Local man Nate Preshiram, who recently turned 17, was found dead today from sucking on seven hundred cocks. “He was dizzy when he was going to town on the 673rd one; we noticed something was up,” said Julio Suavez, a witness to the event (who categorized himself only as “the 299th cock”). “It wasn’t, like, choking on the 700th cock, either. He wasn’t gagging. The cock was out of his mouth and [Nate] literally just dropped dead. Crazy.”

Gabe Sutanto, 32-year-old store manager and the 700th cock, was particularly guilty about the event. “It was like…700 cocks? All fine? I think there might be something wrong with mine. But…my wife didn’t die after blowing me last night? Don’t use my real name in this article by the way.”

Roger Fink (the 66th cock) took a more spiritual route to the strange ordeal. “It was truly divine; a nice, round number, too. 700 cocks. Not 699, 700 cocks. Seven, as you know, is also a number attributed to luck, the gods, God, angels…I believe all who witnessed this strange event have been blessed in an incurable way.” Fink was arrested two hours later when he robbed a Pet Smart, drunkingly believing it to be “a gay bar for parakeets”.