Best Pun Ever

Mallory and Mark Kensington were two star struck lovers who had been married for 12 years. Mallory was a commercial airline pilot and Mark was the captain of a nuclear submarine. They were both very responsible with their money, lived simply, had no children, and no vices. The only exception to their frugality was their dog Max whom they doted on at every possible occasion. Unfortunately for Max, fate had terrible plans in store for him. One dark August day, Mallory and Mark were both at their respective jobs and in a cruel twist of fate suffered major mechanical failures at the same time. In a million to one oddity, they both perished in the astonishing first-of-its-kind airplane/submarine accident.

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College Confession #87

My boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue, shortly after I’d turned 19. His four roommates, around the same time, had started to get annoyed with him about other stuff, and they were all buddies of mine as we’d partied together in residence. So I go out to the strip club one night with a couple girlfriends and run into those guys and they start shit talking my ex, telling me I deserve better. My already drunk self allows them to buy me a ton of tequila shots. Enough that I get up on stage and take off all my clothes, participating in amateur night. This is extremely out of character for me because I am a fairly innocent honors student who doesn’t drink very much. So anyway, I win the $500 cash prize for the night and the ex walks in, to meet his roommates, as I’m up on stage getting my prize.

He then decided to tell me how embarrassing that was for him, as if expecting an apology for me having fun but I refused to give it. Fast forward to a year and a half later where I have a new, great guy in my life, and he still tries to get me to hook up with him every few weeks. 

- Michigan State University

The Signs as Problematic BB19 Behaviours
  • Aquarius: Making victim noises
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  • Pisces: Throwing a hot sauce pickle juice concoction in someone's eyes
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  • Aries: Using your illness as a ploy to receive unwavering attention
  • -
  • Taurus: Somehow thinking your recent weight-loss surgery in Tijuana would nab you a sympathy vote
  • -
  • Gemini: Crushing someone's foot and ending their career
  • -
  • Cancer: Taking the golden berry and sabotaging the rest of your team so you're safe
  • -
  • Leo: Having grey hair and it being the most interesting thing about you because you have about as much personality as an empty tissue box
  • -
  • Virgo: Using terms like 'friendship' and 'your boy' like they're going out of style
  • -
  • Libra: Hosting an iconique should-be-Emmy-nominated late night talk show that pisses everyone off for no reason
  • -
  • Scorpio: "New phone, who this?"-ing someone right after they return from getting surgery
  • -
  • Sagittarius: Accepting a cash prize and letting S*tan himself enter the game
  • -
  • Capricorn: Cody

anonymous asked:

Do you know of any 8th year fics that deal with quidditch? I cant seem to find any. Thank you!

HEY so I’m going to totally use this ask as an opportunity to list all of my favorite quidditch-related fics, eighth year and otherwise. Sorry but THAT’S JUST THE LIST THAT I FEEL INSPIRED TO MAKE RIGHT NOW SO I’M GOING TO DO IT BECAUSE I RUN THIS BLOG MUAHAHAHAHA (I will make sure to note all of the eighth year ones though!)

Drarry and Quidditch

Seeker, Chaser, Keeper by VivacissimoVoce (59K)- Rumor has it that a wealthy investor is starting up a brand new professional Quidditch team and he’s looking for players. Harry and Draco both want to make the team, but there can be only one Seeker. Will competing for the position bring them closer or drive them further apart?
This fic is great and one of my favorite quidditch-themed fics! If you’re looking for quidditch quidditch quidditch, this would definitely be one of my top picks. I don’t want to spoil the result of the tryouts, but trust me it’s wonderful!

Against All Odds by momatu (54K)- Beauxbatons is hosting the first ever Quidditch Summer School for children from all over Europe, and Harry has promised to enroll Teddy as his birthday present. Meanwhile, Draco is stuck in his office, putting together the first ever Quidditch Summer School for children from all over Europe during, when he should be enjoying summer holidays.
This fic is freaking AMAZING. The romance is so damn good. SO GOOD MUCH ROMANCE!! And it features Teddy!!! I seriously love everything about it and it is one of my all time favorites <3 Draco is running a quidditch school and Harry is a last minute emergency addition to the staff ;)

To the Winner Go the Spoils by MiladyMorningstar (5K)- He caught the snitch. He caught the snitch. Bloody buggering fucking shit; he actually fucking won! He has a prize to cash in.
Draco places a bet on the outcome of the annual Slytherin/Gryffindor quidditch game: If he wins, a certain bespectacled, green-eyed Gryffindor has to do whatever Draco says. And Draco has an awful lot to say.

This fic is short and pretty much a PWP, but it does feature a quidditch game (upon which an amazing bet is placed) and DAMN IT’S HOT. Possibly Eighth Year

The Bet by firethesound (6K)- Harry really should know better than to make any sort of bet with a Slytherin.
This is another fic with an amazing bet placed on the outcome of a quidditch game, but rather than being a PWP, it is just SO SWEET AND FLUFFY AND CUTE ^-^ Eighth Year!

A Series of Malfoy Events by lomonaaeren (59.5K)- Harry saves Draco’s life. That should be the end of it. Except it isn’t, because Draco keeps coming up with crazy things—and Harry goes along with it because he can’t wait to see what Draco’s going to come up with next.
This fic was hilarious and fluffy and ridiculous and I loved it. Draco is the only (professional) quidditch player, but his games feature pretty heavily in the plot!

(Un)calculated Risk by @l0vegl0wsinthedark (7K)- He thought about the way Harry looked at him, smiled at him; about the way Draco’s head was nearly always full of him, all day every day, and about the way Draco sometimes deliberately went to bed still smelling of him, refusing to acknowledge what it meant – because he already fucking knew what it meant. What all of it meant. And then Draco decided, fuck it, he was going to risk it. They were going to risk it together, Harry and Draco.
This is a LOVELY little fic with amazing smut and an amazing game of quidditch at the end, in which Harry plays to win both the game AND DRACO’S HEART <3. Eighth Year!

Because It’s Raining by @gracerene09 (3K)- Harry doesn’t care if it’s raining and it’s “not a real game”, he’s not letting Draco catch the Snitch.
Part of the wonderful gift-to-this-world series 50 Reasons to Have Sex, Harry and Draco finish a quidditch scrimmage alone after everyone else goes inside and then Harry has a GLOVE (and also a Malfoy) KINK <3 Eighth Year!

The Swaggering Plimpies (or This One Time, At Quidditch Camp…) by RurouniHime (29.5K)- Draco has an idea, and Harry’s just the one to help him.
This fic is adooooorable and even though Harry and Draco are coaches (for their kids) instead of players, there’s lots and lots of Quidditch and the kids are lovely and it’s all so sweet and COME ON THEY’RE CO-COACHES!!! :D

Fuck You/Thank You by lq_traintracks (2K)- Merlin, no one pisses Harry off like this arsehole. No one in the five years he’s been reffing. Not in the twenty-five years he played the game himself. No one ever.
CLASSIC hot angry quidditch locker room sex. Harry is a player and Draco is the referee and THAT’S ALL I’M GONNA SAY READ THIS.

Seeing Stars (brighter than the constellations) by @carpemermaidtales (7.5K)- After “accidentally” overhearing a rumour that Harry Potter is hung, Draco cashes in a few favours to ensure he’s the reporter doing the Puddlemere United post-game interview with the team’s prized Seeker in the team locker room.
As you can probably guess, the quidditch here is secondary to the amazing hilarious dialogue and the freaking hot smut, but the interview is ostensibly about quidditch so I say it counts!!!

One More Time (Let’s Do It Again) by huldrejenta (6K)- Draco preferred his life free from the unforeseen and the uncontrollable. Surely he could handle Potter, though, friends with benefits or not. But since when had anything involving Potter gone according to plan?
A sweet, slow-feeling (despite being pretty short) fic in which Draco and Harry are forced to work together to train a new group of professional seekers. Contains pining pining pining!

Body Logic by unbroken_halo (13K)- There’s one thing that’s keeping Harry from propositioning Draco, not the least of which is the pain in his arse.
Harry is a professional quidditch player and Draco is his team’s FREAKING MASSAGE THERAPIST!!! And Harry has sexy tattooooooooos <3


Project: Scrapbook — Horrificator (Part One)

Project: Scrapbook Masterpost (tbp)

Comic By: @daughterofthestars08 (lineart) & @artgraveyard (lineart and color) & @chalala-chan (color) 

Written By: @purr-cat-stinate & @mimosaeyes

Beta’d By: @miraculousandcute & @emeralddrop

Summary: N/A

Words: 5671

Despite the chilly season, the sun was already gracing the citizens of Paris with its warm rays of sunlight that poured from the clouds down onto the earth. It was a lovely day, perfect for picnics, and walks in the park. It was a lovely day to discover something new; or perhaps to create something new.

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Harry Houdini vs. the Ghost Whisperers,

Today it’s not uncommon for popular magicians to devote their time debunking woo peddlers and bullshit artists like psychics, faith healers, quack doctors, and others selling fakery in order to make a quick and easy buck.  Some examples that easily come to mind are magicians such as Penn and Teller and or course James “The Amazing” Randi.  The tradition of magicians debunking con artists goes back to the legendary Harry Houdini, who in the 1920′s made it a personal crusade to shut down spiritualists who claimed to be able to communicate with the dead.

In the late 19th and early 20th century spiritualism was reaching the height of its popularity.  Spiritualists claimed that they could communicate with the dead, often through a ritual called a seance. People would sit around a table in a dark room with a medium, and during the seance odd events would happen. The table would move without any noticeable force acting on it, weird sounds would be emitted from the walls, sometimes strange lights and apparitions would appear, or people could feels phantom objects brushing up against them. The medium would then convey a message from a dead loved one, and with all the paranormal things that occurred a client, who often paid a large sum of money, was left doubtless that the whole event was legit. As a result, spiritualist mediums became superstars of the day, and thousands of people believed that they were the real deal.

Harry Houdini despised mediums, recognizing their fraudulent methods as mere tricks and carny trash. Houdini himself once dabbled in spiritualism, but quit when he found using trickery to take money from grieving people extremely distasteful.  Houdini was also a grieving man who had a close relationship with his mother who passed away in 1913. It angered him to no end that such flim flammers, con artists, and frauds were preying upon innocent people who just wanted to talk to their loved ones again. Thus, in the 1920′s Houdini set out on a personal crusade to expose the mediums as humbuggery. 

Thus in the 1920′s Houdini cut back on his magic and escape acts and being hosting special shows where he would expose mediums. He did this by offering a cash prize if any medium could prove that their claims were true.. Often the medium would come on stage in front of an audience, demonstrating his or her powers and creating wondrous supernatural feats.  Houdini would then come on stage and replicate those feats with equal of even better quality, then reveal how they were done. It was through this method that Houdini was able to debunks dozens of popular spiritualist mediums, as well as other tricksters like Jaquin Argamasilla, a Spanish man who claimed he could see the numbers on dice through a box with his “X-ray eyes”.

Unfortunately Houdini’s crusade against the mediums cost him one of his best friends, author Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, who was a passionate believer in spiritualism. Doyle believed that Houdini was a genuine medium who was using his powers to eliminate his competition. 

Today in celebration of Houdini’s crusade, magicians often hold mock seances in honor of Houdini.  Houdini’s offering of cash prizes would also become inspiration for James Randi’s “Million Dollar Challenge”, which is offered to anyone who has paranormal or supernatural claims. No one has every successfully claimed the prize.

I competed in a beat battle last Friday in front of 300 people and producers Ryan Lewis and Sango last Friday. I lost in the second round. The winner got a cash prize and a slot at Upstream Festival next month.

I was upset that I lost but the people I met that night and the doors it opened up for me were worth it.

Then, as I was leaving, the event organizers pulled me aside and told me that they were going to try to still put me in the festival. I was taken back, for I just expected them to contact me for a future gig, not get me my own set. I was doubtful they would get me in, but I received a text that night from them telling me that I, chong the nomad, will be in the lineup for Seattle’s Upstream Festival in Pioneer Square.

It took me a while to get there, but I’m performing a set with my music in a fucking huge festival next month.

I have no idea where the future is going, but for once, it looks so bright.

Lucky - Jeff Atkins

Haiii!! I love your blog BTW! May I please have a Jeff Atkins imagine where y/n is a really good singer so as a surprise, he goes to one of her performances (she sings at Monet’s as a job) and he starts cheering for her being so supportive? (If you do characteristics of the reader, can you make her darkskin, Ie, big puffy hair, “her chocolate skin seemed to shine under the lights”) if that is okay. And lastly, can she be singing any song of your choice! Thank you!-

hey b! thank you! so i basically did it but minus the characteristics just because i like to write it as neutral as i can! the song is lucky by jason mraz, i hope you enjoy!

“You really can’t make it?” i said, sighing into the phone.

i put my guitar into the case as i switched my phone to my other ear.

“I told you, baseball practice is running late because Monty didn’t show. I’m so sorry babe.” jeff sighed into the phone, i could hear that he was upset.

i took a deep breath before answering him, “Well it’s the thought that counts. I’m still gonna do great so sadly, you’ll have to miss another amazing performance.” 

he laughed before responding, “I’m sure I can get you to play me a song later. Good luck, you’re gonna kill it.” 

i smiled a bit, he is always so supportive. “I will. Have fun at practice!”

we said our goodbyes and i ended the call and finished getting ready.

monet’s was having an open mic night with a little bit of a cash prize and i knew there was no harm in at least trying. 

on my way over, i was still a little upset that jeff was going to miss another performance. everyone wants their significant other cheering them on when they do something they love. 

i settled down and watched the acts who were also amazing. once it was my turn jeff still wasn’t here.

i pouted a bit but hey, the show must go on.

i grabbed my guitar and as i got on stage. i quietly set up.

i starting the beginning of lucky by jason mraz and right before the chorus hit i heard the bell ring above the door.

i keep you with me in my heart, you make it easier when life gets hard. i looked over and smiled wide at him.

he gave me a thumbs up and stood to the side of the stage grinning. 

lucky I’m in love with my best friend
lucky to have been where I have been
lucky to be coming home again
i’m lucky we’re in love in every way
lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
lucky to be coming home someday

and i finished the rest of the song and heard jeff cheering the loudest. i hopped off the stool and walked over to him hugging him tightly.

he grabbed my guitar from me and hugged back, squeezing me tightly. 

he mumbled into my hair, you did amazing babe.

i smiled and pulled back, “i thought practice was running late?”

“i ran some extra laps to leave early, coach knew i came to practice early.” he said kissing my head. “Plus, I needed to see this beautiful performance from my beautiful singer.”

i smiled even more and hugged him again, “Well, lucky I’m in love with my best friend, right?”

he laughed, “Extra lucky.”

This one day holiday suck

My school is crap, they never think how burden for the student who lives 400 miles away from home,

It tooks 5 hours journey back and forth by bus, and they holiday was only from 20th to 22nd.
20th we left school about 4Pm, arrived the station around 9 to 10PM. We only spent only a day with a family and close friend nearby, which isnt enough, with tons of homeworks they asked us to do.

But honestly i never did one of the homework because i think the report need to analysis, not using my logical ideas. And I havent gone out to analyse the enterprise logo for my assignment because i have to go medical checkup. I hope this excuses will accept to my art teacher.

And the other thing, my school should have extended the holiday until monday because this monday is a public holiday for malaysian (idk if other country has it as well). But my school principal force us to come back to school this Saturday (which is today in my time) and attend school by tomorrow, if the student come back late they will mark as absent for no reason.
Which is really frustrating for a student who lives very far, that they need to come back to school before 6pm. If they late for just an hour, they will get blacklisted for having an outing with their family on weekends .

So yeah, im just ranting about my school. Which i really hate it so much because the system works are unacceptable. And one thing is my school is a scam as well, they took all the cash prizes from the student who have won the art contest, i was one of them as well. And i really dont want to participate any art contest under my school’s name because of that.

Bleh, enough of this talk.
My parents and I right now is dealing with the bus deiver

October Writing Contest

This month, the Royal Courier is issuing a writing challenge out to all of you, dear readers. Until October 25th, send us your spooky, thrilling, or even silly stories based around one of the pictures below. The winners will be published on October 31st.

The Problem with Murlocs

The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe

Ghost Wedding

In the Crypt

The winners will receive their story published, their picture accompanying it and a cash prize.

Good luck and good writing to all of you!

Send your submissions to:

October Writing Content
The Royal Courier
3 Stockade Lane
Stormwind City

(The ooc details

Contest Rules:

  1. No more than 1000 words.
  2. Story should either be set in one of the four locations, make mention of the items seen in one of the four pictures or incorporate the image as the beginning or end of the story.
  3. Use the Submit feature to enter
  4. Submission must be received by midnight pacific time on October 26th to qualify.

Make sure the following information is included with your submission:

  • In game name (including any alt codes)
  • tumblr address
  • IC Name (first and last, if applicable)


  • First Place: Your story published as the winner, your picture with the story, IC interview, 25,000 gold (ooc amount)
  • Second Place: Your story published as the 2nd place, your picture with the story, 10,000 gold (ooc amount)
  • Third Place: Your story published as the 3rd place, your picture with the story, 5,000 gold (ooc amount)
  • All others, published to our site on a special contest page.

Any questions contact @risrielthron. Good luck and we’re looking forward to reading all the submissions!)



Pairing: Taehyung/Reader

Summary: What happens when the school’s player ends up taking an interest in you?

Length: 8.7k words

“I don’t know Ji-yeon I don’t think I’d make a great partner for that.” I said shutting my locker and throwing my books in my bag. “Can’t you find someone else?”

“Come on Y/N the grand prize is almost $3,000, imagine if we win,” Ji-yeon groaned shaking my arm in frustration. “Please I’ll even pay for your fee to enter.” I rolled my eyes about to give her another no in response until I heard the first period bell ring and I shot her a smirk,

“Got to get to class don’t want to be late!” I teased pushing my way through the hundreds of students filling the halls. I heard her shouting over the crowd and I proudly smiled to myself for getting out of another one of her schemes she wanted me to partake in. Although Ji-yeon was my best friend, she certainly always got both of us into trouble. Back in freshman year she somehow managed to convince me to sneak into a bar with a fake ID she bought off some guy she met outside the mall, needless to say it obviously didn’t work and we were both grounded for the rest of the school year. Ever since then her shenanigans have gotten crazier and this idea just sounded like trouble to me. I made it to the English building and found my classroom, I made a beeline to my desk and got all my materials I needed for the period as the final bell rang signaling the start of class.

“Good morning class please turn to page 147 on your book, you will be working on this worksheet today,” Mrs. Kim announced, “Also I have the flyers for this years Senior Assassin competition, the prize is pretty big this year so take advantage.” My head shot up from my book and I waited patiently for a flyer to get around to my desk.

This is what Ji-yeon was talking about…

Grabbing it I scanned it reading the rules and details.

Senior Assassin Competition

Rules: You and your partner will be assigned two targets and you must eliminate them by shooting them with a nerf gun, you must do this outside of safe zones. Last team standing wins the cash prize.

Safe zones: School property, jobs, homes.

Please turn in the fee to participate by Friday. Targets for each team will be released on Monday. Good luck everyone!

“You gonna do it?” My classmate Yerin spoke up next to me getting my attention. I shrugged my shoulders, “I’m not so sure, Ji-yeon wants me to be her partner but I think I’ll pass.”

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BBCAN3 Press Release:

Following a coast-to-coast casting call, a new group of houseguests will move in to a recently renovated Big Brother Canada house outfitted wall-to-wall with cameras and microphones capturing their every move. 

BBCAN4 Press Release:

Following a coast-to-coast casting call, a new group of houseguests are moving into an overhauled Big Brother Canada house outfitted wall-to-wall with cameras and microphones capturing their every move. 

BBCAN5 Press Release:

Airing exclusively on Global, Big Brother Canada plucks a group of hand-picked strangers from their homes, sequesters them from the outside world, and places them inside a house outfitted wall-to-wall with cameras and microphones that capture their every move. Competing for a grand cash prize, each week the houseguests battle in a series of challenges that give them power or punishment, voting each other out until the fate of the final two is decided by a jury of fellow houseguests.

There is NO mention of ‘New HouseGuests’.

deadelectron  asked:

hello friend, since you're taking requests, how do feel about head canons of the losers in uni? Like what they study and stuff like that :))

thank you friend! :)

bill and eddie are the only losers to share a dorm. richie (passive aggressively) joked “if denbrough was gonna steal my boyfriend, i might as well bunk with mike. ain’t that right, hanlon?” ben and beverly had been dating his high school and bill beat richie to asking eddie to senior prom, and the boys have been together since

beverly is working towards a degree in fashion, interested in working in theater design. she befriends a group of girls with tattoos and piercings who dye beverly’s hair a different color every week. she loves drafting and sewing and sketching. bev also gets eddie and stan to model for her, sticking pins in them whenever they’re free, she insists they both have the “slim figure any women would dream of,”

mike is majoring in history and plays college football! he has a whole ride scholarship and is interested in being an archivist. he works at a little book store right outside of town where the shelves of books tower over even him and the smell of old paper and dust clog his nostrils and it’s unbearably warm, but he loves it. all the losers wear their team colors while supporting mike at his games and beverly and eddie paint each other’s faces. he’s also part of the black student alliance! mike is a busy boy with a busy schedule but always finds a way to attend a party

rich is interested in video game designing. he’s played so many games during his 18 years, and stan said no video game in the world could be top down, a scroller, a shooter, a great soundtrack, challenging, or have the extreme and detailed violence and gore that richie was looking for in a 8 bit style. so richie decided he had to make it himself. he’s on the math club and he kicks ass at ping pong and ultimate frisbee in the quad. he skateboarded every where by the way

bill changes his major twice during college but sticks with writing. the work is very easy for him and he loves reading out loud, even with his stutter. he also works on the school’s news paper! and is part of the french club!

eddie wants to be an elementary school teacher! he didn’t have any siblings of his own, but he loved being around georgie while he was growing up, but the boy is much older now. eddie has miles of patience for everyone besides richie, so he thinks it’s a good choice. he’s well organized and visits class rooms and student teaches and plays with children and he loves it. he also studies spanish in his free time!!!

ben is studying to be an architect!! he had an interest in art, drawing, mathematics, and this was the best he could wrap them up in. calculus was his favorite class and the work load was heavy so he didn’t really participate in any clubs, plus he liked beverly being the only one to see his poetry

stan is majoring in accounting!! he knows that keeping track of how well his favorite baseball team plays and predicting how will they do in the future is important for a big win,, so why not apply to same logic to his day to day life? of course his classes were boring, with creating balance sheets and practicing accounting information systems but the math came very easy to him and it wasn’t hard work. he also helped his friends with their monthly savings. he sits in at bill’s french club meetings when he is free but he is part of the photography club himself! he’s won little cash prizes entering his artistic shots of beautiful birds he’s found on campus

bill works at a coffee shop near campus and got eddie a job there, too. they both always make sure to save a table for their friends to study at, and on sometimes on thursday nights, ben recites his poetry there. when their friends are around, bill and eddie speak to each other in french and spanish and the rest of the losers hate it

the first college party they attended was around halloween time, richie and stan arrived separately, both wearing masks, and ended up making out in the bath room

stan has so many interests and swears he’s gonna join the tennis club next semester but no one really believes him

richie has a room mate who always stays over at his girlfriend’s dorm and richie hates being alone, so after mike’s had a late night and ready to get some rest, he finds richie curled up under his blankets. he never asks him to move and tries his best to climb into bed without waking him up. or !!! sometimes beverly wakes up to hear her shower running and richie singing loudly

he always bought stan a cup of coffee in the mornings and a pastry of some kind

mike always sat aside books that he thought stan or ben would have an interest in or needed for a course, and he always gave them a friendly discount

feel free to add on! i would love to read what u guys come up w