problems with having a cannibal dad

Weird Things My Friends Have Said in College
  • “I hear that flinging your mail into the ether is usually a far more efficient means of delivery than the postage system.”
  • “I have more chins than friends.”
  • “Internal bleeding: that’s the best kind!”
  • “Somebody frisbee toss me into the sun.”
  • “How you doin’, floor monster?”
  • “I was trying to be a spider monkey, but then I got weird and scared.” *proceeds to hop*
  • “I’m not going to yell. I’m going to dad.”
  • “I just got dismissed by Ferris Bueller and I’m about to have a fit.”
  • “Somebody give me a cheat sheet for Catholicism.”
  • “50% cannibalism is still cannibalism.”
  • “I love you, slinky cat.”
  • “Easy for you to say, penguin boy!”
  • “I got two reasons not to go there again: ferrets and cops.”
  • “I love screaming into the piano.”
  • “I’m drowning my problems with gummy bears.”
  • “Don’t take the plants! This is plagiarism!”
  • “I wasn’t twerking. It was just a general waving of the behind.”
  • “I wish I had the body of a dorito.”
  • “If I look at it hard enough, maybe I’ll break out into hives.”
  • “It’s kind of like getting gangbanged by rain.”
  • “Conclusion: the sky is a blueberry.”
  • “My one true religion is memes.”
  • “I wanna have mushrooms grow out of me. What a great way to go.”
  • “Who needs YOLO? I have sandwiches.”
  • “There clearly is an alpha in the pack of feral children.”
  • “He dead, fam. You killed him. He has no nipples.”
  • “That probably has a higher chance of being published than Satan’s cock.”
  • “My island is being fat.”
  • “I need to run laps around the solar system.”
  • “I may be drunk, but I’m still right about yams.”
  • “They thirst for Canadian blood.”
  • “I’m waiting for Caleb to come out as a fictional character.”
  • “My phone just died. Either that, or my dumplings are vibrating.”
  • “Blue eyes are a disease. Somebody strip away my rights.”
  • “How can bacteria not get killed by an antibiotic?” “They form their own militia?”
  • “My love for you is like a hydrogen bond. It doesn’t actually exist.”
  • “Is that a hickey?” “No. Someone tried to kill me.”
  • “I don’t like saying the word ‘panini’ out loud. It sounds like a dirty word.”
  • “I need an orifice to scream into.”
  • “Sorry. My internal monologue is also an external monologue.”
  • “I made a Spongebob reference. Can I join the cool kids club now?”
  • “This is not how you birth a baby. Do not bring chainsaws into the delivery room, please.”
  • “Get in the fucking cup! You’re a fish! I’m a human! I know what’s best for you!”
  • “I’m gonna go into the men’s room and fight him!
  • “On my suicide note I’m gonna write: ‘This is for cheese’, and let them wonder!”
  • “Get under the bed where you belong, heathen!”
  • “Okay, guys, what Hogwarts House is mayonnaise?”
  • “Unbind me so I can get my grubby little hands on all those fucking books.”
  • “We don’t measure ice cream in pints. We measure it in panic attacks!”
  • “I never smelled a crying person!”
  • “Dead people don’t want tea.”
  • “How do you cite memes in MLA format?”
  • “You know it’s gonna be a bad day when I’m getting teary over the retirement of a Crayola crayon.”
  • “Shannon is just a formality. Daddy is my real name.”
  • “I think your biggest character flaw is your love of tarantulas.”
  • “If I ever fucking met Plato, I’d kick his legs in.”
  • “I don’t care what you say, Martin. God is not a food-processor.”
  • “Hey, I lost my letter opener, so when we get back to my room, drop your pants.”
  • “You supply the memes. I’ll supply the condoms.”
  • “You know this probably isn’t a smart idea ‘cause I’m lactose intolerant, but like… milk proteins.”
  • “Every kiss begins with K, but so does kinky.”
  • “If you think about it, God is the ultimate daddy.” “Why? Because he keeps fucking me over?”
  • “That’s why I drink tea, so I don’t turn into a goat.”
  • “The ancient Greeks were real fuckboys, but you know who’s the biggest fuckboy? Zeus.”
  • “I don’t care. I’ll duct tape Lindsay to my door too.”
  • “I know for a fact that no one burned down an entire city over a boner.”
  • “There are two benefits to submitting a paper in comic sans. One: you get to meme. Two: your classmates will beat you to death so you don’t have to suffer anymore. You get to die for the memes! What a great way to go.”
  • “English isn’t my first language. Dabbing is.” *epic dab*
  • “Why does this place smell like depression?” “He does realize this is a college campus, right?”
  • “You are the walking embodiment of ‘yikes.’”
  • “Your dingle dangle is not a frisbee.”
  • “Now I’ve got to kink shame humanity.”
  • “I’m more afraid of lemons than I am of the dark.”
  • “I’m feeling Hamlet-y. Wake up in the morning feeling… Like killing myself and/or my uncle who’s also my dad.”
  • “I want your genome.”
  • “I prefer you with clothes on. In fact, extra layers, because I have a fetish for onions.”
  • “I don’t believe in glasses. I’m waiting till marriage.”