preparing myself for feels

The fact that i have 25 days till i give birth is crazy. I’ve been pregnant for way to long, it feels like i’ve been preparing myself for years which i have been but i still feel so anxious knowing that im going to become a mother very soon. I can not wait till i get to meet my creation. I’ve had a few tough complications that happened along the way but i conquered them all & im still growing strong. I couldn’t be anymore thankful for the man above for saving me & guiding me. I have a lot more accomplishing to do, i’ve learned so much mentally & physically. Being a young mom is harder than it seems but once you have a good support system behind you that wants to see you win you won’t be losing. Support & love from those you love will motivate you when you really need it. More life, positivity & Love!

anonymous asked:

So this recent stuff has me a bit scared, and I wanted to see if anyone here does any training for self defense and if you had any routines to follow to prepare myself if something like this happens near me.

tbh, we’re all feeling a bit vulnerable right now.  Maybe it’s time for an Antifa Self-Defense Master Post!

General thoughts about antifascist self-defence

Martial Arts

-Our post about what we think are the best forms for martial arts for situations we’re likely to encounter;

-Our other post on that same topic

-Thessaloniki, Greece’s antifa martial arts tournament

-Poland’s Freedom Fighters antifa MMA tournament

-Brighton UK’s Physical Resistance antifa MMA & boxing tournament

-Italy’s network of antifascist gyms and boxing clubs

Getting In Good Shape

-Post #1 about getting in better physical shape

-Post #2 about getting in better physical shape

Guns?

-An introduction to the topic from an anti-fascist perspective

-Some antifa with guns

-One U.S. antifa’s personal experience with guns + antifa organizing

-The Phoenix John Brown Gun Club

-The Huey P. Newton Gun Club

-Redneck Revolt

Misc.

Defending Against Knife Attacks

Basic Internet Security For Anti-Fascists

Me: *Checks for fanfics on a ship*

Fanfic: *Well written but incomplete with an angst filled cliff hanger* *Last updated 4 years ago*

Me: *Already preparing myself for feels and crushing disappointment as I click on it.* Cover me, I’m going in.

dailymotion

4/2 Interview with Yuzuru and Shoma after the Worlds gala. Translated by @cantilovertranslations

Y = Yuzuru, S = Shoma, I = Interviewers

I1: Congratulations!!

Y and S: Thank you!

I1: Hanyu-senshu. Your free was unbelievable.

Y: Thank you.

I1: After getting 5th in the short, how did you get over it and have a strong mentality for the free (literal translation: how did you switch your feelings)??

Y: I actually did not prepare myself mentally (literal translation: I did not switch my feelings), and it was my fans’ voices and the voices of support from my team that motivated me.

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5

And here’s my little contribution for chapter 03 from Of Bright Stars and Burning Hearts by @kazliin

Took some liberties with these painels and enjoyed a lot to paint this comic. Yuuri clothing was based in Yuzuru Hanyu Hope and Legacy costume, and his pose on the accident painel was based from an actual accident that happened with this same skater (though I changed things a little to fit better the description from the fic.)

What I can say, I love this fic so I couldn’t resist doing more art :P, and this part specifically I liked a lot, most because of how Victor’s feelings were described. Now I’ll prepare myself mentally for when chapter 04 comes because I’m sure I’ll cry again while reading lol ;w;

Interview

Group/Member: BTS/Namjoon

Words: 1874

Genre/Warnings: smut, dom!Namjoon, sub!reader, bondage, oral (reader receiving)

Summary: y/n is interviewing Namjoon, and it goes differently than she expected

Request: anonymous

A/N: My first Namjoon smut! I really hope you enjoy! I think this one turned out pretty well! ~Admin Unnie

Originally posted by kimdaily

“Thank you again for inviting me to this party.” I say to Bang Sihyuk after I finish asking him a few questions. I am a reporter for an online music blog, and the CEO of BigHit had extended an invitation to us to come to their album release party held at the fanciest hotel in Seoul.

“No, thank you for accepting the invitation. The boys have absolutely loved every article you’ve written, whether it be about them or someone else.” I smile and shake his hand again as I feel someone’s eyes on me. I turn my head, and sure enough, there he is. Rap Monster, the man who has been giving me glances all night.

He notices that I’ve caught him staring, and I can see him smirk over the top of his glass, as if he’s beckoning me to come over. I grip my mini notepad tightly as I make my way over to him. “What does a girl have to do to get an exclusive interview with the leader of the first K-Pop group to win a Billboard?” I ask as I approach him.

“Well, you’re doing good so far.” He sets his glass down and leans against the bar. I flip open the notepad and click my pen, preparing to write down his answers. “Woah, you’re just gonna start asking questions without even introducing yourself?”

I chuckle a little before holding my hand out for him to shake. “Y/N.” He pulls his hand back after shaking mine as I say, “And you are Rap Monster.”

“Please, call me Namjoon.”

“If you insist.” I clear my throat as I position the tip of the pen on the paper. “So, what do you think made it possible for your group to win a Billboard?”

“The fans of course. We would be nothing without them.” I looked at him, expecting to see that usual ‘couldn’t care less’ look I saw in the other idols I had interviewed, but all I saw was true sincerity. Unlike the others, he cared for the fans.

I continued asking questions, varying from inquiring about the writing process, to personal questions, such as what they do during their time off. Along the way, even though I reminded him that I was on the job, he convinced me to have a drink with him. “Okay,” I set my glass back down on the bar, “now for the final question, which I’m sure you’ve been anticipating.” I giggle. “What is your ideal type?”

As if I had pressed a button, the atmosphere seemed to be charged with something that I could not figure out. “I personally like reporters that are too innocent to realize how their dress is making their interviewee feel.”

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Wrong Place Wrong Time (22)

I DO NOT OWN THIS GIF!
Part 22 of an ongoing series, enjoy :)
A fanfic for a more Mature audience due to violence and language. Read at your own risk :)

Themes=😖,🌟,💣,🎭 ,😊 ,. (☠️- Harm towards characters, Strong language and Adult themes.)

Summary: You end up in the wrong place at the wrong time and it has negative repercussions. Main characters include: Reader and EXO.

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3 Part 4  Part 5 Part 6  Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11Part 12  Part 13  Part 14  Part 15  Part 16  Part 17  Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21  Part 23  Part 24  Part 25  Part 26  Part 27  Part 28  Part 29  Part 30  Part 31  Part 32  Part 33  Part 34  Part 35 (Final)

Word Count: 2,213

😊 -Kind of fluffy


Your heart was beating against your ribcage, it felt as though it was about to burst through your chest. Surely you were dreaming, this was all a dream, it could not be real. Minseok was still holding you against his chest and the familiar warmth and smell filled your senses, as if on impulse you wrapped your arms around him, this time you really didn’t want to let go, you were scared that if you did he would vanish into thin air, he would cease to exist, so you held on for a bit longer, keeping your ear flat against his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart beat. He was actually alive.

“Minseok I –But I-I don’t understand. I saw you…I saw you burn in that van.”

“No you didn’t. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here.” He mumbled, the vibration of his voice buzzing around your body.

“But I did, I saw it go up in flames and –I can’t this is too much, I don’t know anymore.” You were beginning to cry again, as if you hadn’t cried enough in the past month, pushing yourself out of Minseok’s hold you picked up your crutches from the side and started making your way towards the exit of the Church.

“Y/N wait.” He caught up with and bent down in front of you. “Come on jump up.” You blinked momentarily, not only was he alive but he was still being nice to you. “Come on.”
 You gave him your crutches and struggled to climb on his back.

“Wow, I can’t believe this; I’m being given a piggyback ride by a spirit.” You had to pinch yourself to make sure this was real, you were still crying but not as loudly now, it was mostly just sniffing.
Minseok walked out of the church, turning right down the road. “Where are you going, the house is that way?” You asked, pointing in the opposite direction.

“I know, but we’re not going home. Not to that one anyway.” You carried on down different roads in silence, it was completely dark now and the moon was full, it looked so beautiful and close to you , almost as though you could reach it.

“We’re here.” Minseok lowered you onto the ground. You were at a small Tudor house, there were multiple plant pots lined up outside, but all of the plants were dead. Bending down, Minseok moved one of them aside and reached for a single silver key underneath.

“Minseok, what are you doing? We can’t break into someone else’s house, I don’t want to be involved.”

“Relax.” He said unlocking the door and pulling you in, “It’s my house.” He picked you up, walking through the house swiftly, hardly giving you a chance to see anything and opened up the garden door. The grass was slightly overgrown, but the garden itself was spacious. He lay you down on the grass, laying beside you, both of you staring up at the sky. It was beautiful, there were so many stars out alongside the moon and the beauty of it almost took your breath away, you had never seen so many stars in the sky at one time.

“This is your parent’s house right? Why are we here?”

“Yes it is. And because I didn’t want to go home, I don’t want to deal with the boys yet I know they’ll be happy to see me, but I’m not sure I can deal with all of that emotion yet. Also I wanted to talk…just you and me.” He paused for a moment, and you could hear his steady breathing.
“There’s something I’ve been meaning to admit to you. Don’t worry this isn’t a wedding proposal or anything so you can breathe. But since I let my walls down to you that day, I feel so much calmer and happier, I guess I feel like someone kind of understands me in a way, it makes me compelled to being around you more, I wanted to show you the house because…I don’t know, I guess…I don’t know. Gosh I sound so stupid right now. I hate you for turning me into this soft guy, I feel like the me before my parents died, the vulnerable me and I hate it. But deep down I feel like I needed it, I think…so thanks.” He cleared his throat and you knew it was because he was embarrassed if it had been broad daylight you would’ve seen his face turn a bright red.

“You wanted to show me this place? Wow I feel honoured Minseok. Thanks.” You breathed; you let the silence take over for a while, looking up at the night sky before you broke it again.
“How are you still alive Minseok?”

He laughed softly. “I was in the other van Y/N. I guess I was just lucky. When I woke up, I kind of just tried to piece together what happened, so I jumped in the front and hotwired the van. Stopping at a petrol station, I bought a box of matches, drove to some place I didn’t even know existed not too far away and set the van on fire, I was literally going to come and tend to the gravestones when I saw you guys burying ‘me’ so I didn’t want to interrupt.” He burst out laughing now making you laugh too, just imagining the look on his face when he realised what was going on.

You went quiet again looking up at the sky.

“What are you thinking about?” Minseok whispered to you.

“Hmm? Oh. I was just thinking it’s weird you really used to hate me at first, like really ‘want to slit my throat and kill me’ kind of hate me, now I’m literally just having a conversation with you like none of this ever happened.” You turned your head to look at him

“Yeah I guess so. Sorry. I’ll never apologise again so take it or leave it.” He turned to look at you, pulling a face.

“Why did you even hate me, really I was innocent in all of this, no?”

Minseok stared at you for a while, blinking for a second. “You reminded me of someone. A girl. We were dating a few months, I was still young. I thought I was in love at the time, when I look back now I realise that I wasn’t.” He laughed at himself mockingly. “The point is I was infatuated with her at time, when my parents died, she just…left me. When I needed support the most, the worst part was she left me for my best friend. I was livid, she was such a fucking traitor, I suffered four loses at the same time. My mum, my dad her and my best friend. You’re close with Chanyeol the way we were close once and it made me feel sick, I just assumed you were a traitor too, I assumed you’d get us into deep shit.You reminded me of everything I’d ever lost in life. And I guess theoretically you have got us into trouble, but it was never intentional.”

You nodded at him, now you understood why. You felt bad for Minseok, he had kept so much bottled up inside and never shared it with anyone, it made your heart bleed. He had been carrying such heavy burdens on his shoulder, for such a long time.
“So do you want me to take you back to the guys now? I’m going to come back after though, I won’t stay I don’t want to see them just yet, I feel as though I need to prepare myself for the overwhelming amount of emotion?” He asked, standing up from his spot on the floor

“No, actually…I’d prefer to stay…I mean can I?” You asked, embarrassed that you’d even said it you sat upright waiting for him to say no.

“Oh. Yeah sure. But the rooms are bound to be dusty…” You blinked, you really didn’t expect him to let you stay, you were almost excited it was as though you were having a sleepover. He picked you up carrying you over his shoulder and walking upstairs. He opened the door, switching on a dull lamp in the corner revealing a blue room, plane and ship figures lined up on the shelves and a desk covered in astrology books. He placed you on the bed and sat beside you.

“This was your room?” You looked around, it was dusty it hadn’t been used for years though, so what could you expect? He nodded.

You looked towards him and smiled, it was nice getting to know him on deeper level. He stared at you for a while opening his mouth and closing it again.

“Oh goodness…Minseok no…not again.” Your breath hitched in your throat.

“I thought the first time was just mistake, it shouldn’t be happening twice right?” You were both referring to the fact that you were currently experiencing another ‘moment’.
“Maybe it’s not a mistake Y/N…”

“Don’t be stupid, of course it is.” You tried forcing your face away from him, but he pulled you closer into him across the bed and planted his lips on top of yours. It was happening again, you and Minseok were kissing again and it felt undeniably good, you felt the same warmth and electricity running through your body. You slipped your hands behind his head, locking your fingers into his hair whilst his hands snaked around your waist. The kiss was intense and you couldn’t get enough of him, you really didn’t want it to stop, you were confused as to why you were feeling this way but you didn’t want Minseok to break away. Your lips were still moving against each other and the kiss was more fervent than the last. To your dismay he pulled away, leaving only the sensation of his lips behind.

“Y/N, we can’t keep doing this. It’s not right.” He frowned down at his hands that he had just withdrawn from your waist. You nodded, biting your lip nervously.
“Look you should get some sleep I’ll –” Just then your bag began to vibrate, staring down confused you opened it up. It was the burner that Junmyeon had given you. You picked it up.

“Hello?” You answered, your voice barely a whisper.

“Y/N, where the heck are you, you’ve been gone for ages. Chanyeol’s going crazy at home. I’m at the church now and you’re not there. We’ve all had the worst day ever, why are you doing this?!” It was Kyungsoo and he sounded livid. You had completely forgotten about needing to get home.

“Oh. I…sorry, I just kept walking and then I kind of got lost.” You lied, looking over at Minseok and pulling a face. “But I’m nearly home now so you can go back, I’m sorry for this, see you later.” You cut off quickly before he had a chance to reply.

“I should get you back home.” Minseok said carrying you off the bed and walking you down the stairs.


You slipped into the house quietly and tiptoed into your room. Today was such a blur and headache it was definitely time for some sleep. You slipped out of your dress and shoes and into some comfortable pyjamas. Just then you heard a tapping on your window. You were confused your window was so high up, it wasn’t on the ground floor. Opening the curtains you saw Minseok standing below pelting stones upwards, You opened the window up.

“What?” you whispered as loudly as you could.

“Leave it open, I’m coming up.” He began climbing up a black pole, on the side of your wall and in seconds he was in your room. “I’m sleeping on the floor okay.” You blinked in confusion, you weren’t even granted the chance to decline, so you kind of just went along with it.
Just then your bedroom door opened, causing you to jump up in shock. To see Kyungsoo standing at the door, his eyes went wide.

“Hey, I could’ve been naked, you have to knock!” You screamed.

“MINSEOK?!” Kyungsoo’s face went blank. “WHAT THE FUCK?!”


 You were all sat in the board apart from Jongin and Kris at this. Everyone was crying, after Minseok had explained what exactly had happened but this time it was tears of happiness, Sehun couldn’t tear himself away from Minseok. You had never in all your time here seen any of the boys so happy.

“You know we  have to dig that body back up right? There’s a random guy buried with my mum right now.” He cringed, making you all laugh a little bit.

“I should get Jongin and Kris.” You opted, grabbing your crutches and standing up from your seat. You walked slowly towards Jongin’s room, as you were about to turn the corner you heard Jongin and Kris talking, you paused momentarily.

“…We have to kill him though Kris. You know if we don’t then dad will fucking take over everything, so many people will die.”

“I know, but it’s not easy to take out Jay Lee Jongin, he’s got tight security around him and stop calling him dad he’s not worth that much credit.”

“Dad, Red, Jay Lee, whatever. He’s fucking shit anyway and –what was that noise”

You tried to back away from the corner, but you moved too fast causing one of your crutches to slip from your hand and you to fall down with it, both of the tall men turned the corner, looming above you.


“What the fuck?” You cried. “You two are related. Red is your fucking father?!

I Feel Ready With You - Cole Smut

Request:  Losing virginity smut to Cole??? If that’s cool with you obviously!

Warnings: Mild language, smut

Notes: lmao, it’s just straight into it, so good luck 😉  and yes, the shirtless guy is Cole 😜
_____________________________________________________

*YOUR P.O.V*

“Are you sure? Because I’m not going to do anything if you’re not okay with it”, Cole says, holding my hand. 

“I want to. We’ve been together for a while and I feel ready with you”, I reassure him. He smiles and kisses me passionately on the lips. He laid me down on the bed, hovering over me. Cole peppered me with kisses all over my neck and collar bones. Chills run up my spine at the touch of his fingers on my waist and thighs. My heart raced, as nerves kicked in. He lifted up my shirt and kissed all the way up to my bra, sliding an arm under me, skillfully unclasping my bra. He took my shirt off and bra off, dropping it on the floor, down the side of the bed. I grew self-conscience and Cole noticed, as he unfolded my arms, which were covering my boobs. 

“You’re so beautiful. There’s no need to hide it”, Cole whispered. I smile slightly and gently place my arms away from my body. Cole leaned down and kissed my right boob, squeezing the other in his hand. I gasped at the new pleasurable sensation, arching my back slowly. Cole then moved and kisses between the valley of my boobs, kissing down to the hem of my leggings.

“May I?”, he asks. I nod, being okay with him pulling my leggings down, knowing he’s obviously seen my legs before. He pulls them off and again, drops it on the floor. Cole kissed my inner-thigh, causing me to moan quietly.  He smiles slightly against my thigh. 
 He looks at me again and I nod, knowing he was going to ask if it was okay to pull my panties down. He nods then hooks fingers under the hem, and pulls them down slowly, then spread my legs a little wider. My heart beats faster and I bit my lip in anticipation and nervousness. I placed my hands on my stomach, playing with my shaking fingers. Cole noticed my breathing fasten and my hands, and he grabs my them, intertwining his fingers through mine.   

Cole licks a stripe of my clit. 

“Cole”, I gasp, closing my eyes. He kitten-licks slowly, before sucking. I moan loudly, slightly embarrassed  about the sound, as I bit my lip, trying to hide them

“No need to hide them, baby. They’re just as beautiful as you are”, Cole says against my clit, sending vibrations against them. The sound of his voice plus the vibrations of it against my clit almost made me come undone right then and there. I couldn’t help but let out a moan. Cole lets go of one of my hands and slides in a finger and pumped it. It felt a little weird but, the finger itself was fine was it was just slightly bigger than a tampon; so it didn’t hurt. Cole noticed that I got used to the feeling and slid another finger in. 

“Fuck, Cole, Stop”, I whimper in pain. He immediately pulls his fingers out and hushes me.

“Shh, it’s okay, baby. You’re completely safe, okay? We don’t have to continue if you don’t want to”, Cole reassures me. 

Originally posted by a-khaleen

“N-no it’s okay. I want this”

“Are you sure?”, he asks. I nod and tell him to continue. He nods and gives a small smile. He pumps in a finger, getting me used to the feeling again. I moaned and prepared myself for the second finger. Shortly after, he pumped in another finger. I winced and bit my lip. Cole kissed my thigh as he pumped his fingers, then kissed my clit and went back to sucking it. I moaned loudly, finally used to the feeling of his two fingers pumping in me. My free hand went to his hair, tangling it in my hair, pulling it gently. Cole grunted at that, again, sending vibrations onto my clit.

“Shit, Cole.. Fuck”, I moan loudly, pulling his hair a little harder - but not too hard. “I-I’m close”, I whimper. 

“I know, baby. I know”, he says against my clit. 

“Shit, shit, shit. Fuck, Cole. Oh!”, I moan out, realising all over his fingers. He continued to ride out my high. Cole pulled his fingers out and hovered over me again, kissing me passionately. 

“Was that okay?”, he asks. 

“It was perfect”, I smile at him.

“Do you want to continue, or leave it here?”

“Can we… Continue?”, I asked, biting my lip as I waited for his answer. Cole smiled and nodded, then kissed my forehead. Cole straddles me, taking off his shirt. 

“Holy shit”, I whispered as I stared at his slightly toned abs. 

He laughs and unties the string on his sweatpants, getting off me to pull them off, along with his boxers. Cole hovered over me again and kissed me. We spent a minute or so, just kissing and enjoying the moment, before he pulled away, asking for reassurance again, then pulled out a condom from the bedside table draw. I gulped when I saw the sizing label. Shit. Cole slid it on him, then teased my clit with his, now hard, cock. I gasped quietly. Cole grabbed my hands again, as he saw the scared expression in my eyes. 

He slowly slid in, squeezing my hands, while doing so. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, feeling a burning pain in my lower region. Once Cole was fully in, he stayed there for a while, allowing me to adjust to his -big- size. 

“You alright?”

“Y-yeah, I’m okay. The pain is slowly easing away. You can m-move now”, I replied honestly. He nodded and slowly - yet very carefully - rocked his hips into me. I bit my lip and eased up a little. Cole whispered sweet nothings into my ear, helping me to feel better. He continued to rock his hip back and forth into me. 

“Cole, holy s-shit”, I moan out, finally feeling the pain turn into pleasure. “F-faster”. Cole obeys and thrusts a little bit faster, still keeping a steady pace. 

After a few moments, I felt the knot in my stomach spike up again. My moaning got louder, and so did Cole’s small grunts - indicating that he was close too. 

“Y/n”, he moaned into my neck, before biting it softly. I moan his name again and clench around him. 

“O-oh fuck. Do that again, baby”, Cole moans. I clench again, causing him to moan louder. 

“Oh, Cole! Right there!”, I moan loudly as I came for the second time that night. Cole came shortly after, then pulled out shortly after. He got up and disposed the condom, laying down next to me afterwards, pulling me into him. 

“You’re gonna be soar tomorrow, so I’ll call in your work and say that you’re unwell”, Cole whispered, kissing my forehead. I nodded and continued to pant slightly. “Oh, and I’ll also make you breakfast-in-bed”. 

Sober - Part Six (UPDATED)

Angst/Slight bit of Fluff/ but mostly angst

Characters: Kwon Jiyong a.k.a G-Dragon (BigBang), Song Mino (WINNER) 

Part One Part Five Part Seven

Originally posted by peaceminus8ne

Originally posted by mvssmedia

“Mia!” Mino shouts my name in such a high note that I think that the glass of water in his hands will burst into shards.

I smile at him as he stumbles to get up from the armchair and run towards me. There’s an expression of fear and relief in his face, accompanied by his puffy cheeks which seem to be streaked with tears. I try to sit upright but he puts a hand on my chest and gently pushes me back down. He puts his hand behind my head and places it on the plastic covered pillow.

“What- how - why am I here?” I stammer through my words and looks at the small hospital room.

“Shhh,” Mino comfortingly pushing my bangs away from my face and plants a single kiss on my cheek. “You got into a little accident and got a concussion.”

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PSA TO FANS WHO STAN ‘unpopular’/’underrated’ GROUPS : please reblog

So I’m writing this to other fans that know the struggle of being constantly scared for the disbandment of one of your fave groups. I know Nu'est fans, Topp Dogg fans, After School, Stellar, B.I.G, Madtown, 24k, Boys Republic, MYNAME, Berry Good, Rainbow, Sonamoo, f(x), History and so many other fandoms can relate. You all know who you are, and I’m praying, hoping, that we can all help each other out again, like we’ve done before and band together to help support a group that I really don’t want to disappear like so many others have.

If you’re interested in helping out that would mean the world to me but if not, maybe you could check out some of the links I’ve attached below, or REBLOG, or even just check out one video: BIGSTAR’s most recent comeback Full Moon Shine. If you’d like to just skip to the links, I’ll have everything under the cut, but if you’d like to read a little about the group and hear my thoughts that would be awesome. (There is quite a bit, I will warn you.)

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Werewolf (Liam Dunbar)

Originally posted by arthurpaindragon

This imagine was requested by @leah-broflovski

sorry for the delay, I’ve been preparing for school starting this coming week (senior year woot woot)

Can you write a Liam Dunbar imagine where the reader and Liam are dating. They are both werewolves but Liam hasn’t told the reader because he doesn’t know she is one and he shows her after he has been canceling dates for pack meetings and he says that he can’t show her so she ends up shining her beta eyes at him because she smells that he is a werewolf”

Warnings: none :)


This past year has been extremely hard.  What, with taking the SATs and applying to colleges and dealing with relationship problems and being broke and understanding my AP classes and, oh yeah, the small detail of becoming a freaking werewolf, my life is what one would call a complete train wreck.

Okay, yes, the whole “super-strength, heightened abilities, fast-healing” thing is incredible, but I’m still getting used to it all.  The smells are overwhelming and I’m not sure what they all mean.  Every time I feel angry, I want to rip someone’s head off and every time I am happy, I have the urge to sprint through the halls and howl loud enough to shatter any glass near me.  And with the pros come the cons: I have no idea who turned me and I have no one to answer the million questions we have.  I can’t tell my parents, they’d put me in a mental facility.  My other brother would laugh in my face.  There are no teachers or adults at Beacon Hills High who I could confess this to, so that leaves Liam, my boyfriend.

Kind of.

These days, we are more like distant acquaintances who rarely kiss and hold hands.  Emphasis on “rarely”.  Don’t get me wrong, he was a really good boyfriend at first.  We would go out all the time, watch movies, Netflix and chill minus the dirty stuff, Netflix and chill with extra dirty stuff, and even though we were together all the time, we never got sick of each other.  Just being near him was enough for me.  But apparently that ceased being enough for him.  He became really distant and moody and suspicious.  Our date nights have become non-existent and he has begun to dodge me in the halls.  The honeymoon phase has officially ended and I fear our relationship is heading down the same path.

What’s even weirder is he smells different.  I don’t mean he bought a new cologne or changed his laundry detergent, but his core scent has changed.  I mention this to Mason and he just frowns.

“Anyway, now that we’re on this topic, how are you guys?”  Although he says this lightly, there is an undertone of caring and concern.  I must sound crazy and obsessed.  “Why don’t you just ask Liam if you think there’s something off?”

I clear my throat and ride forward on the balls of my feet, trying to delay this conversation.  To busy myself, I unlock my locker and grab my books for my afternoon classes.

“Come on, I’m your best friend, tell me.”  He puts a hand on my wrist and I stop, feeling suddenly vulnerable and weak.

“I just- I mean, Liam tells you everything, right?  He would tell you if there was something going on?”

He frowns and tilts his head slightly, “Like what?”

“Mason, please tell me the truth.  Is he cheating on me?  I know something is off with him and I need to know what it is.”

His shoulders slump with… relief?  That must be the smell he is giving off.  “He’s not cheating on you.  How could you think that?  He loves you.  Trust me.  He never lets me forget it.”

“Then why the hell does he avoid me?  I haven’t seen him in weeks.  It’s like we aren’t even together anymore.  Maybe we should breaku-”

“-Stop.  Don’t think that way.  I’m telling you, he loves you.  He’s just… going through a tough time right now.  Maybe you could invite him over.  Have a movie night like the good old days.  He needs something normal in his life right now.”  Boy, I can relate.  Dammit, I hate when Mason’s right and he’s always right.  If I make Liam feel comfortable, maybe he will tell me what’s wrong and I can figure out what that smell is and why it makes my core blaze with a need to be defensive.


Popcorn?  Check.

M&Ms?  Check.

The Breakfast Club on DVD?  Check.

A huge mountain of pillows and blankets that feels like heaven?  Triple check.

My night and my living room are perfectly set up for Liam.  My boyfriend.  My boyfriend.  The boy I love.

Does repeating something make it more true?  I just want everything to return to the way it was before, so I am going to steer clear of the changes I’ve noticed and hopefully re-kindle all that Liam and I felt when we first met.  Lost in thought, I barely hear the doorbell ring and jump a little when Liam announces he is coming in.

“I’m in here!”  I prepare myself to see Liam in what feels like a lifetime.  The moment I see his big blue eyes, all suspicions and hesitations fade away.  I walk forward with my arms out and he meets me halfway.  For a few moments, we are a tangle of arms and whispers and I am completely happy again.  But then, that smell comes back.  Being a new werewolf, I still have trouble associating feelings to scents, but this is different.  It is more permanent and I feel the need to wolf-out, ready to fight.  I go against this with every fiber of my being and distract myself by popping in the movie and getting comfortable with the huge bowl of popcorn.

“Okay, I’ll just sit over here, then.”  Liam sits on the cold hardwood floor and fakes a disappointed expression.

“Shut up and get over here, baby blue.”  I giggle and pat the space next to me, satisfied with his new nickname.  I mean, it’s kind of perfect.

“Baby blue?  What the hell do you mean?”

I scoff and throw a few pieces of popcorn in his direction.  “Please, Liam, you know exactly what I mean.  You have baby blue eyes.”  I lower my voice for this part.  “You also act like a baby sometimes.”

“Oh, really?  I act like a baby.  Get over here, you little-”  He gets up and basically jumps on top of me, wiggling his fingers on my sides.  Thank God, he forgot my most ticklish spot.  I squirm to get away from him and he holds my arms above my head, slowly leaning his head down towards my neck and I start flailing around, trying to get away from him.  The crook of my neck is the point that, if touched, makes me instantly pee with laughter.  He starts pressing kisses there and I plead with him to let me go.  After a few minutes of torture and loud protests, he finally does.

I pant and try to calm my beating heart.  My sides ache from laughing so hard and my voice is scratchy.  I push his shoulder as he laughs at my disheveled state and say, “Thanks a lot, jerk.  Now I have-”  I am interrupted by his phone vibrating.  With an apologetic look, he grabs it off the coffee table and the screen lights up his face as he reads.  When he’s finished, he stands.

“Who is it?”  I say, lightly, hoping it’s his mom telling him to lock the door when he gets home.

“I can’t show you, but I have to go.”  I stand, angry that our night is being cancelled yet again.

“Liam, don’t do this.  I haven’t seen you in what feels like a lifetime.  We haven’t hung out like this in so long and things were finally returning to the way they used to be.  Why can’t it wait until tomorrow?”

He grabs his shoes and shoves his phone into his pocket.  “I’m sorry, but this is really important.  My friends need me.”

“And I don’t?”  I am silent as everything comes into focus.  His friends are his priority now.  They are his present.  “I’ve never been a clingy girlfriend, Liam, have I?”  I don’t wait for his response, but push forward through the anger.  "I am a great girlfriend, so I am justified in wanting a night that is uninterrupted by your friends.  I’ve never met these people, but they’re pretty rude for monopolizing all of your time.  Honestly?  I’m kind of sick of it.  You’ve already made your decision, so I’ll make it painless.  I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”  I feel a few tears tickle my cheeks and I wipe them, maintaining eye contact with those baby blues.

He is frozen for a few seconds before responding.  “Okay.  If that’s what you really want.”  He turns his back to me and begins walking to the front door.   I take in a sharp breath and whimper.

“That’s it, you’re not even going to fight?  You’re not going to defend yourself or explain what’s been going on?  I’ve noticed changes, Liam.  You aren’t the same boy I fell in love with because he would never leave without a fight.”

He turns back and says, “There are so many things I want to tell you, but it would be safer for me to be out of your life.  Just remember I love you.”

I silently follow him to the door and as he steps out, a cold breeze blows into the room.  I catch that scent again, the one that sparked my interest and suspicion in Liam in the first place.  It is so familiar.  I once again feel the need to fight to show my territory.  It’s as if Liam is a-

Werewolf.

It dawns on me that this is what I’ve been smelling.  The reason I have become territorial and wary around him.  He is getting into his car and I yell his name, running for him.  Panting, I grab his hand.  “This is gonna sound crazy, but I know what you are.”

“What do you mean?”

“I knew there was something off about you.  There has been for a while and I couldn’t figure it out.  You were different, foreign and I- you were- it was…”

“What are you talking about?”

Words won’t do in this moment, so I decide to show, instead of tell.  I tilt my head down and attach myself to the passion and love I feel for the boy in front of me.  I cross my fingers and slowly look up, eyes blazing yellow.

He just smiles and his eyes change to mirror mine.

“I knew it,” I say.  “Werewolf.  You’re a werewolf like me.’

He lets out a quick laugh and opens his passenger door for me.  “I have some friends I want you to meet.”

I prepared myself. I prepared myself for you to walk away. I prepared myself for you to leave. I prepared myself for heartbreak. I prepared myself for what it’d feel like when you didn’t text me for days. I prepared myself for the feeling I’d get when seeing you love somebody else. I prepared myself to be able to fake a smile when you asked how I was doing. I prepared myself to pick up the pieces of my broken heart without your help. I prepared myself, and yet, here I am, curled up on the bathroom floor, wondering what I could’ve done to make you stay.
—  E. Grin, i prepared myself but it still hurts

I probably just failed today’s biochem exam after feeling like I really prepared myself by studying so hard. I did poorly on my last biochem exam too.

Now I have to level my mind and heart so I can study for my biochem final on wednesday.

Things I’m keeping in mind:
1. Dwelling on thoughts and reacting to them will trap my awareness into a loop of magnification, creating worsening feelings. Don’t get stuck.
2. Meditate when times are good, meditate when times are bad.
3. Until finals are over on friday, the past is dead to me. All that exists are the efforts I am putting in now.

This is the result of my spiritual practice. In the face of potential maliciously disruptive failure, I cannot afford to be fazed.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Okay back to the library. 🙏🏻

Episode Prompto Thoughts

Okay, so full disclosure here with my thoughts on episode Prompto.

I love this guy and he has been my man since I got the stupid game on day one and it consumed my life. I relate him very deeply in a lot of his insecurities and stuff. I don’t cry, as in until recently it had been at least a few years since I had really cried, and his scene on top of the motel when he confesses that he’s afraid he isn’t good enough had me BAWLING.

When I wrote for Prompto, I try to encompass all of his very detailed (snaps to Square Enix for this one) personality. I agree that he’s a little emotional but it’s also clear that Prompto has built up some serious walls and blocks out a lot of shit.

I’ve been trying to prepare myself emotionally for his episode because I feel so attached to his character because he is so very really to me. I’m ecstatic to see this kid kick some ass and take some names because it’s clearly always been in him.

HOWEVER…

The reason I’m not ready for this is: when you find Prompto, he’s been fuckin tortured by Ardyn and he can’t believe that the others actually came for him. I seriously don’t know if I’ll be able to take seeing him be broken from this bad ass rogue assassin type character to becoming the broken mess that is chained to that spreader in the dungeon in the game. Also, seeing Prompto so shut down from his emotions is going to be hard because that is also my coping mechanism.

How this episode is done, in the sense of how Prompto’s character handles the stress of the situation and how he ends up in the broken state will be a huge deal to me and will definitely effect how I see the game. I STILL CANT WAIT TO SEE HOW KICK ASS PROMPTO ARGENTUM REALLY IS.

Idk tiny Drabble thing

“Hey,” Tyler’s soft, soothing voice pulls me out of sleep. I roll off of him and bury my face into a pillow, not quite ready to leave the warmth of our bed.
"I’m gonna run a bath, come join me?” Tyler murmurs.
"Mmhm..” I nod, mentally preparing myself to leave my comfy entanglement of blankets and pillows. I feel the mattress dip behind me as Tyler climbs out of bed, then listen intently as he pads softly towards the bathroom. It takes about ten minutes of listening to the sound of running water before I decide I’m ready to face the inevitable rush of frigid air that will undoubtedly attack me as soon as I get out of bed. I hop out of bed and hurry towards the strip of warm yellow light I could see through the barely opened bathroom door. The bathroom lamp causes a welcome contrast from the pale blue morning light pouring into the room through the half-shaded windows of our dark, high-ceilinged flat. I step onto the fluffy pink rug I’d insisted on purchasing despite Tyler’s whines of ‘it’s too girly’. Upon glancing over at the source of the sound of rushing water, my eyes lock with those of my gorgeous boyfriend, and remain locked as I peel my t-shirt over my head and step out of my thick flannel pajama pants. The cool air nips at my bare skin, but I don’t notice because of the heat coursing through my body as Tyler’s eyes rake my frame unabashedly. I smirk at him and step into the bath, slowly lowering myself into the hot water. Tyler quickly stretches out his previously bent legs, letting them surround my body. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me back against him; and I melt into him, letting my eyes flutter shut as his hands wander up and down my sides. I soon feel something pressing against the small of my back.
"Tylerrr…” I groan.
He just chuckles and pulls me even closer. “What?” he asks innocently, nuzzling his face into the back of my neck.
“You know what.” I smack his side playfully.
“Sorry, babe, can’t help it.”
I roll my eyes, I can practically hear him grinning.
I’d never tell him, but after not seeing him for so long while he toured, I craved the intimacy just as much as he did.

Do other people get the thing where your hearing is fine as far as non-voice sounds go, but when someone talks and you weren’t expecting it, all you hear is “hawhwoh wofewf wmmagh”?

I feel like I have to sort of prepare myself to understand language.  Is this super weird or incredibly common?

…Is it a dyspraxia thing?  I have a lot of dyspraxia things.