pretty poop! :)

“Amethyst! That’s not funny!”

“It was a little funny.”

I love you, Garnet

“I’M THE WARP MASTER”

“Steven we have no idea what that means, or give a single fuck”

I love this. Even in his sleep he grumbles about Steven. What a fuckin grump

Lars, if you wanna sleep at work, you have to go to the bathroom and do it like the rest of us.

At my old job we would take turns taking what we called “poop sleeps.” Pretty much you sit on the toilet and nap for a bit and everyone else covers for you. It was a pretty good system, I suggest Sadie and Lars try it out.

Shh || Tom Holland

Relationship: Tom Holland x reader

Summary: there is barely a plot its just goes from fluffy to sexy times

Warnings: S M U T (18+)

Word Count: 1222

A/N: this fucker has been harassing me for far too long i had to write him


Keep reading

I drew @commanderholly in a cute/witchy outfit. I was planning on drawing her in one of her Looks™ but that just…didn’t happen?

Things have been blowing up recently with YouTube and it’s genuinely upsetting. But Commander Holly is honestly such a role model. She marches, she uses her platform to speak on real issues, and she’s just an all around incredible woman. So I highly recommend watching her content, because she’s a genuinely good person with a lotta’ heart.

Snow Day

Trapped in a vehicle with Spencer Reid, a snowy case, and warm cuddles. What more could you want?

No warnings.

Masterlist

“Come on, Spencer. I happen to like my toes.”

“I happen to like my personal space.”

A glaring contest was taking place across the back seat of the stalled SUV where you and Spencer sat. Your legs claimed the majority of the cushion, pushing against his thighs on the other side. He shifted away yet again, opting for the comfort of the jacket Hotch left in here instead of the warm body offering heat just inches away from him. You didn’t blame the blizzard; North Dakota had sent out a warning over the radio after all. You didn’t even blame the SUV for wimping out; the wear and tear the team put on it was enough to make anyone want to give up.

Spencer you could blame, though. Him and his stubborn ass refused to surrender the dignity you two had left and just cuddle to conserve heat. Sure the team was in route, but the snow promised at least an hour’s delay and you were not willing to lose appendages because he could not remove the stick from his ass.

“You’re the doctor here. Our heater is broken, the whole damn car is. What’s worse, germs or frostbite?”

“Realistically, germs can have affect much faster than the cold can. They begin taking over the cells in your body within minutes. Meanwhile frostbite takes several hours to set in and we only have to wait one.”

You huffed, breath fogging up as you buried your stinging face into the wool scarf wrapped around your neck. Your jacket plus Morgan’s was not enough to block out the relentless cold. Something was clicking and it took you a few seconds to realize it was your teeth. A sigh was the next sound to fill the space, this one originating from the doctor when he heard it as well.

“Come on then.” He lifted the jacket from his side to make peace.

Defiance flared up for only the time it took for him to start shivering. You dove into his warmth, hugging every part of him your icicle fingers could reach. Your nose pressed to the heated nook of his neck and he hissed in complaint. The hair at the base of his neck tickled your forehead, reminding you just how much you appreciated the steadily growing hair.

With Hotch’s jacket draped over the both of you now and the community body temperature circulating, you relaxed against the new but not unwelcome touch of his arms encircling you. Your body ached as feeling returned to it; that could also be from the fact that your unrequited crush held you.

“This is how a lot of our cases start,” he mumbled into your hair. “Stranded, unfavorable conditions.”

“A loud mouth to draw in the killer.”

You felt the laugh more than heard it and it drew your curious gaze up to his fog stained glasses. “Can you even see through those?”

“Can’t really see far off without them.”

“I’ll keep an eye out for the unsub, or maybe our rescuers,” you promised, tugging them from his face and wiping them carefully against your shirt.

His protest was in the form of chasing the glasses with his head. This resulted in his nose crashing against yours and his frozen lips brushing your cheek. He jolted, brown eyes flaring like he might accuse you of bewitching him. With his form painted against the frost covered window, you could only touch the point on your skin that simply burned from the accident.

“I told you this was a bad idea,” he snapped.

“Terrible,” you deadpanned, reluctantly returning his now clean glasses and ducking into the safety of the jackets.

“Not you!” he blurted instantly, reading the rejection as easily as he might solve an elementary math equation. “Trust me, you’re fine. You’re more than fine, you’re stunning and confusing and almost on my lap which is definitely leaning towards the confusing bit because you barely talk to me at work. Meanwhile all I do is ramble, just like I’m doing now. I’ll help you file the HR report if you want.”

“Mind telling me exactly what I should put on there? That was hardly a kiss to complain about.”

“I am too cold to tell if you’re insulting my kissing abilities or deliberately trying to provoke me.”

“I just figure if I’m going to write a report on you, it should have something more interesting on it.”

You were edging closer, putting your latest profiling theory to the test. Spencer was scared to touch you but not because you revolted him; it was because he feared he might not stop. As he allowed your mouths meet, you prayed he would not.

Should I be friends with the Daedric Prince?

Azura: She’s super pretty, and Instagram famous, but if you don’t reply to her messages in like ten minutes she will not just unfriend you. She will actively libel your account and everyone will listen to her, because damn, that’s Azura.

Boethiah: You might think those snarky insults on your photos about how terrible your make up is is really just an edgy joke. You’re wrong.

Clavicus Vile: Sure, he’s a brat and everyone knows it, but he’s fucking loaded man. Maybe he really does piss you off and maybe he says his dog dresses better than you, but for the money? You can take it.

Hermaeus Mora: Yes, he’s great at pub quizzes and will even let you use his burn books, but he always asks for a weird favour in return. Is it really worth it?

Hircine: All he ever posts is pictures of him posing with dead animals. It’s kind of weird and unsettling, you should probably wait until he gets a new hobby… He’ll never get a new hobby.

Malacath: Malacath will beat up all your bullies. But you’ll have no friends. It’ll just be you and him forever.

Mehrunes Dagon: You’ll need to be careful not to cut yourself on that edge. He’s angstier than a sit com teenager. Sometimes you think about asking why, then you remember - fuck that.

Mephala: She’ll be your bff, the nicest chick you’ll ever know, until one day she accidentally texts the wrong number and you find out she’s actually behind that hate page of you.

Meridia: She’s perfect, so perfect that she will judge every little thing you say. You know when you’re with her you’ll never feel content.

Molag Bal: Why would you even. Get some self respect. He’ll talk shit to your face then expect you to come around and do his nails.

Namira: Sure, she’s supportive, but there’s always this bad smell around her. Even just her texts smell like poop. You’re pretty sure she hasn’t showered in like, ten years. Also her favourite movie is Shrek.

Nocturnal: Nobody really knows who she is, or if she’s ever actually there. She never talks, never shows up as online. But every once in a blue moon, just as you start to forget she exists, she’ll suddenly like one of your statuses.

Peryite: He’s always ill, like constantly. He never makes it to anything. And he’s always diagnosing you with things. No, Peryite, I do not have the bubonic plague, and no, you are not a doctor.

Sanguine: Sanguine likes to party, and sure. It’s fun, but it’s also tiring. Then he starts making passes at you and one thing leads to another and it’s just awkward. Mainly because he seems to completely forget anything ever happened. Also he’ll clog your notifications. No, I mean really. That’s not an innuendo.

Sheogorath: You know that one person who is soooo random? Sheogorath will comment on your posts with “rawr”, you won’t even last a damn day.

Jyggalag: He will personally come to your house to tell you your parting isn’t straight. On one hand, it’s useful for if you need to go out. On the other hand, the second you mess your hair up, even if you’ve just fallen asleep, he’ll be all there like “ dude I got u a comb”

Vaermina: You woke up, saw someone at the end of your bed watching you from the shadows and you invited them to movie night? Did the spiders crawling out of her eyeballs not give you a bad impression?

share.

McCree found the tattered novel on one of his missions. The cover torn and muddy, but all the pages still mostly intact. He handled it with care, gently wiping the dirt off with his flesh hand. He brushed the pads of his fingers along the plain manilla cover, the narrow spine, and the faded name– as if trying to memorize the feel of it. The Lone Star Ranger. He chuckled quietly, struck by the non-coincidence and lifted an incredulous gaze to the wide blue sky above him. Real cheeky. Wrapping the damp book in his serape, he returned his attention to the objective.


It was weeks before he got a chance to examine the book again. He fetched it from where he had left it on his shelf, swaddled lovingly in one of his best shirts, and nestled into an isolated corner of the common room. He opened the book with slow hands, the pitter-patter of his pulse pounding in the tips of his fingers. He was excited, thrilled, in a way he hadn’t been in years. The pages were creased with water damage, yellowed with aged, the small black lettering faded to a pale gray. Just barely legible. He buried his face in the pages, marveling at the dry feeling of the paper beneath his skin and the heady, musty scent of the pages.

“Jesse!” McCree jumped as Fareeha threw herself down on the couch next to him and wrapped a well-muscled arm aggressively around his shoulders. Instinctively, McCree shoved the book with as much care as he could muster between the cushions, wincing when he felt the stiff pages creak in protest.

“Jesse,” Fareeha said again. McCree half expected her to ask what he had been doing, his heart beating wildly as if he’d been caught in a lie. McCree had no reason to be so skittish; after all, he hadn’t done anything wrong, but guilt still tore at his gut.

Swallowing thickly he tried to smile at Fareeha, “Wh–” He didn’t get any further, since Fareeha proceeded to trap him in a merciless headlock, flick his hat off his head, and give him such a violent noogie that he saw stars. She barked something about beating his deadlift record (again) and released him with a loud slap on the shoulder and a broad grin.


Then it was weeks of hiding the novel from Hanzo, which proved nearly impossible. Hanzo was meticulous about maintaining their quarters– his constant habit of arranging, rearranging, and re-rearranging to impulsively clean meant McCree kept needing to find new hiding places for his precious cargo. He nearly had a heart attack when Hanzo came across the soft shirt the book was wrapped in and tried to launder it. He resigned himself to hiding it beneath his side of the mattress, his body laying stiff in bed to keep from rolling over and crushing it.

Hanzo noticed because he’s an observant man, but he’s an observant man who knows Jesse McCree well enough to know when to push and when to let McCree come to him. This was a situation that warranted the latter. So, Hanzo said nothing directly– he dropped subtle hints about knowing that McCree was hiding something from him. He trusted McCree and he knew McCree trusted him– Hanzo told himself not to worry, that McCree would come to him of his own accord soon enough.


It comes while they’re laying in bed, McCree’s head pillowed on Hanzo’s chest while the archer threads gentle, loving fingers through his hair. It comes in the soft way McCree speaks, in the rumble of his voice that Hanzo more feels than hears, “’M a guilty man.”

“Explain.” Hanzo says, his fingers soft against the short hairs at McCree’s nape.

McCree sighs out his next words, his breath ghosting warm against Hanzo’s bare chest, “D'ya miss it? Hanamura? The clan?”

Hanzo’s hands still, “Do you miss…New Mexico?“ He doesn’t say Deadlock, but the silence that hangs between them seems to say it. Deadlock: the same beasts that branded McCree’s arm, then took the brand back and the arm with it. McCree doesn’t like talking about his past, though few seem to in their day and age, so Hanzo has only gathered bits and pieces– from what he can tell, it’s nothing good.

McCree inhales painfully, “Is it bad that….I do?”

Hanzo’s heart aches something awful, a twinge of pain blooming against his ribs. He hates hearing McCree’s suffering– wants to snatch it all away and store it with his own hurt so McCree won’t wilt under it’s weight. Hanzo clears his throat and shakes his head, “No, it is not.”

He feels McCree’s eyes flutter closed, feels his lips move again his skin, “I miss….the sun-baked earth ‘neath my boots. Th-the blue, cloudless skies. I miss the– the cries of hawks as they swoop in on them….them lil’ unsuspectin’ bunny rabbits!” McCree laughs and sniffles, Hanzo’s chest feels wet. “Hell, I even miss the Deadlock boys. Those goddamn, lowlife bastards that gave m-my skinny, punk ass a p-place t’ belong….”

McCree pushes himself up on his palms till he’s hovering over Hanzo. His eyes are wet and rimmed red: desperate, like his tone, “Now, darlin’, I’m not sayin’ I feel like I don’t belong here. And this ain’t t’ say that I’m ungrateful for the chance I was given. ’M just….’m just….” Jesse searches for words, his arms trembling in frustration.

Hanzo sits up and cups McCree’s face in his hands, “I miss it.” McCree blinks, causing tears to roll out of his dewy eyes. “I miss Hanamura. And the clan. It was my home. They were my home. So yes, I miss it. But I do not long for it. I do not wish to return to who I was in the past and neither do you– presently, we are the best versions of ourselves that we have ever been. Jesse, you are not guilty of anything. You are not an ungrateful person, or a bad person, for missing your home.“

McCree smiles, woeful and melancholy, before he turns his face to kiss Hanzo’s palm, “Yer real good with words when ya wanna be, ain'tcha?“

Hanzo smiles back, “It is easy to speak from the heart.” McCree mutters ‘cheesy’ under his breath and leans forward to kiss Hanzo sweetly. The chaste kisses become wetter, hotter, till Hanzo is on his back once more and McCree is bearing down on him. They part slowly, lips stinging from the lingering warmth, their pulses fluttering like butterfly wings.

“Han, I….” McCree breathes in deeply. “I have somethin’ I– somethin’ that I’d really like t’ share with ya if, if yer up for it.” McCree’s hesitance makes Hanzo curious and he nods once in affirmation, watching as his cowman ducks around the side of their bed and reaches under the mattress.

He draws out the bundle with an unprecedented gentleness, peaking Hanzo’s curiosity till the archer sits cross-legged on the bed and peers intently at McCree’s prize. The gunslinger doesn’t speak as he carefully exposes the book to view. Hanzo tilts his head, speaks the title out softly between them. The Lone Star Ranger.

“Found it on a mission.” McCree says through his smile. “It’s a western.” Hanzo’s eyes dart up to catch McCree’s smile and studies the delicate way in which he handles the novel; he knows immediately that McCree has chosen to share something precious. His heart stutters a happy rhythm, emotions swellins at the idea that McCree has trusted him with something so sensitive.

“It reminds you of home?” Hanzo inquired and McCree grinned his affirmation. “Then….will you read it to me?”

McCree’s delight shows in the way his eyes shine, happiness makes him look and sound as giddy as a child, “Ya really wanna hear it?!” Hanzo nods and creases appear in the corners of McCree’s eyes as he grins wider than Hanzo has ever seen. “Well, shucks, darlin’….!”


They settle in shoulder to shoulder, their pillows hunched against their lower backs, as McCree begins in a low voice as rich as molasses. Hanzo listens silently, his eyes fixated on McCree’s face as he enthusiastically begins the tale of Buck Duane. Hanzo’s heart thuds painfully against his ribs once more, but it is a pain he relishes– a sweet ache of happiness.
The Emoji Movie Script

the world we live in. it’s so… wonderous. mysterious. even magical. no… no no no.. not that world. i meant this one. the smartphone. each system and program app is it’s own little planet of perfect. technology. all providing services so necessary, so crucial, so unbelievably profound. look who just sent me a text! addie mccallister? it must be a mistake. or a joke. or a scam! don’t send her your social security number. she’s right there! that’s our user, alex. and, like every freshman in high school, his whole life, everything, revolves around his phone. and, because the pace of life gets, faster and faster… phones down in five. and attention spans get shorter and shorter… and… you’re probably not even listening to me right now. who has the time to type out actual words? and that’s where we come in. the most important invention in the history of communication! emo gees. that’s my home! textopolis. here, each of us does one thing, and we have to nail it every time. christmas tree just has to stand there, all festive. merry christmas! it’s still september, tim! and princesses… i am so pretty. they just gotta wear their crowns and keep their hair comb. we are so pretty. devil, poop, thumbs up, they just show up and they’re good to go. but for the faces, the pressure is on. cryer always has to cry, even if he just won the lottery. hurray, i’m a millionaire! laugher’s always laughing, even if he’s just broken his arm. ahh!! ah! i can see the bone!! ah ah ah ah ah… and me, i’m a meh. so i gotta totally be over it all the time, you know? like meh, who cares. which is not as easy as it sounds. i gotta be mehhhhhhhhh i GOTTA! be! mehhhhhhhhh morning misses D, i see you have the little minis with ya! oh, they’re so… cute! NYAH, SO ADORABLE, I CAN’T TAKE IT! I WILL NEVER GET THEM TO SLEEP! STICK TO YOUR ONE FACE, WEIRDO. OLE! OLE! OH NO! OH NO! it’s hard to only act blasé. when, living in textopolis is…. just so exciting! hah low good simeans! those ah some shalp attach shays! yes, well we have business to attend to. whot kind off business? monkey business. ha ha ha ha, i sounded british. meh… Oh, that was really good.. meh ? meh … meh ha ha… what the freak ya doing there, mate? practicing. today is my first day on the phone. oh, droit. i’m gonna be so.. meh. what are you going to do? blah! me and the boys are gonna throw ourselves on the barbie! woo! puh-zow! gooday, mate! hey, koh knee chee wah! sorry emote icons!! oh, I hate knocking over the elderly.. let me help, let me help… oh, my colon!!! ducks… hey, is that the time? HEY, my eyes are up here, pal! woo ooh hoo! woo hoo! right on time! and last week, Alex sent me next to THIS text! huh? huh? HA HA HA THAT ELEPHANT PISSED HIMSELF HA HA HA AH HAH HA HAH HAH UH HUH HUH why are YOU laughing, freak? ho ho ha ha ha! now, unlike me, my parents are total pros. gene, please tell me you weren’t laughing just now. gene so help me i swear oh, he was, I remember. let’s go see if you can get it right. i have some bad news, gene, and i’m afraid that you’ll have the wrong reaction. ok, what’s the wrong reaction? anything other than meh. come on! i don’t want to be late! i’m not letting you go to work today. wait, WHAT? you’re just not ready, son. come on!! working in a cube is an Emoji’s whole purpose in life! everybody my age is working on the phone except for me! oh sweetie, that’s not true. ow! YEAH! i’m going to work on the phone and I’m only ten! that’s because I believe in you! should we wash our hands? ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! we’re number two! we’re number two! see? i, i know i’m different, ok? but, i need to… i can be meh… i just… want to be a working emoji, you know, like… everybody else… and then… i would finally fit in, you know? ah, you fit in, honey. no I don’t, mom. I never have. but I could change all that if you just let me! just give me a chance! but what if you get sent out on the phone, making the wrong face? no dad, i’ll make the right face! look! maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah? you’re so handsome when you make that face. i think he’s ready, mel. meh. come on, dad. let me prove it to you. if you really think you’re ready… YES! yes i am! i promise i won’t let you down! wow! Congratulations, everyone! What an exciting day for all of you! oh, it’s really her! oh, pizza! first day on the job, hi, hi! don’t be nervous! i won’t bite! hi, i’m smiler! ho ho ho ho ho… DON’T TOUCH ME! Hi! i mean.. hey.. as you know, i’m smiler, i’m the system supervisor here, because I was the original emoji. here’s how it works. it’s nothing fancy! wait a minute… it’s really fancy! you each have your own cube on the emoji bar! if alex chooses you, should you be so lucky, your cube will light up! it’s showtime! the scanner will scan you, and that scan will get sent right up to alex’s text box. and let me tell you guys, there is nothing like getting scanned for the first time. a har, you’re gonna love it. now over here is the favorites section, where you’ll find all the most popular emo gees. and of course, you’ll find my cube here. whoo. you are smooth. just doing my duty. ha ha ha! what did i say? come on, tell me you aren’t just a little bit tempted? steven, for the last time, i don’t want to buy a timeshare. come on, man, it’s high five! you know me! i’m a favorite! Alex hasn’t picked you in weeks. when he stops picking you, you’re no longer a favorite. there’s gotta be some sort of mistake, i mean, look at me, i’m an attractive, hand-giving high five! oh! fistbump! come on in! hey, ladies! FISTBUMP? he’s a knucklehead! literally! look at him, I can look like that! ugh, ow, cramp.. big mistake.. oh… help me.. help up a hand.. oh… here you go… thanks mate… hey, little man, how about you create a distraction, and i’ll just slip under the rope! uh, oh, is someone lost? smiler, hiya, just leaving. yeah, you know, just killing time before i go back to my cube in the far corner where Alex can’t even See Me ANYMORE! you may not be a favorite anymore, but you will always have a place, in a cube! yeah, in the nosebleeds… uh, i’m standing right here? words hurt. the most important thing I can tell you is to just be yourself… basically, happy itself… i am always smiling… places, please! emo gees to your cubes! attention, we’ve got incoming! gotta be meh, gotta be meh. oh my gosh, my own cube! i can’t believe it… oh, i could put a plant over here, and over here could go an inspirational calendar, okay, gotta be meh… look at our son get on there, i’m beaming… with pride! you don’t think he’ll actually get picked, do you? heiroglyphics. heiroglyphics was an ancient language of picture forms. does that remind anyone of anything. hello. a language of pictures… anyone? early heiroglyphics back in ancient… i gotta reply to addie’s text! what should i write? nothing! nothing? words aren’t cool. ok, be cool, be cool… alright, alex is not sure how he wants to play this… oh! i would really love it to be me! beam me up! beam me up! i need thumbs up on standby! oh yeah! thumbs up is going in! wait! alex is changing his mind! he’s moving! ok, looks like it’s gonna be meh… i’m so nervous, i could almost shrug. we are go for meh! initiating scan! okay, you can do this. ah! i can’t do this! i can’t do it! stop the scan! i can’t, it’s too late! oh! what’s he doing? he’s making the wrong face! good for him, little… wait, what? ugh. abort, abort! oh, shi… shut it down, shut it down! ah! what is that emoji? all the emo gees present, evacuate the cube! evacuate the cube! i gotta get out of here! i’m trying! oh, jeez. sorry, everybody. that is not what i meant to do! i kinda.. i kinda panicked.. are you even a meh at all? uh, who, me? like you are, is a malfunction! a malfunction? no, i can be meh, just give me one more chance? you know what would be really fun? a board meeting, where we can find out what to do with you! i just wanted to be useful, you know, fit in! now everybody’s calling me a malfunction. i am a malfunction. even if you are a malfunction, gene, your mom and dad still love ya. i knew you weren’t ready. let’s get you out of here and take you home. one day, all of this will blow over, and everyone will almost forget about what you did. until then, you should probably stay locked up in the apartment. wait, you’re gonna hide me away? you’re embarrased of me. it’s for your own safety. we’re trying to protect you, son. gene, where are you going? i’m not going to run away from this. i’m an emoji, and, even though i’m not exactly sure which one… i’ve gotta have some sort of purpose here, i know it. gene, no! sweetie, please! so, how’d it go, gavel? hey, lightbulb, tell me what’s going on in there. what… poop… what is it? tell me turd, tell me truth. what happened? i know it was an accident. we all have accidents you’re so soft, poop. not too soft, i hope. i came up here to defend myself, but, uh, you seem pretty happy. so, good news? i’m always happy. oh, right, yeah, truth. but the only thing that could ever make me unhappy, is if one of our emo gees has made a mistake. which would cause alex to lose faith in the phone… and then, our whole gets wiped out! smiler, i devil pinky swear promise to you that i will never, ever make a mistake in the cube again. oh, we know you won’t, gene. we know you won’t! ha ha, you know, the first time you said it it sounded genuine, but then you repeated it, and, and then, now it’s weird. we’re setting you up! with our best anti virus bots! so they’ll, like, uh, they’ll just, they’re gonna fix me? actually, delete you. but yes! wait, what? if you get deleted, you don’t have to worry about department heads, or the future, or lying about being a malfunction! because you’re deleted, right? right! good job! bots! no! stop, he’s escaped! party time! oh, wait a minute… the air is better here! beer, tea… i’m coffee! sorry… ish… so ish e. my old cube! ugh, pinkeye. mike! my name’s not mike… ah! there’s AV bots coming! what, me? just because i’m in the wrong section? holy toledo! what do we do? quick! this way! let’s go! don’t tell anyone you’re about to see this. they’ll never find us down here. where are we? the basement? nope. welcome to the loser lounge, where the emo gees who never get used, hang out. go fish! fishcake with swirls sweep so you won’t cry. sweep so you won’t cry. sweep so you won’t cry. i almost got deleted! me! high five! hey, what’s up high five? they weren’t trying to delete you, they were trying to delete me. you? what’s so important about you that they’d send out an entire team of bots? they say… i’m a malfunction. gasp oh, you bringing malfunctions in here now, high five? for crying out loud, abandoned luggage, that had better not be my leftover chinese food… uh… what chinese food? huh ha! do you have any idea what it’s like to be living large? hashtag blessed? the favorite of the favorites, and then demoted to this pit of despair? here, will you hit my callouses for me? at least you’re a working emoji, that’s all i ever wanted. well, if that’s all it will take you to be satisfied, then just find a hacker and get reprogrammed. it’s not that complicated. where would i find a hacker? in the piracy app, duh. ugh. and who took my clear nail polish? piracy app? to get there, i mean, i have to leave textopolis. so? i’ve done it. would you be a brother. one of the princess emo gees left the phone altogether, now she lives on the cloud… mmm… ooh, that is good. i’m sure the hacker that helped her do that could easily reprogram you. The name’s jailbreak. jailbreak? that’s great? reprogrammed. i just need to get reprogrammed, and then i can finally be the meh i was meh to be! help me find that hacker high five, will you? please? maybe this hacker can help you, too? like, rewrite some code? get you into the favorites sections? wait a minute! ow. i’ve been trying to use my charisma and sensitive entitlement to get me back on top when all I need is a hacker! today’s your lucky day! let’s roll! hey, can i come too? talk to the hand, bretheren. i thought i was… bye, felicia. ciao, fishcake with swirls. daddy’s headed back to the VIPs where he belongs! wait, what about the bots? good point, good point. ow, ow ow, ow… hey… i shouldn’t have picked the cactus. i shouldn’t have picked it. you didn’t even try to get the tree, it’s baffling. let’s go. high five? hello? high five! where are you? i’m right here! here we are! end of the text aisle. no way. come on, gene, it’s perfectly safe! ah! gene, help me! high five! oh no, this is all my fault, high five, I… i’m just messing with you! it’s just one of those rubber finger monster puppets from the eighties, i collected the whole set! alright, you coming? uh, what do i do? what do you mean? just take a step through the other side. this, is it. the next time i come back here, i’ll be a real meh. high five? woah! are you finished? where, where are we? welcome… to the wallpaper! wow. this place is incredible! each app is a whole new world. ow, that’s my face, get off my face, thank you. what is this place? WeChat! it’s like a whole other world! oh, it is. what are they? they’re bubble pups, they might be cute, but man, are they clean. bubble pups? they’re stickers, gene, try to get with the program? this is so cool! wait, what’s in that one! everybody’s talking about themselves! how does he know so many people? none of these people know him, but they like him, and that’s what matters in this life, popularity. uh, i, i think i’d rather just have a real friend. a real friend? how’s that going to get you anywhere? what you need are fans! they give you complete and unrelenting support! as long as you’re on top. poor gene, i blame myself. i blame you, too. i just wanted to be supported. you just wanted a vacation. you take that back, mel. bots, they haven’t found gene by now. he must have skipped town. you mean the wallpaper? our boy’s on the run. how about we find him ourselves? yeah, sure. tell those bots to follow those mehs. i’m sure they’ll know about all those freaky deaky apps Gene would hide out in. i’m really good at making plans, you guys, right? here we are, the piracy app! this is where we’ll find jailbreak. um, but this is, the dictionary app. that’s just what alex wants his parents to think. this is called a skin. really? what could a teenage boy possibly want to hide from his parents? just try to keep up, this place can get a little rough. ahoy mateys, look who’s back! high five! i’m a bit of a celebrity here, always welcome. ow! loser! come on, follow me. oh, great, emo gees! i thought the conversation just got dumber. ugh, internet trolls, just ignore them. eventually, they’ll get a job, or a girlfriend, or some sort of purpose in life, and then they’ll stop. virus, we’ll just, we’ll just walk over this way… hi! it’s so great to see you again! do i know you? it’s spam! just sign here and i can get you special discounts on vitamins and coupon offers that can save you up to 25 percent! 25 percent? nonono no no, don’t get sucked in! back off, spam! it’s the only way to do it. back off! thank you very much! you can illegally download our CD right here! hey, trojan horse, how are you? yeah, what’ll it be had? i’ll have a bottle of… hack, daniels, hmm? maybe with a plate of… cheese, and hackers, kapeesh? you try to buy a hacker, you can just ask, you know. oh, sorry, um, yes. we’re looking for a hacker named jailbreak. oh, i know a guy who could hook you up. right over there. oh, yes. patable. no, not him. her! wait, he’s a she? hey! jailbreak! mind if we join in? yes. that’s the thing about the internet, is that you never know if someone’s being ironic or sincere. i sincerely, unironically want you to go away. ha ha ha ha, so good… so here’s the thing, my friend gene here has a little problem. well, see, i’m supposed to be a meh, but i don’t really feel… yeah, yeah, and we thought that you could help… the princess, you know, off the phone… woah, hold up, that’s not a meh face. bots, they’re after me! how are you doing that? look, it’s just something that i can do, can you help us? follow me. bots, delete my history! i need to wipe my entire hard drive! i made the most delicious cinnamon buns! maybe if there was something to uh, jog my memory? come on! move! hey trolls, wipe our mailbox wearing a tuxedo! hi, it’s so great to see you again! this tunnel will get us out of here! move! get us out of here! move! did that cloud taste sweet to you? ow. ow. ow. help me. help, i’m stuck! sweet motherboard! where am i? candy crush! get me out of here! hey, cornface! try getting him out the top! already on it! hold tight, gene! woah! woah! this feels very off.. and smells. i mean, it smells delicious, but, i still don’t like it! the game obviously thinks you’re a candy, even though you’re, weirdly misshapen, you know? what do i do? stay very still! don’t worry, we’ve got your back! right, high five? hey, fingers! you wanna focus? for your information, i happen to have a sugar addiction, and it’s a very, serious… hey, finger head, we have to get Gene out of the game without blowing him up! i don’t want to blow up! we have to match up the candies so that Gene will drop to the bottom. and we can’t match him with any yellows, or else… oh! don’t do that, please don’t do that. watch. got it? knock 3 in a row, don’t blow gene up, got it. and, we have to be careful. yeah yeah yeah. careful! woo hoo! candy! yo! no no no! don’t do yellow! do NOT do the yellow! i said careful! hey, addie! i… i was just wondering, if, you are… tasty. what? um… delicious. excuse me? sweet. hey addie! uh… hi nikki. see you later, alex sugar crush. ah! i’m so over this. Wireless Repair Service, how may I help you? i’d like to make an appointment. it’s like this phone is playing games with me! woah! hey, what does this do? get me out of here! ooh… suck it in… stop it… stop it… ow ow ow… it’s not working! well, there’s one option left. we line you up with the yellows. but you said not to do that! special candies get transported to that jar. the game might think that you’re a special candy. and… what if it doesn’t think i’m a special candy? well… ah! jailbreak, hello? hello, jailbreak? uh, sorry. what if it doesn’t think i’m a special candy? oh, i’m not too worried about it. alright, just do it. gene, gene! you’re alive! you were trying to see if i had somehow turned into candy, weren’t you? yes i was. and you have not! hey, looks like something popped up on alex’s calender. ah, i’m sure it’s nothing. uh, alex made an appointment at the phone store? calm down, everyone, calm down. don’t worry, everything is fine. maybe alex just wants to buy some accessories. uh, his appointment is with techinical support. well, i’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to figure this out. uh, his appointment is for tomorrow. then maybe it’s just for some routine maintenance? uh, actually, it’s to erase the phone. listen, gene, i’m about to become your knight in shining armor. you are? oh yeah. but first, we need to get uploaded to the cloud. that’s where we’ll find the source code to reprogram you. the… cloud? isn’t that off the phone? ding dingding ding! you got it! mmhm, yeah, the cloud! off the phone! uh! we’re in candy crush, oz, i know a shortcut to just dance, which is right next to dropbox, where we can get uploaded to the cloud. mmhm, of course, just go dive into the dropbox and vroom! hold up, here’s the stinker. before they let us into the cloud, we have to get past this… firewall. the firewall uses face identification. it’s really annoying, because i’ve already tried to get through. guessed wrong once, and now i’m locked out for life. locked out for life? you’re thinking, because i can make different faces, the firewall will think i’m different emo gees! yeah, i wanted to say it, because it was my idea. you know, women are always coming up with stuff that men are taking credit for. you know what, well, let’s hit the road. high five, you coming? i’m coming! why do i always think i’m going to come around on black licorice? ah! oh! my precious… move it! sudden death, here we come! let’s try this one… you tube? wow, what an original treat, and i don’t even need a remote. that guy is so expressive. he reminds me of gene. yes, something’s really wrong here. our son is a malfunction, and you should have never let him go into that cube. don’t blame me for that now, i am hopping mad at you. see? mary, i think we’re being followed, but don’t overreact. uh oh. i told you not to overreact. what are you doing now? i could be in there for hours. hey, where are you going. i think we should go our seperate ways, mel. i thought i knew the meh that i married, but maybe i don’t. but, mary? this tunnel will help us avoid the bots. thanks for helping us. it’s really, really nice of you. NPD, dude. you’re helping me! move along, move it, why so slow? high five, stop, why are you getting so close? back off. i can’t stop now, i’m having a sugar rush! i’m going to go around you. if i stop moving, my heart’s going to explode! coming through, jailbreak! watch out! hey! watch it, knuckle butt! i can’t feel my face! ha ha! jailbreak, you said back there that i’m… helping you. i’ve been trying to get past that firewall for months! ha ha ha ha ha, come on, come on, the faster we go, the faster I can become a favorite! ah ha ha ha ha ha! woo hoo! look at me i just want to bounce out of here, get off the phone, and live on the cloud! hee hee! ow! what just happened! you know, you don’t like it here? there are so many rules here! what is up with that? the cloud’s supposed to be amazing, it’s full of dreams too… oh, sugar crash. i can’t hold on anymore. catch me, gene, catch me! and you can be whoever you want! thanks. we’re free! come on! oh, oh my gosh, my hands are sweating. you know what, come to think of it, i don’t really remember there ever being a hacker emoji. oh, um, you know, you’re taking too much of my brain space, let’s try to keep the chit chat to a minimum. ooh, someone likes you. what are you talking about? this just like when peace sign gave me just one finger, i knew she was in love with me. let’s go! ugh, i’m never eating another piece of candy ever again… high-five, don’t do it! don’t you do it! it’s already been in there once. don’t do it. wow. move it! are my fingers getting fat? i’ll tell you what, this bandage wasn’t so tight before. okay, we get through this app, and dropbox is right on the other side. we just need to keep it super DL in here. and no matter what, we can’t, turn it, on. OMG this turned it on! what? i’m a hand, it’s a big red button! woah. no no no no! what’s happening! welcome to just dance! follow my moves and you get to move forward! do the wrong moves and you get an X! three strikes and you’re out! out? what does she mean by out? digital death. thanks to you, fingers, now we’re going to have to dance our way out. which is alright with me, because I can shake it like michael. or michael’s glove, anyway. Are you ready to daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnccccccee? this is bad, gene, i can’t dance, i got no groove! come on, everybody can dance! not me, okay? i’m really stiff… see? you don’t… understand? okay, no no. stop, stop. you have to stop. i see now what you are saying? just follow her moves. ready to dance in three! this i can’t do! two! dude! just shut up and… dance! i’m just doing it! hee hee! shamon! jailbreak! i got you! look, just do the music, express yourself! dance? yeah, you got it! now throw some sauce on that dance burrito! woo hoo! i’m doing it! i’m finally nailing this dance! you got it! hee hee! oh ho ho! great job! now you’re moving on to free dance! impress us with your moves to move forward! more dancing? you’re killing it, gene! nice! take it gene! you can break it! wait a minute! i’ve never seen that dance before! what’s it called? the emoji… bob? i love it! you do! everybody! do the emojiiiiiiiiiii bob! ha ha ha! woo! oh! princess! woah! you’re the princess emoji! you never got off the phone! new player! who? oh no! we gotta go! no worry, they’re robots, they can’t dance! downloading thought protocol… can’t dance, he says. heh. hey alex, you gonna dance for us? alex, that’s extra homework for you. yeah, alex’s getting wicked, ha ha ha… alex must be deleting the app! watch out! we gotta get out of here! come on! hoo! this song is my jam! high five! come on! let’s go! hurry! gene! i got you! gene! gene… hey, wait a minute, where’s high five? alex trashed the app.. and high five right along with it. wait, what? wait, trashed? high five is in the trash? he wanted to dance… but, i knew it was a bad idea… i’m so sorry… we gotta get him out of there. gene, dropbox is right here, we have to get to the cloud! and the trash is on the other side of the phone! we don’t know how many other bots are out there! i’m sorry! no, wait! i can’t go without high five. i don’t care how far away it is. gene… that’s my friend down there. i’m not going to just let him get deleted. what, what is it? i’ve always just thought, you’ve got to look out for number one… but what good is it to be number one, if there aren’t any other numbers? wow, okay. i’m sorry, this is, this is my malfunction, i just, i can’t be meh about anything, this is why i’m going to be reprogrammed. well, actually, it’s kinda cool. wait, really? no, i think i know a shortcut. we can take the music streams in spotify. let’s go give that big hand a hand. come on! now it’s trashed the just dance app, and our bots are offline, and it’s giving me a real headache… i am so angry! i really need to stay happy. can we please lighten the mood? no one can resist la fiesta! ole! not that happy. ow! we’ve only got four hours before alex’s phone appointment. if they find a malfunction on the phone, we are all going to be wiped! she said wiped! aim higher, steven. i didn’t want to have to do this, but it is fun to press buttons. the illegal upgrade! now that makes me happy! ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! i just want to dance.. dance… argh! quiet, you saucy gypsy. ugh, where am i? hi! it’s so great to see you again! you’re in the trash, fingers for brains! get away from me, troll! hi! it’s so great to see you again! i’ve got to get out of here. you can’t! and at the end of the day, the trash gets emptied, and we’re all going to die! oh no, no, no! this is the last face you will ever see! this is spotify? yep, every one of those streams is a different song. is it safe? are you sure that this is a good idea? that’s the point of the wave, dude! can we at least pick a… a colorless stream? okay buzzkill… alex, a bunch of people are hitting the promenade, and i think addie might be there, too… that’s perfect! i have an appointment down there, anyway! i’ve got to get this phone fixed! hey, bubble butt! yeah. ah, much better. so, i gotta ask, is it true that when a princess whistles, birds fly down from the skies.. hello, stereotype, that is a complete and total myth! i’m sorry. did you realize that in the first emoji set, a woman can either be a princess, or a bride? that’s why I need to get to the cloud, where you can be whatever you want to be! get ready! whale song coming! wait, wait, whale what? whale song! from alex’s biology DVD! woah! wow! woah! ha ha ha ha. you’re not going to see that sitting around in a cube. funny, you went out of the cube, and I went in. gene, that means you can’t be yourself. what’s the point? you know, i think you’re pretty cool just the way you are. we’re, we’re going to need this. nobody knows, the touchscreen dramascene. nobody knows my screenshot… trash? me? i used to be somebody. here i am, in an old email Alex never sent. addie, blah blah blah blah blergh… and then there’s me! high five! right there! doing my job! FYI, nobody cares about you. just leave me, troll, and let me die! in this dump alone! let me look for the world’s smallest violin in here, so that you can play it! is that the hand angel of mercy? has she finally come for me? give me your hand! i mean, give me yourself! take my hand, angel! i’m ready to take my place amongst the other great hands of the past. it’s me, gene! gene? the one and only. gene! i got him! take me with you! high five! let go of me! you’d leave me down here? you were wrong, troll, people do care about me! and i’m not upset, troll! do you see how not upset I am? gene! you came back for me! you saved me… it wasn’t just me, jailbreak helped, too. she’s a hugger. give her a squeeze. oh, nonono no. not really, nothing great. i’m not feeling your feelings, relieve me! you filthy trolls, I inhaled your stench, and I was once one of you, so I feel your pain. so now, go. be free! smooth sailing from here. huh ha ha! ugh. gene! gene… gene? are you insta gramming? oh, where is my gene… oh, mary, you’ve really done it this time. no, you haven’t. mel? what are you doing in alex’s trip to france album? i was looking for you. none of this is your fault, mary. it’s mine. what do you mean? is that a tear on your cheek? it’s my fault gene is the way he is. i have other expressions, too. i think they’ve just been buried away. but with gene going missing, and thinking i might have lost you, too… oh, mel, why didn’t you tell me? i didn’t know myself. right now, i’m so overwhelmed with passionate feelings for you. mary, my love for you burns with the intensity of a red hot flame. oh, i like it. let’s go find our son. together. we’ll always have paris, mary. so you’re a princess. so you have a little tiara, very fancy. is it true when a princess whistles, birds fly that’s what i said! no, guys, that’s a stupid myth! what awkward virgin haven are you living in? go read an e-book! educate yourself! uh, jailbreak? what the? what is that? smiley must have upgraded her bots! let’s get out of here before it… hi, do you remember me, it’s smiler! i’m coming to you live from the amphitheater, why don’t you come back to textopolis and we can talk through our differences, okay? my friend here will escort you, alright, i’m gonna see you soon, buddy, bye now! we’re actually going to delete them in front of everyone. psst, it’s still on. it’s still on? oh! jiminy, attack the frauds! seperate! take a look! jailbreak! gene! this way! it’s still onto me! over here! let’s go! we have to make it to dropbox! yes! no! go low! woah! don’t worry, it can’t get in. it’s illegal malware, and this app is secure. come on. welcome to dropbox! you are about to leave the phone. remain seated, please! permanecer sentados por favor! might want to hang on! why do they call it dropbox, anyway? oh, this is why! i see why now! i’d better not see that candy corn again! we made it! you guys, chill. we still have to get past… that. oh… shaw. welcome to the firewall, how may I help you? alright, here goes! what should I do? sit in the corner, and don’t say a word. keep those soft fingers to yourself. yes, your majesty, princess of nightmares! now gene, step onto the password icon, and i’ll feed you the passwords. okay. okay. ten, eleven, two thousand and two. ten, eleven, two thousand and two. ow. cough. access denied. okay, try a different expression. is it going to blast me every time i messed up? yeah, kind of. what do you mean kind of? ready? welcome to the firewall. his favorite food. chimichangas! chimichangas? ow. access denied. huh. this might take a while. oh boy. krav maga! krav maga. major lazer! major lazer. what did i do now? ow. skate, or die! access denied. denied. denied. denied. i don’t get it! we’ve tried all of the important things in alex’s life! his favorite pet, his sport, his favorite grandma… i’m sorry, gene. i let us all down. now, if I had to come up with a password, I’d probably use the name of a girl I like. i’ve been all over the phone! he’s never mentioned a girl. yes he has! hi. when I was in the trash, I read a very interesting email, but, i’m just a dunce, in the corner, forbidden to speak… what email? sorry, what? what email? uh, took it out, at school, he was declaring his feelings of love for her, i guess instead of sending it he tossed it in the trash. high five, this is very important. what is her name? her name, yes! excellent question. it… was… tina. karen. marge. lint, lindsay. ack, allison. sarah, or, lupita. i want to say lupita, but that doesn’t feel right, now i’m saying it out loud. ugh.. gotta find that email, i think i can access the trash. i got it! addie! yes! yes, that’s it, addie! i knew i’d get there! dear addie, you and I, we are like diamonds in the sky. you’re a shooting star I see. a vision, ecstacy. shining bright like a diamond. he used a high-five, see? guess now we know why he trashed it. ooh, shade. guys, should we try this? addie! access granted. oh snap. this place, is, amazing. wow, i can’t believe it. woah. one little emoji could sure get lost in a place like this. i… i guess we should, make you, a meh before that bot comes back home. oh, oh, so we’re gonna do that now. we had a deal, right? yeah, okay. right. i, uh, guess i’ll start hacking. ha! we did it, gene! all our dreams are coming true! i’ll be alex’s favorite again, and you’ll be a real meh! ha ha, yeah! do the hand dance. do the hand dance. and pinky. pop it with the pinky. pop it with the pinky. yeah, but this all seems kinda super fast now, doesn’t it? i didn’t expect to be having these feelings right now. well, maybe you should go and express them while you still can. so, uh, i’ve been thinking, um, ever since we. jailbreak, you’re the coolest, most interesting emoji i’ve ever met. and, after all the adventures that we’ve had, i’m just not sure that i want all of that to go away. because, my feelings, right now, are, like, huge. i just think that they could be enough for me to want to stay the way that I am. if it means that i could stay here, with you, like, forever. forever and ever. and ever. maybe longer than that, even? like in the fairy tales. uh… wait, wuh, what is that? gene, if this is about you deciding not to be meh, then, i am all about that. i like you just the way you are, but i had a plan. right. i’m not just some princess, gene, waiting for my prince. i mean, uh, what you said was beautiful, but, gene… ha ha ha! you’re all… meh! the source code worked! turns out I didn’t need it. for the first time in life, meh is all I feel. oh! gene! i have an appointment. i’m a little early. no prob. i can take you right now. jailbreak! ah! don’t do that! that freaking huge bot has got gene back inside the phone! what? he left being more meh than the meh-est meh face i’ve seen! what did you say to him? it’s what I didn’t say. we gotta go get him. how are we going to get there in time before he gets deleted? ugh.. i can’t believe i’m doing this. you tell anyone you saw this and I’ll crack more than those knuckles. woah. birds do like princesses! it’s not a myth! it’s not a myth at all! what happened with becoming a favorite? because i’d rather have one real friend. let’s go get him. i can’t wait to see that emoji’s face! look at that expression! is that for realizing that you’ve put all of textopolis at risk? causing Alex to question our reliability? hmm? hey, now that’s going too far, even for me! if we could delete this malfunction, before he gets dissapointed, Alex will realize there’s nothing wrong with the phone. and any last words? meh. well, it’s too late for that. delete him! wait! you delete gene, you’ll have to delete me, too. what? i have the same malfunction gene has. dad? oh gosh, i don’t know what to do! yes i do! BOTS! sorry misses meh. wow. i did not see that one coming. smiler, I think you might be making too much stink out of all this. oh really? how about you’re next? i was wrong, gene. i should have believed in you all along. oh, what a touching daddy son reunion moment! it reminds me of the time I deleted you both! oh wait! that’s this time! delete the two malfunctions! How’s that for an entroof gasp oh, great. I can’t reach! oh no! what did you do to my beautiful monst Ow my tooth! hand, button! jailbreak? oh, gene… you really are a meh… what happened to looking out for number one? being number one doesn’t matter if there aren’t any other numbers. alex’s appointment! he’s deleting the phone! nononono no no no no! show me alex. are you sure you want to delete everything? do it! red alert! alex, no! game over. fellas, i’m afraid this is the last call. dude, addie’s here. you should go over. every time I try, i screwed up! i don’t even know how to tell her how I feel! if we help alex connect to addie, maybe he won’t delete us. i might be able to bypass the wipe and get a text through to him. but we’ll only have time to send one. maybe I should go! he has love in his eyes. send me! alex looks nervous, too! he’s more shy than nervous! stop! it’s gene. he’s all of those things! emo gees should only be one thing! oh, really? gasp the princess! linda? not now, mom! gene, you got this. that’s not me anymore. but I have to try. it’s starting! no! it’s ending! almost in? working on it! mom? dad? no.. i’m in! last time I was in this cube I screwed everything up. gene, why do you think I came back? it’s because of you. me. it’s all inside of you, gene. just try to bring it back. and do you. high five! i don’t want to wave goodbye! it’s now or never, gene! jailbreak, now! woah! she got this emoji! no way! hey, i got your text! that’s one super cool emoji! i know, right? a lot of feelings in one! i get it! i like that you’re one of those guys who actually expresses feelings! yeah, that’s me! so, do you think you cou yes, i’d love to go to the dance with you. we made it! oh, i could have lost you, peter pinky finger… oh, you wretchy ring finger, even you, tiberius thumb… change your mind? yeah, maybe it’s weird, but i’m going to hold onto it. gene, you did it! you saved us all! oh, mel… gee hee eene! gee hee hee heene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! gene! and us! and high five! and high five! and high five! and high five! hey, what happened, gene? slap me some skin! and a little orange for the pinky! hey high five! save a little hand for later! unless you know the hamburger! back on top of the hand pile! you’re not on the list! wait, what? what’s going on? ha! from now on, everyone is welcome! wait, what is all this? it’s for you, gene! everybody! the emoji bob! this is so jazzy… go eggplant! go eggplant! go eggplant! we are out of Alex’s pocket, emo gees! this is not a butt dial! to your cubes! are we up and running? roger that. good, because we got incoming! looks like it’s gonna be gene. hey gene, ready to try out your new cube? in 3, 2…

never watch the Shane Dawson movie.


the smosh movie is incompetently bad but it’s mostly harmless pg shenanigans. this is just R rated bad sex humour with poop gags, pretty offensive dialog, and includes Dawson’s gross characters. aka exactly like a Shane Dawson video but I forgot how bad they were because I literally haven’t thought about his existence since middle school. but this trainwreck tries to actually have a ‘serious’ emotional romance plot..