pretending to be a salad

“I would like, stare at my salad, and that was like really the first time I ever really had like flashes of the whole world like falling apart of collapsing. Like, the salad just didn’t make any sense at all, if that makes any sense. Like, ‘what the hell is happening, why is there like, little pieces of plants on a plate? Like, what is going on?’ and it’s like this little moments when like nothing makes any sense at all.”

Andrew VanWyngarden.

Originally posted by heartofdevastation

It seems like it has been forever since I wrote a Jai one shot. Here is some fluff that came into my head when I saw a pic of Jai in the grocery store (looking rather interesting). Hope you enjoy.

Whole Foods

You sighed as you pushed your cart down the grocery aisle. You were sore and tired from the yoga class you just left. You should have went straight home as you knew you looked a hot mess from sweating hard in class but you needed to pick up a few essentials before heading home. You bent down to check the prices on a few cans of olives you wanted to have with your salad you planned to make later.

That is when Jai first saw you. His eyes trained in on your ample bottom in tight yoga pants and the sun tattoo on the small of your back, which showed as your yoga shirt had lifted a little as you bent over. When you lifted upright Jai quickly looked away and pretended he was looking for salad dressing.  You looked over at the tall figure that was in your peripheral vision and he looked over at you and smiled the sexist smile at you. You recognized him instantly. Jai Courtney was a few feet away from you in a grocery store aisle and you looked like shit. You had no makeup on and you just knew your loose afro puff on the top of your head was probably lopsided by now from all the poses you did in class. Should you say something? You can’t let the opportunity of getting a selfie with him, no matter how bad you looked, pass by.

“Hi.” You mustered out and gave him your best smile.

“Hi back.”

Oh my God his accent sounded so sexy.

“Can I get a selfie with you?”

Jai walked up to you. He was wearing brown shorts and a white t-shirt that showed off his muscular chest.

“Now why would you want a selfie with me?” he asked teasing.  You shifted on your feet, as you were getting nervous under his penetrating gaze.

“Now why would I not want a picture with the handsome Jai Courtney.” You looked up at him innocently and you were rewarded with another sexy smile.

“Well who can say no to your beautiful face. What’s your name?”

“Y/N” You extended your hand for a handshake but was shocked when he lifted your hand and kissed it. What a sweetheart you thought. Clearing the fog from your brain, you hesitantly tore your eyes away from him to grab your phone out your purse. As you position your phone for a selfie Jai scooted closer you and wrapped his arms around your waist. You started to tremble. God he smelled good! Looking at yourself on your phone next to him you realized you didn’t look as bad as you thought. You took several pictures and almost fell out when you snapped the last picture and Jai had kissed your cheek.

“Jai!” you mock gasped. He laughed and you noticed he did not remove his arm from around your waist.

“If you put those on Instagram make sure you tag me. You do have Instagram right?”

“Yes I do and I follow you. I can’t put the last picture up there.”

“Why not?” Jai asked as he finally let go of your waist.

“I don’t want your girlfriend coming after me. What is her name Becky or something.”

Jai chuckled. “Oh you throwing shade huh? Becky with the good hair? If you follow me you know that’s not her name and it’s ex now.”

Originally posted by simonsayswhatnow

You raised your eyebrows. So he was single now.

“How you know what shade even means or whether I was throwing it or not?”

“I have been in America long enough to pick up on a few things.”

“So……ex-girlfriend huh? You are single now?”

Jai moved closer to you again.

“Yep…..but maybe not for long.” He said looking you up and down slowly. You just felt your core clench with desire.  Jai took out his phone. “What’s your phone number?”

“What gives you the assumption that I don’t have a boyfriend?”

“He won’t be for long. What’s your number?” he asked again. His cockiness turned you on and you gave him your number. Hell, you were single anyway and in the back of your head, you knew you would have given him your number even if you weren’t. “Can I call you tonight? Maybe we can go out to eat and eat some real food.” Jai said as he noticed all your vegan products in your cart.


Jai’s smile widen.

Originally posted by finnbalcr

“Tonight it is then.”

“Then it is.” You smiled back just before turning around to your cart and heading down the aisle to the fruits and fresh vegetable section.

Jai watched you walk away. His eyes trained on your ass again. He smiled to himself as he thought how much he could not wait to see your sexy body outside of your yoga clothes. He wondered just how flexible you were and he was determined to find out.

anonymous asked:

Can I just have a glass of water, please. *She turned her attention back to Kylo once the waiter had left* And I know its none of my business, but I hope the people you really date let you know how incredible and wonderful you are. Because if they don't, they really aren't worth youe time. But I'lll shut up now, sorry. So um, what's... what's good to eat here?

The waiter nodded and left, and Kylo set his menu aside, “that’s sweet of you, kid. It’s been a while since I’ve been on a date, pretend or otherwise.”

“The food here is a little different, most of its sharing so we’ll have to agree. I thought it could be a good trait for a pretend couple to have. Your entree you pick for yourself, and your salad if you want one, cheese and dessert and whatever we’re cooking our main course in we’ll have to decide together.”

((I’m mildly obsessed with the fondue restaurant near me, sorry if I get too into this 😂))

“I can diet for two or three days. I can eat a few salads and pretend like I enjoy them. But then I always have a massive relapse. I just left Checkers. Some guy handed me a coupon on the street and that was all it took. Next thing you know I’m eating two burgers and a fry. Total disaster. Only $4 though. I’ll have a salad for dinner tomorrow.”

Fic: Good Cop, Bad Cop

A Chris Evans One-shot (featuring daddy!chris)

Thanks for reading!! xx



And there it was. Natalia refrained from sighing, hearing her daughter use her sugary sweet voice in order to properly persuade her husband into giving in. She had just told her no, for her to go wash up for dinner instead of giving permission for her and her siblings to use the markers on their new coloring books. This was a reoccurring thing. Whenever she had denied one of the kids’ requests, they then turned to Chris, as if what she had said meant nothing at all.

“What’s up, baby girl?” Chris asked, grabbing the stack of dishes from the cupboard to set the dinner table.

Hadley bounced from foot to foot and twisted her fingers together. “Can we, um, use the good markers to color?”

Natalia waited in silence, pretending to be engrossed with the salad she was tossing together. She knew where this was going, expecting the same outcome as always from years and years of parenting with him. He was the good cop and she was the bad cop.

“I don’t know, babe,” he said, counting the six plates before reiterating what Natalia had told their daughter moments prior. “Dinner’s going to be ready soon.”

Hadley folded her bottom lip over her top. “Pleeeeeease.”

Chris chuckled, looking down at her adorable face. How could he say no? Playfully tugging on her french braid with his free hand, he asked with raised brows, “Well, are they the washable ones?”

Keep reading

  • waiter: what side would you like with that? we have salad or fries
  • my fake ass pretending that the salad is even an option: hmmm interesting let me consider that for a second... i think i may as well go with the fries! haha
The Story We Know

by Martha Collins

The way to begin is always the same. Hello,
Hello. Your hand, your name. So glad, Just fine,
and Good-bye at the end. That’s every story we know,

and why pretend? But lunch tomorrow? No?
Yes? An omelette, salad, chilled white wine?
The way to begin is simple, sane, Hello,

and then it’s Sunday, coffee, the Times, a slow
day by the fire, dinner at eight or nine
and Good-bye. In the end, this is a story we know

so well we don’t turn the page, or look below
the picture, or follow the words to the next line:
The way to begin is always the same Hello.

But one night, through the latticed window, snow
begins to whiten the air, and the tall white pine.
Good-bye is the end of every story we know

that night, and when we close the curtains, oh,
we hold each other against that cold white sign
of the way we all begin and end. Hello,
Good-bye is the only story. We know, we know.