t wear Deadpool underroos!
[Deadpool]: I’ve had like–THREE action figures of me–and I heard they might make a PLUSH TOY, too! And T-Shirts, so…so…so THERE!
[Deadpool]: Okay, fine, you win that round! But I’ve killed like HUNDREDS more people than you have!
[Spider-Man]: And that’s supposed to be a PLUS, you’re thinking?

Irene, sitting in Deadpool’s apartment, calls Cable, worried that the Spider-Man/Deadpool fight is going to get out of hand.

CABLEPOOL:
[Cable is monitoring the Spider-Man/Deadpool fight]
[Irene]: Oh, you trust Wilson won’t put CIVILIANS in jeopardy just to cover his butt?
[Cable]: As a matter of fact, YES, I do.
[Irene]: Nate, whatever you have planned here, it better be worth giving your pet MANIAC such a LONG leash!
[Cable]: It is, and TRUST me… the leash has always come equipped with a choke collar…

SPIDEYPOOL/FOURTH WALL:
[Deadpool]: Ow! Ow and ow! You got the powers of a friggin’ SPIDER–how can you hit so HARD? When’s the last time a spider tossed out a knockout punch?
[Spider-Man]: PROPORTIONATE strength of a spider.
[Deadpool]: What the heck does that mean? And why the heck are they all cheering for YOU! They used to HATE you!
[Spider-Man]: I EARNED their TRUST.
[Deadpool]: Bull-hockey. I just think it’s those Tobey doe- eyes
[Spider-Man]: I’m an AVENGER now and you’ll always be a punk!
[Deadpool]:They let ANYONE be an Avenger now! I heard Black Talon is an Avenger!

Spider-Man knocks Deadpool, sending him into a crowd of civilians.

CABLEPOOL/SPIDEYPOOL/HERO:
[Cable]: Too much TEMPTATION…Wade, don’t do it…
[Deadpool grabs the arm of one of the woman near him]: C'mere a sec, sweetie. I’m not gonna hurt you…then again, my threshold for pain is probably a bit higher than yours…
[Spider-Man]: Don’t do it, Deadpool!
[Deadpool]: Do what? Let you punch me in the face some more, okay, I won’t do that. I wasn’t using guns here–or swords– I’m not killing anyone here–I got hired to do a job. That’s all I’m trying to do–

Cable and Gareb use their technology to reach out to Ken’s phone and text him a message that Deadpool can help him with his investigation. Ken comes out and stops the fight.

HERO:
[Spider-Man]: What about that guy he threw off the bridge?
[Deadpool]: I knew you were there all along. I thought we established that earlier when I was both surprised and relieved to find out you’d caught him. Did I just say that out loud?

The story gets published, the government project, which would have been used to cut off Providence from the rest of the world, is scraped, and Deadpool got to have a mission, carefully monitored by Cable, of course.

CABLEPOOL:
[Irene]: And you’re okay with Wilson using innocent civilians?
[Cable]: But he DIDN’T hurt anyone, did he?
[Irene]: But he was GOING to!
[Cable]: But he didn’t.
[Irene]: Because YOU took the choice out of his hands!
[Cable]: It’s called being a good friend.
[Irene]: You could rationalize anything.
[Cable]: I could have activated our mutual bodyslide at any time–teleported Wade out of harm’s way.
[Irene]: You mean out of harming someone else.

[The final Spideypool interaction for a while…]