project verbaldeadwood

Into that little corner we go, you and I. And then we shall continue the journeys that we long to pursue and the stories that we long to unravel. We shall defy time and space and distance and pain and longing. In that little corner where we can share joys and solitudes and the unfurling sojourn in different times and spaces and distances and pains and longings, we shall curl and continue the journeys a page at a time. And in this little corner that is my life, I will wait for your return.

Chuck Palahniuk, in Invisible Monsters, explores the desire of humans to be the center, to be in the limelight. And somehow, this is almost always true. People have a tendency to crave for attention. Just like, in his book, it was said that hysteria is not for oneself but for other people to see, because only then will the performance be valid and worthy, it is by nature that people want other people to look at them and watch. People only find their capabilities useful and people only see the validity of their actions when there is an audience admiring and applauding and praising and worshipping them. Sometimes, it is OK because nobody wants to feel alone and unappreciated, but at times, some people become too desperate for spotlight that they might as well beg for it.

2

I wonder how trees survive the weather. It is raining hard and they’re out there, enduring the coldness and all. I wonder how they could stand still as they see the world cry in front of them. I wonder how they manage to cope, seeing how people come and go, how they stand and break, and how everything stops amid the pouring rain. I wonder how they could stand tall when everything else seems to give up so easily.

This is the statue from Cavite State University. I am a product of that one state university in the historic town of Cavite. I am proud. I am where I am now because I am a product of this institution. I have endured the hardships both of financial constraints of my family and the system that I have to be a part of because of that. I went on with my undergraduate studies and finished my course with pride. I will not allow anyone to judge me on the basis of the university from where I received my degree because it shouldn’t be the basis. I would not care if people from known universities would shove to my face the name that their school carries because I know that I was honed in this university where people would not be allowed to be stepped on. At the end of the day, it will always be up to how you carry yourself and how you show to the world that you are one proud addition to the working force of the country. It will not be your school and not even your grades and honors that shall be the basis of your brand in the society; the basis shall be your capability to beat the odds and be triumphant over the challenges the world throws at you. 

I was there standing on my little spot. That was my share and it was just fine with me. I make little movements comfortably, thinking that it would be best for me to move a little but stay there. I am better off away from all the pain. The world spins and I stay put, enjoying my little space. People come, people go, and still, I am not going anywhere. This is where I am safe. But then, in just a snap, I’m going to the open and risking myself to get exposed to everything again. Sure, it would be painful, but hey, this time, it is worth it. 

(photo from arielmagyawejr)

2

The sea reminds me of those days when we are still remembering each other. Time indeed changes things, and unfortunately, how we used to be really close is part of that inevitability. I would always look at the sea with a glint of hope that things between us will be alright, even though the stillness of the waves tell me that it’s not gonna happen.

6

Whenever I would look at my past, I always end up looking at you.

You have always been special for me since Grade 5. I was really this little torpedo back then. I wrote you a letter, and in return, I received a letter of rage from your best friend, stating that I should stay away from you, all in red ink.

It was years ago and look at us now. We are friends and that is something, isn’t it? I think that the most valuable relationship is friendship because it can take shape in practically any kind. I am happy with that. Besides, we have our lives to live now. We have these lives that we have to unfortunately tread apart.

I don’t wanna go ahead and dictate things to the future. I am open for possibilities even if you’re not. People can be waiting for both of us soon in our different paths to take. You are leaving and so am I. So I don’t know. All I am saying is, I did enjoy our little moment. I think I have one small day to look forward next year.

You were among the dancers that twirl onstage with angst and beauty. Your every turn sends me into ecstasy. Your vibrant smile as you pirouette into a tale told in a series of repertoire brings eternal joy to my heart longing to finally have you in my embrace. You were an epitome of timeless beauty, of a certain beauty that traveled ages after ages and still managed to stand out among the rest. You were among those dancers that were twirling and spinning with composure and drama that only the women of the past can portray. You were among them, but still, you stood out. You were the star of my weary night.

(This dance is Las Panderetas from the Maria Clara suite.)

Come with me and let me be your felix felicis. You don’t really have to be with someone else just for you to be lucky. You just have to be with me. Come and share with me those memories we planned to build. Don’t forget how we used to share all those happy pieces that create a big picture of you with me and me with you. You don’t really have to go. Stay with me forever. Let me be your felix felicis. Let me give you that happiness you’ve always wanted. Please.

2

As I child, I would play with these little toys and would make stories out of them, each one acting out a certain character. I miss those good ol’ days when my only problems were what would be the conflict in my little story and how would it be solved, different from how yesterday’s conflict was driven to finality. I miss my childhood. I miss how I suddenly travel into another world while just lying in my room with these miniature toys. I miss my monologues and my make-shift realm. I miss the past. I miss what I once thought was an easy life.

2

We see things in perspectives. The way I see the skies may not exactly be how you see it. Our views vary. Despite that, I was hoping that, at the very least, no matter how we see things, we would arrive at one point, that the world is a pool of beauty. We ought to share that. We are meant to live in this sheer majesty together.

I came across The Book of Answers while I was in the bookstore earlier to buy a copy of MPHFPC. I asked the question that has been bugging me the whole day, opened the book, and this is what I got.

Indeed, this is subject to different interpretations. It could mean that I shouldn’t pursue this because it is just not worth the struggle. But then, it could also mean that I shouldn’t struggle on thinking too much because it is not worth it. Instead, I should just let go of all the worries and go for it. It could be that.

At the end of the day, it won’t matter because it is up to your perspective. How you see things shall matter more than anything else. Will you dwell on the negative meanings or will you see things at its brighter side? It will always be up to you.

Screw signs. I’m pushing this through. After all, it is what I wanted.

I wish that, when I look at the world upside down, every bad thing would be good. Every pain would be ecstatic. Every sorrow would be joy. Every heartbreak would become the most wonderful feeling in the world. But then, if I choose that, happiness would be misery. Love would be hate. And the world will be more unbearable than it already seems to be. So I don’t know.

Memories are like strings that connect us from people and places and dates and events and circumstances. Even though there are things that we’d rather forget, even if it hurts when we remember some of them, even if we only end up feeling bad for longing something from the past that we can never have again, I think we still ought to treasure these memories because, while we can’t go back, we can always take them with us forever.

Sometimes, it would be nice to just lay down and appreciate sadness. We can choose to linger into nostalgia and stay there a little longer than usual. We can be sad, you know. Otherwise, we wouldn’t appreciate happiness. Just don’t stay sad forever to the point that you don’t know the difference anymore.