How to pretend to be pretty for strangers on tumblr
So you want to go from potato to po-great-o? Allow me to show you the way.
Start off with your early morning potato face. We’ve got a lot going on here. Greasy hair. Chronic acne. Dryness. Eye bags. Not rebloggable. No artificial bolstering of our self-esteem here!
Time to shower and slather our faces with products! “But SleepyWhatever!” I hear you cry. “How do you maintain your glorious rash-like complexion?” I’m glad you ask! Here is me doing my shower ritual of two masks, a cleanser, an exfoliator and a toner to look exactly the same.
So onto the makeup. First of all, we gotta fix those eyebrows. Time to use four products and twenty minutes to draw on hairs we don’t have and cover up hairs we do have.
Here’s a key.
Next is pretty much the only good advice in this thing. You want that flawless wing and sharp shadow line with no cleanup necessary? Tape! Make a line with tape (pre-stuck on your hand to remove some of the sticky so as not to damage your delicate eye area).
Then we smear a flesh-coloured primer on our eyes and set it with a flesh-coloured powder to make better looking flesh.
Start with a neutral brown to softly define your crease.
Next we realised we have no idea what the fuck we’re doing because we didn’t plan it out in advance. Smear on some purple on top of the work we just did and hope for the best.
Inspired by our vague success, we bullshit on! First of all we add some blue to the purple to intensify the colour. Then we paint the eyelids gold for ~contrast~ and then we sling some of that purple/dark blue combo on the outer corners to tie the whole thing together. As long as you blend blend blend, everything will be ok.
At this point we realise two things.
1) Our eyebrows are hideously uneven. (Leftie you bitch) 2) Pursed lips look like a butthole.
Next is eyeliner. Pray for my soul.
So now we start to try and fix The Face. First off, primer. I have a lot of redness so I’m going to smear Shrek’s cum on my face.
And see what it does!
… Jack shit. Alright. That’s ok. We can colour correct! Let’s grab our cream colour corrector kit and neutralise our complexion that way!
Ok, you know what? We can power through.
Because I am, in cosmetics terms, a fucking vampire I used the lightest shade of Dermacol and my concealer and my white foundation mixer and it was still too dark so I caked myself in white powder and made myself ever so slightly too light. Oh well.
I drew my undereyes on using the same purples and blues and a little bit of pink. When it came to false lashes I realised I couldn’t find my lash glue. Or any lashes. But it’s ok! We can make false false eyelashes in an app!
Lastly I threw on a deep purple matte lip. is it comfortable? no! Can I pull it off? not really! but is it super cool and in right now? you bet.
So the makeup is done. Massively heavy and uncomfortable and not something I would wear outside my house because I am not brave. But do I LOVE doing it so over the top?
Now your makeup is done, take 200 selfies in every room in your house to try and find that Holy Grail selfie that shows off your eye makeup as well as your lipstick and is good lighting and also a flattering expression. Also get bored and become distracted by husband and cat being doofs.
After trawling through every selfie, asking people’s opinions and changing and changing your mind, settle on adequacy because this has taken like three hours.
It seems alright. Skin texture minimal. Eyebrow unevenness concealed. Eyeliner showing off. Awks lip gap only showing a little bit. Shame about forgetting to do a damn thing about our hair. This is workable! We’re almost there! Home stretch. We just have to filter the shit out of it and add some fake fake eyelashes and we have something ready for tumblr and that MUA Insta.
And we’re done! You did most of that! That’s sort of what you look like. Now we can prompt strangers to make us feel better about ourselves over the internet. Go forth and harvest those sweet, sweet reblogs.
This is directed towards those of y'all that
Have oily skin/ sweat buckets (I have normal skin but since I usually end up doing 40-60 dances a night…I sweat horribly)
Like going ham on your makeup. If you want a light, skin like finish then please look the other way
Do double shifts or work 12+ hours
Don’t have the time to touch up their makeup
Prep your skin: use Moisturizer and primer regardless of your skin type and apply makeup on clean skin. Don’t use to much Moisturizer or primer as your makeup will just melt off . If you want your makeup to survive nuclear war, get the Mehron Skin Prep Pro. It’s a cosmetic antiperspirant that applies like a toner and will dramatically extend the life of your makeup. I use this after I wash my face and apply a primer and moisturizer right afterwards
Apply a finely milled translucent powder underneath your foundation and over your primer. Since I have normal skin, I only do this very lightly on my t zone
I use eyeshadow primer under my eyes to extend the wear of my concealer and to prevent creasing
Get a long wearing/Matte finish foundation and use less of it than you think. I’ll make a list of foundations that I love soon
After applying your foundation/concealer and blending the ever living shit out of it with a beauty blender, blot the excess product/oil with a single ply of toilet, tissue, or blotting paper
Layer your products: use a cream contour under your powder contour, a cream blush under your powder blush, a cream highlighter under your powder highlighter
Set your face with a powder puff/ damp beauty blender and use a loose setting powder
Use a setting spray and fan your face afterwards. I use the Ben Nye Fix and Seal spray and it’s pretty much industrial strength
I have tried literally everything (sponge, brush, fingers, different concealers, powder, not using powder to finish, primers, creams) but still my undereye concealer creases&cakes, it goes in the fine little lines, blots... awful. Any tips??
Concealer is something that can go horribly wrong, I agree.
If you apply too much it looks cakey, not enough and you can still see darkness and if you quickly dust a powder to set the concealer it can go patchy and
uneven, if you don’t set it at all it can crease quickly and be overly
shiny and if you “bake” the area with loads of powder it can look cakey,
dry and unnatural.
Use an Eye Cream or Primer
If you’re applying your concealer directly ontop of foundation without prepping the eye area first this could be where you are going wrong. On the other hand if you’re applying a thick heavy eye cream under the eyes and immediately going in with concealer this could also be where you’re going wrong. Confusing? Applying an eye cream or undereye primer will help to hydrate the undereyes and give the skin a little more “slip” so product is less likely to settle, but if you don’t let it absorb for 5 minutes or so before applying your concealer, you will find the concealer immediately grabs to the eye cream and makes a bit, gross, uneven and creasing mess. I recommend: Origins Gin Zing Refreshing Eye Cream (because it’s lightweight and has light reflecting properties which brighten the undereyes) and Smashbox PhotoFinish Under Eye Primer (because it is a beautiful creamier version of their original primer which helps fill in fine lines under the eyes)
Try a Thicker Product
When I say a thicker product I don’t necessarily mean one that is full-bore high coverage, I just mean one that isn’t super thin and liquidy. Thicker, creamier products tend to sit ontop of the skin better and have a bit more playtime (great especially if you have issues with creasing) whilst thinner and more runny products often dry a lot quicker and as a result can settle into fine lines and wrinkles. Try using a product that has a creamier texture like Bobbi Brown Creamy Concealer or you could even try a full-coverage stick foundation!
One of the biggest causes for concealer creasing underneath the eyes and looking cakey is simply applying too much of it! I recommend only using concealer on the areas needed and go easy with it. Just because you have a bit of darkness under the eyes doesn’t mean you should pile on heaps of concealer. You may find this post about how to properly use concealer helpful.
The key to setting your undereye area is to use a loose powder or a clean, fluffy blending eyeshadow brush and gently press the powder over top of the concealer before dusting/blending the excess product in with the same brush. Here is a video on how to use setting powder.
when i asked for skincare products y’all came to my rescue nd flooded me w/ recs so i’m asking you to do the same one more time for makeup !! what products do u swear by or do u think i should try ?? i just cleaned out my collection so i need new things !!