presented without comment

The Signs As Jack Handey Quotes
  • Aries: "After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how's it going?""
  • Taurus: “The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!”
  • Gemini: “Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.”
  • Cancer: “I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.”
  • Leo: "I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it."
  • Virgo: "Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs."
  • Libra: “I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn’t say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there’s a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.”
  • Scorpio: "The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me.""
  • Sagittarius: "You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress."
  • Capricorn: "I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around."
  • Aquarius: “We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.”
  • Pisces: "Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save our national forests."