Okay so this is a long one, sorry about that, but it was pretty cathartic to write it all out. Anyway, in 11th grade I switched schools, which was not an easy thing to do since by junior year friend groups are already well established. I was lucky, though, and ended up in the gifted program through which I was introduced to this girl, we’ll call her Mary. We became good friends pretty quickly, had a lot of similar interests, similar sense of humor, and I met basically all the other friends I made through her. My first name was the same as her middle name so she ended up calling me by my last name instead, a lot of my friends didn’t find out my first name for a long time. That never bothered me, I just found it…odd.
Other people said things about her sometimes and I would defend her because I’m very loyal, if you’re my friend, I’ll protect you. And, yeah, sometimes she would say things that irked me a little, she (and all the friends but I think it stemmed from her) had the habit of calling her friends hos and whores and other things that bothered me, but it wasn’t often and, hey, that’s just life.
Over the summer we hung out a fair bit, and I was happy because I rarely did things out of school. At my old school everyone lived too far apart to hang out, and anyway there was nothing to really do where I lived. It wasn’t until half way through senior year that I started putting the pieces together.
You see, half way through senior year I realized that nothing I said was ever good enough. If I tried to be clever, I was stupid, if I tried to be funny, I was just making a fool of myself, and if I tried to start a conversation, it wasn’t interesting at all. Then I noticed that I was the only one who she was really hanging out with, all of her other friends had steadily distanced themselves. She even told me about a text conversation she’d had with another mutual friend, who she’d known for a while and who’d basically stopped talking to her, where she begged the friend for answers. I saw how the things she said and the way she acted could drive people away, but I also knew what she’d said about her home life, her rough relationship with her parents, and I wanted to give her what support I could.
Even the kindest people have their limits, though, and I may be too nice for my own good, but I was reaching my breaking point. I started casually pulling back, and I felt terrible to be abandoning her, just like everyone else, but I didn’t know what to do. Things were tense and uncomfortable, but relatively alright. Then the senior week debacle occurred.
This is already too long so I won’t go into the senior week debacle, just know that that was the final straw. I did still give an attempt, that mutual friend and I went to her graduation party, knowing most of the people she invited would be at our other friend’s party, which we planned to leave for after a while, and everything was fine and Mary was perfectly nice, until we left. Then she turned frosty and irritable.
I didn’t talk to her after that but a few weeks on I received a thank you card from her for going to her graduation party. I don’t remember what the bulk of it said (something about her mom forcing her to write thank you notes) but I’ll never forget the ending: “Adios forever”.
I still follow her on snapchat and catch glimpses of her life through her story. I almost talked to her the other day, but I got some other old friends to talk me out of it. If you see this, old friend, I’m sorry. Not for the things you want me to apologize for, but that we couldn’t make it work. All those plans we talked about? I knew by the end they wouldn’t happen, but I still kinda wanted them to. I hope you’re happy and I hope it’s better, now that you’re away from your family. Take care.