I keep installing and deleting tumblr. Installing because I’m bored/need it because I have run out of a physical journal. Deleting because I end up procrastinating for hours. Of course the hours spent here are worthy. Tumblr makes me smile when I feel like autumn leaves in sticky, squelchy mud.
.-. There’s a tiny whiny mosquito biting my arm. I don’t know about you, but the country I’m living in makes tennis bats,the catch is that the mesh is electric. Muhahaha! Zap! zap! Die you suckers! It’s actually quite satisfying and could perhaps form a challenging hobby. But I just bashed its guts, blood and innards onto my forehead with my palm. Ew.
I’m kind of content that I can understand what I’m writing. It has taken me almost over 12 years of studying the English language to be able to produce this level of shitty writing. Seriously, I should be proud. Such dedication from me should get a round of applause.
I was going to sleep. In fact, I had fallen asleep when my mind started listing the various reasons as to why I shouldn’t get married any soon :
1. We’re too young to marry. My ideal age would be 27. I want to finish my bachelor’s degree at least. I want to be a little educated, a little cultured, I want to be someone worthy of having you. And I want you to try the same.
2. I haven’t even lived my life under my rules. You’ve travelled, you’ve gotten drunk, partied. I haven’t done anything. I just want to travel. Im not particularly interested in alcohol or men. I mean, I’m 24 and I still live in my parent’s house. Do I know anything about the world? no? I don’t know? why are you asking me?
3. Think logically. Look up marriage on wikipedia. Why are we going to get married? Neither of us have jobs. Neither of us wants to have children now. I don’t want to live at your parent’s house and I definitely do not want you suffering like me in this hell hole. Neither of us have a cent to our names. Our parents pay for everything we do. We’re like… babies! people get married when they’re adults and they can… you know! ADULT.
4. I’m mentally scarred, I’m annoying as fuck, I’m bitchy and evil, I have commitment issues…like dude, serious commitment issues, much worse than yours, that runs deep like the roots of a banyan tree. It’s an Indian fig tree. I’m not Indian, I’m like a neighboring country’s citizen… still. I hate it here, don’t come here. This place? it has too many issues like my poor heart.
You have issues that I need you to tame a little, for example, getting too emotional and clingy when I’m sick. I’m sick, pookie, I can’t do much to help you.
5. When you say the word “marriage”, my heart pounds so hard that I can hear the blood rush in my veins, I can run like Bolt, just on the opposite direction though.
6. I love you. And you love me. I don’t like our families. Can we be stable first, stand on our petite feet? and maybe apply for citizenship elsewhere?
7. I love you. And you love me, a lot. I hope you’ll understand that I’m not ready to be in your presence 24/7 and 365 days a year plus the extra day on leap year. Maybe I can do a one third of that. I like my solitude. Still.
8. I need time to heal my scars and when you ask “what’s wrong baby?”, and I begin to tell you but then feel you push me away when you push my problems away cause you ask me to relax and just be when I’m going crazy, it hurts. If you would like me to relax, leave me alone in a dark box with a blanket and a bottle of water for a few weeks. I’ll be very much at peace.
9. We need to learn more about each other before we make such a serious decision. Some of the conversations we’ve had made me realize how little we know about each other.
10. When I’m mad, I need space, a little emptiness to cool down in rather than someone to prod or lick my wounds. The more I think about what is agitating me the more agitated I get. Eventually, it turns out that because you’re the one who’s trying to help me figure out the problems, you’re the one that gets hurt the most. I bite. Beware. Maintain your distance when I’m upset, and know we can always solve things when I calm down. We have forever, right?
11. I’m just not ready to marry. Probably won’t be ready next year either, but who knows, we’ve changed and grown so much together. I’m not going to lose hope, I hope nor will you. Maybe I’ll figure things out, maybe you’ll do the same. I’m always with you, always going to be your support.
Reasons why I should marry you tomorrow :
1. I want to be with you solely and with no other, ever.
2. You’re a very cute and intelligent catch.
3. We look adorable together.
4. You’re incredibly good at cuddling…and ahem! other things too.
5. When I hold you I feel at home, at peace. I feel safe. I feel loved and cared for deeply. Holding you is like holding myself, we’re like one.
6. You understand me like no other, even if you are a bit slow. But, I’d rather slow than never at all.
7. I want to have your kids. I want you to be my kid. I want to love you in every way possible.
8. We have much to do together.
9. We’re crazy. For each other, for our dreams and the things we believe in, the things we do together.
10. I’ll never find anyone exactly like you. Which will make me sad if I don’t have your hands to hold.
11. I sleep the best next to you.
12. Hopefully our genetic material is enough dis-similar for very cute, kind and wise human beings.
13. You smell heartbreakingly good. No, it’s not your perfume. It’s your skin, sweat, pheromones etc.
I hope everything works out.
I miss you. I like my bed though. It’s half yours and half mine. Bottom mattress is the one you used to sleep in when you lived here.
It’s sad how you had to move out when I moved into the neighbourhood.
Wait for me. It’ll be worth it. I promise.