I don’t care about what people have to say about how i could so much better than you, i don’t give a single shit how many girls there are that would die to have a chance with someone who would treat them the way you were. I don’t care what i deserve, i don’t care about what you don’t deserve. it’s not being selfish, it’s not being reckless. You are what i want and what i need, you filled in the smallest deepest gaps that no one had ever seen before. So to anyone who says just let it go man you’ll find some girl 10x cuter/hotter/sexier/prettier and is also 10x better than she was at being your girlfriend, screw you. She’s perfect and exactly everything i could ever dream of, it means something when you are her prince even if she doesn’t show it. Because i don’t perceive only the things i see, there’s so much more to everything she gave me than just what i saw or what other people saw. She said she never treated me well enough, that’s wrong because i loved the way you treated me as you were and that means more than just good or well or swell. Sure it was rough sometimes but i knew you inside and out, in person, and over the phone, through text things got garbled more often but it was still us. she said she never showed me her appreciation enough, i’m not in for just what you show me, i knew you never showed everything you felt and i was perfectly okay with that, you showed me more than enough for me to feel amazing and i’m sorry for all the times i said something about why don’t you act like this or whatever. I really did know you appreciated and cared for whatever it is i did for you, from opening the door for you, to making you that blue heart on the piece of wood.. i know you still appreciated that even if you showed zero emotion and acted like you could care less that it existed. you never loved me enough, we never know how much we really love someone but maybe this one is true if you can’t even give me or us another chance… you never loved me enough from the time i started asking you to be someone else. that’s where it ended, when i wanted you to be someone you weren’t because i thought you were someone else than what you really were. if that makes sense. you were perfect and i messed that up when i asked you to change and started getting pissed off at you for everything and putting you down and saying you were stupid and wrong and unappreciative, just typing out those things and thinking of what i had asked of you and done to you makes me want to die. I am wholeheartedly sorry for it and I know you loved me fairly and right. I know it’s hard to think that it wasn’t your fault but regardless of whose fault it was, it was my fault for not letting us get passed it. I don’t know how else to say this, I know you already said no multiple times but… we were different than different and it’d be worth if you would just give it another try. forget all reasons why not to take the chance, we don’t need to figure out everything beforehand but we always could figure things out together and after all this I think we’re both different and can make something new and better than before. I know you aren’t that lonely 16 year old girl who doesn’t have any friends to hangout with anymore and I’m sorry i kept treating you like one. I’m not that same 17 year old overprotective insecure boyfriend who thinks every guy who down to the ones at fast food places is trying to get with you. I know you’re happier than you have been now and everything is less complicated than before but things with us won’t be the same, in a good way though. I can’t explain it to you but I just know and I don’t know how to have you believe this or even accept the idea that maybe there is a chance i’m right but please Ellen, you’ve had another chance after what ends most relationships on the spot plus other wars i didn’t let you fight alone, please give me this chance. You mean too much for this to end because of my carelessness and disregard of your heart, mind, soul, feelings, care and, love.
oh well, had saved this in drafts a while ago. there’s this part of me though that cares because i’m the one who fucked it up and now that i see it, it’s too late and you would never even consider giving it a chance. that small part of me needs to die