preparing my funeral

Gamora/Peter wedding headcanons cause I can’t stop thinking of them: 

  • Groot growing tiny flowers and putting them in Gamora’s hair 
  • Groot is Gamora’s tree of honor, Rocket and Drax stand up with Peter
  • Instead of a dress, Gamora wears a light grey suit. No jacket but a vest.
  • Peter’s first instinct is to wear one of the powder blue 70’s tuxes with the huge ruffles but Drax and Rocket stop him. They compromise on letting him have the blue, but no ruffles. Rocket will burn the ruffles if he ever sees them again, Quill. 
  • Peter and Drax argue about whether or not Drax can be shirtless during the wedding. Rocket starts trying to convince Drax to be pantless as well. 
  • Nebula shows up last minute to give Gamora away. She doesn’t stay the whole reception, but enough to show she cares. 
  • The closest Peter comes to crying is during their vows, when Peter says his mom would have loved Gamora. (Although let’s be real Peter is trying not to cry the entire day). 
  • Mantis officiates, she’s about to announce them man and wife and puts her hands on their shoulders, expecting to feel some joy but just starts sobbing uncontrollably and cries “YOU…. ARE SO HAPPY”. She needs a minute to recover 
  • Instead of a cake they have a dessert from Gamora’s planet. The closest thing it can be compared to is a pie or a fruit tart. It was something her parents would only let her have on special occasions 
  • Groot gives a very sweet speech which Rocket translates, trying to stay macho. “I am Groot. I am Groot.” “I can’t say that.” “I am Groot.” “Okay okay. You two have shown us all what love means. Or whatever." 
  • Mantis and Groot have fun dancing together. Groot likes her dress. Groot wants her dress as a cape.
  • Peter surprises Gamora, he was able to track down a picture of her dad holding her as a baby. This is when Gamora finally sheds a few tears.
  • Rocket ends the night by setting off fireworks. They’re beautiful, and Peter has no idea that they’re made up of every ruffled shirt that Rocket could find.
Hetalia Ruined My Life pt. 2

So, I got a new laptop, and because I forgot my University login password, I had to go in person to sort it out. The assistant literally lost five years of his life as he said: 

“Your password is ‘ne-ne-papi-spains-swiggity-booty97.″

 I’m officially dead now. You can start preparing my funeral.

fic: how to dig your own grave

for @xfficchallenges dialogue only challenge; pg; MSR implied; angst; season 8 spoilers; Mulder runs some errands in Raleigh, North Carolina.

***

“We try to be simple here, you know. Understated.”

“That’s one way to do it.”

“It’s all become such a flashy experience and I gotta tell you, it’s a little off-putting. This is supposed to be your resting place.”

“But my coffin is bigger than your coffin.”

“Very funny, sir. It’s good to see you hanging on to your sense of humor during what must be a very trying time in your life. Now, what is it you’re looking for? You need to get it right.”

“Understated. A resting place.”

“Well I’ve got just the thing. Look over here: solid walnut. Nothing more classic or comfortable.”

“I’m not sure comfort is a good angle for you.”

“Well we don’t know too much about the dead or what they want, I’d say. All I know is if I had my choice I’d spend eternity crawling back into bed with my wife at night. This is the next best thing.”

“Some people believe there are ways to find out what the dead want.”

“And what does your loved one want, Mr. Hale?”

“To not die.”

“Mr. Hale…”

“Understated. A resting place.”

“You know, it takes a lot out of a man to do this for a person. That’s why I like this job. People think it’s morbid and it probably is, just a little. But I find it a testament to the resilience of humanity and our devotion to one another.”

“Are you as talkative with your other customers?”

“Well they’re not quite so good at responding.”

“I… need to sit down. I shouldn’t be doing this. This isn’t right. I shouldn’t be giving up.”

“Wouldn’t you want somebody to do this for you, Mr. Hale?”

“…”

“Mr. Hale?”

“Understated. A resting place. What else you got?”

“We got Norwich Pine over here, elegant, simple and better for the environment.”

“The whole concept of a cemetery is directly at odds with that statement. I mean we might as well just be buried in mass unmarked graves or burned if we want to save the environment. But we get attached. There are treaties and rituals regarding death in every single culture, each one more extravagant and nuanced and steeped in mysticism than the next. Six hundred thousand years ago the Neanderthals were burying their dead with blunt tools and fashionable bones.”

“I thought I was spooky.”

“Ha.”

“I guess we just need to know where we’re at. Gotta keep each other safe. Would you rather be buried in nothing? Knowing there’s no way your people could find you?”

“I don’t want the pine.”

“What would you want to see them in?”

“I don’t follow.”

“Your last glimpse of a person. One you love a whole lot. What would you want to see them in?”

“…”

“Take your time, Mr. Hale.”

“That sign over there says cherry poplar.”

“Prettiest shade of red you’d ever seen in your life.”

“Let me see it.”

moonislander  asked:

yes please talk about the possibilities and scenarios of kuroo seeing how much of his blocking actually influences tsukki's

FIRST OFF GOD BLESS YOU FOR ASKING ME THIS OMG

I went a little rogue with this…it turned into much more of a Battle of the Trash Heap “wishlist” post but I HOPE YOU STILL LIKE IT! 

A list of Kuroo & Tsukki Battle of the Trash Heap moments that I desperately want to see happen:

1.) The initial reunion.
Can you believe we have gone through 149 chapters since their last real interaction? Though, to them, it’s only been a few months, but still, this is EXTREMELY overdue.
I hope Furudate allows them a pre-game conversation to light the fire between them. Of course Kuroo is going to give some attention to his rivalry with Daichi, but let’s be honest here, he’s got some things to say to Tsukki. Kuroo HAD to have heard about Tsukki’s iconic block against Ushijima, right? There’s no way he’s going to just let that one pass without a mention, I mean, as his mentor and friend, could he be more proud? Though we all know he will most likely turn what could be a genuinely supportive compliment into a snide, provoking comment to motivate Tsukki even further, and I am ALL FOR EITHER TBH.

2.) Kuroo seeing Tsukki blocking up close
We all know that Tsukki’s blocking style has evolved GREATLY, and it is 100% due to Kuroo’s help. I mean, we even saw Tsukki recalling Kuroo’s pointers to him DURING THE SHIRATORIZAWA MATCH ITSELF. That being said, he has grown by leaps and bounds, and if Kuroo was distracted watching Tsukki’s progress at the training camps…(you’re IN THE MIDDLE OF A MATCH Kuroo what are you doing watching Tsukki?!)

…then can you imagine how shook he is going to be seeing our boy show off his skills right in front of his eyes? Bonus points if his first block is against Kuroo himself…which brings me to my next point!

3.) TSUKKI BLOCKING KUROO’S SPIKE(S)!!!
I think, if this happens, I will collapse on the spot. Picture this. Kenma and Kuroo executing their signature one-person time difference attack, only to forget (or not realize) that Tsukki has grown accustomed to identifying time difference attacks and shutting them down on the spot. Tsukki sees his chance and takes it. Complete shut out. You don’t know how badly I need a side by side panel of Kuroo’s STUNNED expression as he realizes what just happened, along with Tsukki, smirking back at him like the smarmy little twit he is, because who was it that taught him how to read time difference attacks, hmm??
I’ll be preparing my funeral in advanced.

4.) Tense, across-the-net stare-downs

LAWD. hELP ME. They are both middle blockers, so chances are, they are going to end up face-to-face with just the net to separate them. Kuroo with his signature provocative smirk on his face, and Tsukki trying a bit too hard to seem totally cool. You’re not fooling anyone, Kei.

5.) Trying to out-snark each other
This could come in MANY different forms. Both Tsukki and Kuroo are known for their snide (and often unwarranted) remarks on and off the court, so I am SURE there will be some iconic back-and-forth moments between them. What I’d really love to see is for Tsukki to be the one to initiate a little argument and dish out a few quips at Kuroo’s expense.

6.) Tsukki spiking past one of Kuroo’s blocks
THIS would be interesting to see. If you remember back to the training camp Tsukki and Hinata attended, Tsukki had to grow accustomed to Koganegawa’s super-high sets. He was basically forced into reaching his full potential (literally) and Kageyama later caught wind of this new ability of his, too. In the attempts he has made with Kageyama so far, we have learned that it is extremely successful when it works, but also very taxing on his stamina. (last minute edit: SCREAMING OVER THE NEW CHAPTER AHHHHHHASLKDFJASDKFAAS.DFK)
I hope that they are able to whip out one of these above-the-block spikes during this match, taking Kuroo completely by surprise!!

7.) Genuine, shared admiration
I hate that this one might be the most far-fetched for actual canon story-line, given Tsukki’s natural distaste for expressing any sort of genuine, raw emotion, but MAN I need to see them admit the obvious respect they have for one another OUT LOUD. I think there is a good chance we could see this from Kuroo. He is so much more than just a provocation master. He genuinely cares for his friends and wants to see them do well. I really hope he expresses to Tsukki how proud he is of him. I know ALL of us are amazed by the growth he has experienced in these last few months…

*sniff* …so imagine how Kuroo will feel?? Kuroo, who basically took Tsukki under his wing, taught him everything he knows about the fundamentals of blocking, and watched on the sidelines as he began to transform into the blocker Kuroo KNEW he could be.
Then we have Tsukki, who knows damn well that everything he has learned, he learned from Kuroo. Of course he got plenty of over-all volleyball pointers from Akaashi and Bokuto, but the one he sought after for blocking tips was Kuroo. We saw him observe Kuroo from the sidelines, take in his style, his form, and listen to his teaching. He saw the blocker he wanted to be in Kuroo, and now he can stand confidently in his new abilities in front of the person that helped him get there. 

So, out of ALL of the things I mentioned in this very long, self-indulgent post, having Tsukki acknowledge Kuroo for the tremendous part he played in his development as a blocker would make me the absolute happiest.

I honestly, truly, cannot WAIT for this match. :’)

Reflecting on Grief

Forwards or Backwards? Earth, or an alien planet? Or somewhere entirely outside of time and space as we know it?

That’s part of the thrill of watching Doctor Who. Step inside that blue box, and you could be taken anywhere. And every fan has wondered, at some point, where they would go if they were given that chance.

Peter Capaldi was asked where he would want to go at Calgary Expo earlier this year. He gave a few lighthearted answers about seeing the Beatles or the pyramids, before eventually saying: "I think I’d go see my folks, who aren’t here anymore.”

I used to have wild dreams about where I might go too, but since my I lost my dad, grandpa, and uncle this year, my heart has been right with Peter. 

Hand on the lever, with all of time and space before me, all I would want to do is go home.


Doctor Who has always been comfort food for me. No matter how confused or messed up this world could be, it gave me hope that there was something I could do to get through it. Evil could be defeated, justice could be found, and loss – while painful – could be overcome.

But after everything that happened, I was reluctant to come backWith my own pain so fresh, even Doctor Who could be too much. There are too many painful losses. There’s too much to dwell on. There are too many girls with dead and dying fathers. 

I did come back to watch Series 10, thinking I might be safe from those painful feelings. And then along came Bill Potts, who lost her mother when she was a baby and had almost no photographs of her to keep her memory alive.

At the time “The Pilot” premiered my family was preparing for my father’s funeral, and I was in charge of collecting photographs from family and friends. It was a heartbreaking task. I marked out the whole path of his life, from childhood to adulthood, documenting the things he loved to do and his relationships with the family and friends he left behind. There were official photographs with his sarcastic smiles, and candid pictures capturing small tics of his personality that we’d never see again.

Bill asked the Doctor if pictures could really help after someone’s gone, and my immediate, bitter thought was that they don’t help nearly as much as you want them to. 

But then the Doctor traveled back in time to capture new photos of Bill’s mother for her. The dam burst and I cried through that scene as Bill did. Pictures aren’t nearly good enough, but when they’re all you have, they help more than you could imagine.

It was little moments like this that brought me back to Doctor Who while I grieved each of my losses. So much of grief is wrapped up in time – time borrowed and lost, regretted and re-lived, stolen and reclaimed. You spend far too much time reliving each terrible moment of your loss, pulling it apart piece by piece to figure out where everything went wrong. You regret the moments you didn’t take advantage of – the conversations you never had, the questions you never got answered. And you’re haunted by the future you were supposed to have with that person in your life. 

Friends and family and a good therapist will tell you that you have to accept that there’s nothing you can do to change what happened. That’s true and good advice, but not always advice we’re ready to act on when our pain is fresh. Doctor Who gives you space to say to hell with that. Every impossible scenario ever dreamed up in grief is possible in a show where time and space aren’t boundaries any more. We’re free to imagine the impossible and indulge in denial and bargaining for just a little while longer. We can imagine going back in time to see the people we loved one last time. We might even imagine going back in time to save their life.

When my dad was in the hospital, I kept going back again and again to “Father’s Day,” the story from Series 1 where Rose goes back in time and tries to save her dad from being killed in a car accident. I’d only ever seen it once, and it shook me so much that I never wanted to watch it again. It wasn’t just the thought that one day I would also lose my dad – that just seemed like an inevitable fact of life. I was terrified by the thought that maybe I’d know his death was coming, and still be powerless to stop it. That I could only sit there and watch it happen. 

The moment where Rose finally says goodbye to her dad tormented me while my dad was dying. All I wanted to do was go back in time and just fix it. I knew exactly what I would say and do, but instead I was stuck waiting for the inevitable to happen. But when all I wanted to do was run away and hide from it all, I reminded myself that I wouldn’t get any do-overs. 

I stayed, and I held his hand.


Grief, like time, doesn’t move in a straight line. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance don’t pass one after the other in a neat, predictable order. You swing back and forth between each emotion, sometimes going around and around in circles. 

If you want to know what grief looks like, watch “Heaven Sent.” Grief is our own bespoke torture chamber, a hell of our own making. It has a way of bringing out all of our deepest regrets and fears. And every time you think you’ve found a way out, you’re dumped back in again.

Until one day, you’re free.


I finally went back to watch “Father’s Day” a few months ago. It was painful, but unexpectedly easier to watch this time around. After all, my worst fear had already been realized. There was nothing it could scare me with anymore. Yet strangely, I felt comforted afterwards too. It felt like exorcising a bad dream. 

After a loss, it’s normal to obsess over what you or anyone else could’ve done differently. It’s not entirely rational – even if you did think of something that could’ve been done differently, you can’t change what happened – but that doesn’t stop the thoughts of “if only…” from keeping you up at night. 

Knowing you can’t change anything is very different from accepting it. And somehow it was easier to get that message from a science-fiction show where everything might be possible. Doctor Who doesn’t answer phrases like “If only I could have done this differently" with “You can’t.” It says, “Let’s try.” There’s space to release every grief-driven fantasy that’s trapped and clawing at your chest and tormenting you in nightmares.

But Doctor Who rarely provides pure wish fulfillment. The Doctor and his companions can’t always save everyone. Rose doesn’t get to save her dad. He was always going to die. And as awful as it sounds, it was comforting to see the Doctor and his companions fail. Even with hindsight and a time machine, they can’t change everything. 

It took all the power out of thoughts of “if only…” Somehow I needed to go to the most absurd, impossible scenario to accept that there was really, truly, nothing I could change that would bring my loved ones back. Because no matter what I could go back and change, it still might not have been enough. Seeing the Doctor and Rose and Bill and Clara and so many others discover the limits to their own abilities helped me accept how limited my own actions were. 

The thoughts of “if only…” won’t go away, not entirely. But they can’t hurt me anymore.


Life moves on, and I get a little closer to acceptance and something almost like being okay. It doesn’t help that this year manages to exceptionally suck even beyond my own family’s grief.

After Deborah Watling passed away in July, I went back and watched “The Tomb of the Cybermen” again. It’s one of my favorite stories, but I’d been avoiding it this year. At the start of this story, Victoria has just lost her father, but the poor girl doesn’t get much time to grieve. Instead, she’s rushed in and out of the TARDIS with barely enough time to change into a short dress before she’s thrown back into another terrifying adventure. 

But midway through the story, we pause for one of the most heartfelt scenes in the whole history of the show. As the rest of their companions sleep, the Doctor and Victoria sit together and talk about their families. Victoria confesses that although she enjoys being with the Doctor and Jamie, she still misses her father. She’s convinced that her memories of him will always be sad, tainted by the memory of his death. When the Doctor tries to convince her they won’t, she says that he probably can’t even remember his family, considering how old he must be.

The Doctor responds:

Oh yes, I can when I want to. And that’s the point, really. I have to really want to, to bring them back in front of my eyes. The rest of the time they sleep in my mind, and I forget. And so will you. Oh yes, you will. You’ll find there’s so much else to think about. 

The first time I watched this story, the Doctor’s comment felt unnecessarily cruel. After all, Victoria’s still coping with her father’s death. The last thing she wants to be told is that one day she’ll forget him.

But now I realize that’s not what the Doctor is saying at all. Victoria will always carry her memories of her father. But at that moment, they’re looming over everything else in her life. She can’t enjoy her time with the Doctor and Jamie without thinking about how her father isn’t there to enjoy it with her. But in time, they won’t overwhelm her. That grief and pain and sadness will fade. And Victoria will eventually be able to move forward with her life.

This, I think, is the hardest part of grief. Building a life without your loved one is a way of acknowledging that they are gone. It feels like we are leaving them behind. It feels wrong to imagine a future where my grandfather and uncle won’t get to tease my partner, where my father won’t walk me down the aisle, where none of them will meet or help me raise my children. 

But as another dearly missed companion once said, everything has its time. I wish we had more together, but I’ll treasure every moment that I had. 

4

Laura Marling’s cover of “Colorado Girl” by Townes Van Zandt