prepare for the upgrade

© Andrew Purcell

Brunch Upgrade: Classic hollandaise sauce is prepared with butter, egg yolks and lemon juice. Here, Neal Fraser adds a red wine–and–port reduction to the rich sauce, which is delicious with the juicy tenderloin steak that accompanies the poached eggs.

Recipe: Steak and Eggs Benedict with Red Wine Hollandaise 

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After closing for upgrades in February 2013, the Large Hadron Collider is coming back online later this month. 

The LHC has laid dormant, undergoing upgrades and tweaks in preparation for coming back online in the spring of 2015 for a (hopefully uninterrupted) three-year run of gathering more data. There remain plenty of unknowns for the researchers to investigate, such as the theorized existence of dark energy and dark matter, so the Collider’s future looks to be at least as busy and productive as its past. In order to spread this message and to give the public a better understanding of what the LHC does, CERN is using the present period of downtime to tour journalists around the particle accelerator’s cavernous detector stations and underground pipe network. It’s a fascinating look at how big industrial machinery is helping to answer questions about infinitesimally small things.

How To Have A Good Weekend (like Ina Garten would)

Have your husband leave for a weekend, but prepare him dinner upon his return

Consider upgrading your “very good” olive oil to “your most excellent olive oil” by putting it on a small boat and sending it out to The Hamptons for a weekend

Steam your hundreds of denim shirts

Meet your florist for calamari stew and homemade bread

Take a walk through your garden, which has the most beautiful flowers and cubed cold butter, just perfect for making sweet and delicious flaky pie crust

Have Alec Baldwin do your grocery shopping (real episode I saw once)

“Golden” “Flaky” “Crispy”

Become so close to the owner of your local cheese shop, you cannot help having them over for scones and tomato bisque, separately

The wonderfully rich and warm gay men that live down the block have already promised to decorate your Christmas tree for you

Genuinely say “my fishmonger” 

Garnish your table with basil leaves in mason jars, and have people shower you with complements like “I’ve never though to put basil leaves as a tablescape” and you humbly say “divine”

Buy whitefish spread and have it put you into a transcendent sunset overlooking the water

Make your very own lemon curd to serve to forty or fifty small business owners

Put together a flower arrangement that will never die

Greet your very good olive oil, now your very excellent olive oil, and delight that it has brought you back a lobster roll

What the fuck did you just fucking say about Saitama, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I am a classified S-class hero, and I’ve been involved in numerous Dragon Level threats, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in eradicating anything that stands in my way and I’m the top cyborg in the entire Hero Association. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit about Saitama over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am preparing my latest mechanical upgrade and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the incineration, maggot. The incineration that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat and can fly, but my arms alone have access to an entire arsenal an army wouldn’t posess and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit oil all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.