My life has turned into a horror show, and all I can do is stand back and watch it play out.
My baby has no brain.
I am a damn neurosurgeon, and my baby has no brain.
I would say God has a sense of humor, but there is no God.
No God would do this.
Just stop it.
Just don’t look at me with your pity and guilt.
I can’t take it anymore.
Every time I look at you, I see that perfect, healthy baby attached to your hip, and he smiles, and you smile, and all of that joy makes me want to scream and claw your eyes out and rip that child from your hands.
I am so angry at you. And jealous of you. Of this life, this– this dream of a life you have.
I wish I could be happy for you, but I can’t.
I can’t because I hate you, Addison.
I hate you, and I don’t have room for that on top of all the bitterness and pain that is burying me every single day.
I don’t– I have no more room. I don’t know if I’m gonna make it through this.
But I know I can’t do it with you around.
So you need to stay the hell away from me.
Just go away.
Amelia Shepherd, Private Practice season 5 episode 19
I’m a worrier. I know you know that about me, but most people don’t. Professionally, I’m very confident. But personally, I spend a lot of time worrying about what’s happening in my life and what isn’t happening, what could’ve happened but didn’t. I like to think it makes me more prepared. I don’t ever want to be blindsided, and if I’m ready.. Well it’s good to be prepared and I am very prepared.
Addison Montgomery, Private Practice season 5 episode 18
Note- there will be absolutely no bashing of Meredith or Amelia in this post. I love them both too much to even articulate and this episode illuminated a lot about both of them for me. So I’ll continue. But no bashing.
SO. As much as we (the audience) understand both Meredith and Amelia, I don’t think they understand each other very well. And that’s what seems to be the root of all the problems between them. It’s not that they don’t care. It’s that they just don’t get each other. Meredith can come off very cold and unforgiving sometimes, and Amelia has a tendency to lash out when she gets upset and say things she doesn’t really mean. But neither of them really understand the other well enough to be able to see around that.
Starting off with Amelia- if any of you have watched Private Practice, you’ll remember Amelia’s season 5 storyline about her addiction and her pregnancy. I think I can safely say all of our hearts broke for her. And the things she said to Meredith during their argument in this past episode honestly sounded like the stuff she said to Addison during the intervention.
And that’s the thing- Addison has known Amelia for almost her entire life. So even though what Amelia said to her probably really hurt to hear, Addison knew deep down that Amelia didn’t mean it. So she reacted accordingly.
Meanwhile, in the grand scheme of Grey’s, Meredith hasn’t known Amelia for very long. And nowhere near as well as Addison did. Perhaps if she did, her reaction to what Amelia said to her would have been different. But instead, Meredith shut down and kicked her out. When Meredith heard Amelia’s comments about Derek, she didn’t have the buffer of fully understanding how Amelia reacts to pain. And so she took what Amelia said a lot more personally than Addison did on Private Practice.
Now, switching over to Meredith- she told Amelia that she wasn’t her sister. Which, being Meredith, she meant in a very matter-of-fact manner. Meredith tends to tell it like it is, and in this case, I don’t think she understood how much hearing the words “you’re not my sister” would hurt Amelia. Come to think of it, I’m not sure Meredith even knows Amelia’s full history. Hence, a comment that was intended to be blunt came out very very sharp.
Switching back over to Amelia- there was also the comment she made about Cristina. Which, from the audience’s perspective, is pretty hard-hitting. But if you think about it, Amelia wasn’t really around when Cristina was. She had barely even shown up permanently before Cristina left. She didn’t witness enough of Meredith and Cristina’s relationship to fully understand how close they were to one another, and why Meredith’s undying loyalty to Cristina makes perfect sense. Because, for Amelia, it probably doesn’t carry much weight.
So I suppose what I’m getting at is that I think they both did a lot more damage to the other than they meant to. Which is the tragedy of what can sometimes happen when the world shoves two people together like it did with Meredith and Amelia. They’re trying to work through their own issues around one another, but they don’t understand one another enough in order to support each other in the way they need to be supported individually.
All humans need to be supported in different ways. Meredith needs solidarity in silence- the way Cristina used to lay down next to her and say nothing at all or drink tequila with her in her living room. Amelia did the opposite of that by dragging up the type of painful thoughts that Meredith ignores in order to cope and move on.
Amelia needs active, caring support- the type of support that her sister in law and friends at Oceanside gave her during her rehab, making her feel safe and comfortable and loved. Meredith did the opposite of that by kicking her out.
Again, I think they both did a lot more damage to the other than they intended to do. They’re both incredibly strong and beautiful people, both with their flaws and strengths, and this episode just beamed a massive spotlight on the truth that despite the fact that they live together, they really don’t understand each other. And I sincerely hope that this argument will eventually lead to an attempt to change that.
#HERE FOR BOTH MEREDITH GREY AND AMELIA SHEPHERD 2K15
<3 “Shut up! You don’t tell that story! That is not your story! He was not your dad! He was my dad! You shut your mouth! Shut up, you stupid, ignorant monster bitch! You do not tell that story. You do not ever tell that story. You ever tell that story to anyone…and I will kill you with my bare hands.”
I really urge anyone who’s interested in Amelia’s backstory to go watch Season 5 of Private Practice. It’s intense…like really intense, and hard to watch. But it’s one of the best portrayals of drug / alcohol addiction that I’ve ever seen on television, as well as the trauma of carrying her anencephalic baby to full term.
You really gain an appreciation for the character of Amelia, plus Caterina Scorsone did some phenomenal acting.