prodigal son

Gender Journey Story (for anon)

I can’t say that I felt like someone else since “ever”. My story starts late, and it’s starts with Billy. I was in love with this song at the time, Billy by James Blunt. More specifically, I was in love with the lyrics,

“Tomorrow comes, sorrow becomes his soulmate
The damage is done, the prodigal son is too late
Old doors are closed but he’s always open
to relive time,
in his mind
Oh, Billy”

So, I made my Twitter name “Billy”. I was 16, I had just left school, and had time to actually think about things. School kept me busy from thinking. So when I left, I had a lot of time to think. So it started creeping in. I don’t recall feeling dysphoria ever until I was 16 and out of traditional school.

So Billy was born and I called him an “alter ego”. I would tweet as Billy, but always be sure to say he was just an alter ego.

Then my friend Jennifer and I started hanging out again. We’d go to the mall, id eat Chipotle, and then when I was done, we’d pass by this men’s Italian suit store. And I’d stop, and feel this aching feeling. And we’d stare at the suits. And I wouldn’t dare say anything too revealing of my feelings. But it became routine. Mall, Chipotle, Suit Store. And each and every time the aching would intensify. But I wouldn’t dare talk about it to anyone.

Billy went away when I got my first boyfriend. Somehow, for the most part, so did the dysphoria. Now maybe, mixed with the fact that I didn’t feel it until I was 16, and the fact that it went away for a little while, you may say it’s not a valid struggle or feeling. To this I simply say, it is not your place to comment on.

I suppose I was distracted. I was happy! And I of course couldn’t be a guy when I was a girlfriend. So for almost two years, I was dysphoria free. I had a rocky, on-and-off relationship with my boyfriend at the time, so on one of our last “on” periods, I told him. I told him I felt like a guy inside. He’d told me prior that he’d love me no matter what I said. But, once I said it, he told me he couldn’t be with me if I was going to be a guy. “I’m not pansexual,” he’d told me. So I told him that I wasn’t going to do anything. I wasn’t going to transition or even act like a guy. We stayed together but then broke up later on (over different reasons).

Once I was free of him for good, I started to feel it again. There was this userbox “This user is ftm transgender” and I reblogged it, saying i was reblogging it so my ftm trans friends could see it and reblog it. But I also made a bold decision and said it was my biggest secret that I secretly too felt trans. It was the first time I ever spoke of it.

I got a few anons asking me about it. I started letting go of the grip I had on the secret. Over the course of a couple of months I tried out different gender labels and pronouns. I cut my hair and stopped doing so much makeup. I bought masculine clothes. Billy was officially born. And it felt great. I felt free.

Except I wasn’t. Only Jennifer knew out of my real life friends and family. I never got any questions. I think everyone in my family was too stunned to ask. Or too busy–I never have settled on a theory. So I constantly was feeling worried about getting questions and I constantly was upset that I wasn’t being seen as a guy in real life. I was living two lives, it felt.

I had great support online! Great support that I’m still grateful for til this day. But I couldn’t live life as a masculine girl in real life and a trans guy online. And that’s just about where and why this story ends. I can’t say it ends with me coming out. I can’t say it ends with me getting on T. It ends with me reverting back. I go by a feminine name now, I do a full-face of makeup, and I am referred to as she/her.

In another life, I always say. In another life I was a cis guy. Or, better yet, in another life I was a brave trans guy, and I came out, and I got on T.

But it’s not another life. It’s this life. And in this life I’m too fearful of, well, everything. God’s judgement. Living two lives. Coming out to my family. I wish I had a bad a better ending to share.

Thank you for reading.

This afternoon, I was able to complete my Then and Now photo with Robert Sean Leonard. 15 years ago, I skipped my high school senior prom to travel to NYC to see him in The Invention of Love and today, I saw him in Prodigal Son. Such a nice guy and an amazing actor. He took his glasses off for the photo. 1. He didn’t have to do that and 2. It was probably the most adorable thing to see lol